America the Beautiful (redux)

by anna at 11:13 AM on September 10, 2006

As both of Ann Coutler's leg-men fans know all too well, our kids' textbooks have been rewritten by sushi-eating, America-bashing commie pinko fags. My son confirms this. The following is the new history of america.

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comments (4)


That musta been some other body no no child it wasn't me...

by anna at 09:47 AM on September 09, 2006

I'm a lover, not a fighter. My "number" hovers around 50. But I have never been in a real fistfight, unless you count the time I broke a speaker grill over the head of my stalker who was found murdered the next day. No altercations, no fisticuffs, no barroom brawls. The latter is significant, considering that I used to make my living as a pool hustler.

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comments (3)


Anna Explains It All

by anna at 01:13 PM on September 05, 2006

The Newt drew flak for suggesting that women shouldn't serve in combat because they might be prone to infection when crouching in ditches. Just as the dean of Harvard got villified for saying that boys are better than girls at math and science. Which, at least statistically speaking, they are. He's now standing on a median with a coffee can in his hand.

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She was the kind of person you meet at certain dismal dull affairs.

by anna at 08:53 AM on September 04, 2006

It was a small college town with just one bar and no movie theater. The kids would gather there to drink and drug and play pool. I would do there to stay sober and hustle them out of their parents money. I noticed a short-haired ethnic kind of chick with a Brookyn accent watching me play impassively. I could tell there was some kind of interest but I had no idea what sort. No idea.

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comments (2)


While the future's there for anyone to change it would be easier sometimes to change the past

by anna at 08:55 AM on September 02, 2006

In Philly a couple peered out to their driveway and noticed that a man was busily raping a teen there. It happens. This being the City of Brotherly Love i.e. Incestual Homosexuality, they rushed to the distressed damsel's rescue.

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Takin more than her share she had me fighting for air

by anna at 05:57 PM on August 30, 2006

Now that Splashing in the Gene Pool: A Lighthearted Look at Evolution Genetics and Racism is a wrap, I am developing the outline for my new pseudo-scientific opus. It's working title is I Smell a Wet Pussy: A Study of Female Arousal.... more | comments (2)


heheheheheheee wipe oooout!

by mg at 08:50 AM on August 30, 2006

I've worked for a lot of shitty companies over the years. Companies that didn't give a crap about their employees. The company I'm working for now is different. I can tell how much the company I work for cares about its employees because they buy us quilted toilet paper.... more | comments (8)


Bye Bye Ms. American Pie (low-fat)

by anna at 08:33 AM on August 26, 2006

Rock n' roll died when Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13 year old cousin. Or it fizzled out when Chuck Berry got entangled in a similar scandal. Or it gasped its last breath when that plane ferrying Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper went down. Or else when they had to knock out Elvis' teeth with a hammer. Or perhaps it was when the Beatles decided to quit touring and go all psychedelic on us in 1966. Or when Ozzie bit off that bat's head. But whichever date you choose, make no mistake: rock n' roll is as dead and... more | comments (8)


The cracked bells and washed-out horns blow into my face with scorn

by anna at 11:04 AM on August 20, 2006

As I lay there on the griddle-hot sands of Wildwood (downa sho-ah to you Jersy-ites) savoring my 3rd Margarita, it came to me. I am the one who can save the world, or at least solve the stupid "war on terror" conundrum. The way we're waging it now isn't working because trying to fight shadowy terrrorists with conventional armies is like trying to hold water in your fingers. Oh, and I can bring peace to the mideast without any "peace process."... more | comments (4)


broke my heart to leave the city, i mean it broke what wasn't broken in there already

by mg at 08:15 AM on August 14, 2006

There were many reasons for leaving New York City, and I don't regret it for one moment. Well, no, that isn't quite accurate. I don't think it was the wrong decision, but there are some minutes, some brief but urgent moments, where I wish I was back in the city. Most of the time I realize how good and necessary this move was. But every once in awhile there is a pang of doubt that hits like a stitch in the side while running. And that is exactly what it feels like, I'll be in the middle of doing something... more | comments (11)


A squirming dog who's just had her day

by anna at 02:13 PM on August 12, 2006

Everyone heard about this girl's revelation about having dated this hunk and yet remaining an intact virgin. I'd like to put my belated two cents in on the contretemps that ensued.... more | comments (1)


I get away, almost every day with what the girls call...murder

by anna at 09:56 AM on August 08, 2006

Once I posted something and one Jaded Ju commented thusly: "This is so wrong, on so many levels, that I don't even know where to begin." My son and I still use that line frequently, as when watching America's Got Talent. See if you can ID the quadruple-insult in the passage below.... more | comments (9)


we don't need another hero, we don't need to know the way home

by mg at 09:04 AM on August 07, 2006

The big news this week was Lethal Weapon star Mel Gibson's arrest in Malibu, California for driving under the influence. But it wasn't just the drunken driving that was the story, but his drunken ramblings while getting arrested that has captured all the headlines. Gibson threatened the arresting officer, and made a number of anti-Semitic comments, including his belief that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson's remarks about the Jews starting all the wars in the world captured even more headlines this week than the actual war that the Jews have started. At first,... more | comments (12)


Short pants romance learn to dance please her please him 20 years of schooling and they put you on the day shift

by anna at 04:28 PM on August 05, 2006

At the beginning our minds are just blank slates. We don't even know we exist. We have no sense of identity. Gradually we become aware of who our mothers are. Unless we live in some ghetto where dads flit from mom to mom as if bees pollinating flowers we might also gain some passing familiarity with dad.... more | comments (10)


catch the mist, catch the myth, catch the mystery, catch the drift

by mg at 10:15 AM on August 05, 2006

As Mark Twain once said, "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."... more | comments (7)