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anna

America the Beautiful (redux)

by anna at 11:13 AM on September 10, 2006

As both of Ann Coutler's leg-men fans know all too well, our kids' textbooks have been rewritten by sushi-eating, America-bashing commie pinko fags. My son confirms this. The following is the new history of america.

We gave the Indians blankets soaked in smallpox, in one of the first uses of bio-weapons. Then we stole their land and relegated them to desolate reservations after pilfering their drugs and plying them with firewater. Violent pot farmer George Washington got so stoned he decided to oust the British. In so doing he showed no gratitude or loyalty to our forebears.

Old white men heretofore known as the founding dads then wrote their exclusionary, hateful constitution. The Brits returned in 1814 to reclaim what was rightfully theirs. We teamed with their archrivals the French and Indians to repel them once again. We then sailed to Africa to haul innocent villagers out of the jungles to enslave, whip and rape them. Hip-hop is the latter-day payback for this outrage.

Nothing else happened until the civil war broke out in 1861. Abe Lincoln didn't much mind slavery, though he was too poor to own any himself. But he hated wearing polyester. He was desperate to bring those cotton-producing states back into the fold. So he enlisted the services of the drunken sadist US Grant. Soon the South was vanquished. Southern rock is the latter-day payback for this outrage.

Then we used ruses to provoke two more wars, one with Spain and the other with Mexico. We stole Florida from the Spaniards and Texas and California from the Mexicans. A swarm of illegal low-riders at early bird special buffets is the latter-day payback for these outrages.

In WWI we jumped into what was essentially a petty local dispute over a duke who got shot. We tipped the scales in what was a perfectly good standoff, causing WWII. We also shot down the amiable Red Baron who was just minding his own business.

In the 30s are government decided it was tired of all these poor people so it starved them all to death. Then came WWII and our senseless firebombing of Dresden, Germany. Halfway across the world we slaughtered 100,000 innocent citizens of Hiroshima. The Japanese promptly surrended but we put our hands over our ears and pretended not to hear. Then we decimated Nagasaki. For good meusre we ousted the Palestinians from their tribal homeland to make room for Jews.

In the 50s conformist czars conspired to repress the Beat Movement, which later morphed into the counterculture of the 60s. The army killed all of them at Kent State. Bored, we decided to employ another ruse to massacre the North Vietnamese. Then we abanonded our allies and it fell to the North.

More recently we've been meddling in the private affairs of the middle east, to disastrous effect. We've thumbed our nose at the hallowed Kyoto Treaty and refused to recognize the World Court. That is the only reason war criminal George W Bush isn't standing trial in the courtroom adjacent to Saddam's.

comments (5)

And with the 9/11 anniversary at and it should be duly noted that W flew both planes that struck the Twin Towers and blamed it on some flight school students.

He is an experience pilot, you know.

by anna at September 10, 2006 12:12 PM


Hiroshima is truly the end of traditional warfare eh, the only state still fighting traditional wars is the one that changed it, lol, it's allies in tow. S'like *Kaaaaa BOOM*. "Do you surrender?" "Nope." *Kaaaaaa BOOM* "We can do this all frickin' day mate." "All right, the God on the throne has decided we'll give up." "Good lad."

So now when a state goes to war they use insane fanatical civilians pumped full of promises by holy men. There are no standing armies facing off, except ours... and we have no idea who to shoot, we get so confused about it most of us think it would be better demonstrating more *kaaaa BOOM*'s! When we do have such a foe - a standing army - they're wiped out in a few days by your regulars, see Iraq. So now we have standing armies, having won the fighting, occupying hostile territory retraining the very troops they beat to win the war there.

Our forces are having their wings clipped by a complete lack of visible enemies, still sustaining casualties. Place a few enemy soldiers in prisons and camps, next to suspect terrorist types and their families arrives to demonstrate outside, "He was just a college student, a loving brother and son." For the legit soldiers, "He only removed the heads of women when he was ordered to." Forget that an American or British soldier, when thus ordered, would not even think to follow it through, and would be taking a court martial to the officer who gave the order in the first place.

Media watches the whole thing and reports out of the goodness of it's heart, on the losses respective countries are taking, the countries they represent get the most air time. You watch Fox, you get the American headcount, you watch the BBC, you get the British. The cameras wait outside military prisons for the Muslim families to arrive, and when there's a lapse in real news, to report the concerns of the loving mother to the son who beheaded a few people, she gets adequate airtime to enrage western Muslims and win over a few sympathisers. Fox, the Beeb, Sky, CNN, CBS... s'the new *Kaaaaa BOOM* aiding enemies of the state, and hindering our own efforts. If they had existed to the same degree during WWII, shit, we'd have lost the war. American, British, Canadian, Australian soldiers would be being put on trial for killing enemy soldiers, for bombing civilians, public opinion would have been thrown into a resounding "No." Churchill would have been giving speeches trying to justify the war, rather than delivering classic spiels that he knew the enemy dictator would be enraged by. A poke in the eye from the British Prime Minister, which basically said, "Bring it on, we've got American industry on our side. Nyah!" Imagine the disgruntled public watching the Beeb evening news, genuinely expecting Churchill to explain the civilians casualties at... wherever. "What's going on there then, PM?" Meh, London was being bombed and civilians died, shit, "We're at war." America joins the war, the German air force starts to totter, we gain air supremacy and the RAF goes out of it's way to target civilian populations. "See how you like it!"

Western peeps are becoming fatalistic, we'll use the public transport not because we're brave, nor to defy the terrorists, but simply because we gotta get to work and shit, if the train blows up on the way there's naff all we can do about it. Becoming fatalistic about everything, twenty-somethings especially. S'like, "Oh... so?" Ten soldiers died today, "Oh... so?" We're now on high status security alert, "Oh... so?" The next elections are coming, "Oh... so?" What can we do about everything that's going on, you're the future, got any suggestions? "Oh... uhm... no."

*collective shrug*

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at September 11, 2006 8:01 AM


Collective shrug is right. We're all so shell-shocked we wish the world would just go away.

Today I learned from my desk calendar that today is "Patriot Day." Happy Patriot Day!

I wonder if that weird blogger is still out there churning out his daily rants that end in "Happy............Day! MG used to have a link..

by anna at September 11, 2006 5:58 PM


Yes, and Jesus Christ was a black man. And so was the Buddha. And Vishnu.
And Einstein stole the formula E=mc2 from a hard working black man and got all the credit.

by LOCKHEED at September 11, 2006 8:55 PM


Interestingly Lock your comment was posted 5 years and 9 minutes after Bush flew that airliner into the 1st Twin Tower.

by anna at September 13, 2006 7:35 AM