The cracked bells and washed-out horns blow into my face with scorn

by anna at 11:04 AM on August 20, 2006

As I lay there on the griddle-hot sands of Wildwood (downa sho-ah to you Jersy-ites) savoring my 3rd Margarita, it came to me. I am the one who can save the world, or at least solve the stupid "war on terror" conundrum. The way we're waging it now isn't working because trying to fight shadowy terrrorists with conventional armies is like trying to hold water in your fingers. Oh, and I can bring peace to the mideast without any "peace process."

Just what do these scumbags O-sama and Doc Zawahiri want from us anyway? 1) All Western troops out of Muslim lands for good. 2) No pernicious American culture in the Muslim world. 3) Cessation of our $3 billion annual subsidy to Israel. 4) Stop propping up Arab tyrants. 4) A worldwide Muslim caliphate with Osama as the emir.

1) Done 2) Not a problem. Most of it sucks anyway. 3) Israel is on its own from here on out. I have a hunch they'll fare ok. 4) Fine. They're on their own too. 5) No can do.

Of course us caving to their demands comes with a few teensy caveats. All non-citizen Arabs and Persians out of the US and EU. No more work visas, student visas, no visas period. No diplomatic relations either. And no trade between the two separate but equal worlds. We'll use ethanol like Brazilians, or hybrids, drive Cooper Minis or get what oil we do need from Nigeria, Venezuala Mexico and Russia. Or drill in the Alaskan wilderness areas. Hell, we'll walk if we have to. As Steven Wright pointed out, everywhere is within walking distance if you have enough time.

Only time will tell who thrives and who whithers on the vine. In the short term at least, Muslimville can sell their oil to the Chinese. As for oil-lacking nations like Jordan, Egypt and Syria, I don't know what to tell you. Go rob the Saudis for all we care.

What about the Palestinians? Again, who cares. If they can cobble together a nation of sorts without any help from their neighbors who only want to employ them as nannies or maids or landscapers, good for them. If not, F 'em. They can stay in their refugee camps as they've done for generations. I don't want to use the N word, but they are that of the middle east, which is why they continue to live in such abject misery.

Most importantly they must agree to police their own belligerents. They must weed them out and cut their heads off with Saudi-style swords. If ever again a 9/11 or Madrid or London or shoe or shampoo bombers should arise, look out. We are talking a major indiscriminate conflagration that will make Hiroshima look like a grease fire. Allah can sort 'em out and mete out the fumbling virgins as She sees fit.