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Toss that ham in the frying pan!by linz at 02:57 PM on November 24, 2003 |
The Female Companion to this post.
When I think of the Double Standard, I think of it more as a “me” vs. “someone else” rather than a male vs. female thing. Ezy’s post represents a “me” vs. “someone else” quandary I have always battled. There are different kinds of jealousy. I detest the kind of jealousy that makes one person not let the other have their own life and their own friends.
However, I exemplify another kind of jealousy. Which I guess I also detest. I am talking about the lurking, self-confidence eroding, paranoid jealousy. I am talking the meet-the-ex-girlfriend, see-how-cute-she-definitely-is, drink-five-cocktails-and-two-beers-and-end-up-yelling-slash-crying-at-boyfriend-for-reasons-not-entirely-clear kind of jealousy. This jealousy will not be quelled by any amount of distance between him and her. This jealousy remembers how much he liked her at the time, when you first met and were friends. This jealousy is irrational, unfounded, and expects someone to be entirely virginal (without being a virgin) and absent of any kind of attraction to anyone before you.
Here is my story. I don’t expect many comments since Ezy already broached this subject. But let me just get this off my chest.
So when I went to Penn State for Halloween, I saw this boy I used to date. And I guess by this time I had been dating Simon (who I will hereafter call "Sean" because Simon just hasn’t gelled with me and Lajoie voted down "Steve") for a mere 3 weeks. And I guess I ended up fooling around with that boy I used to date. And I guess it was sort of fun, but not really, and I felt bad about it afterwards. Despite Sean and I having never had any Talk with a Big T about any sort of monogamy or anything like that. I did not share it with him. I waited for a Talk.
Well, recently, i.e. about a week ago, i.e. about 5 weeks into dating Sean, we had a bit of a talk. Shannon had asked me on the phone if Sean was my boyfriend. While I was in the car with Sean. I said, “No, he’s not my boyfriend.” And she said, “Did he mind you just saying that?” I said, “I don’t know.” We got off the phone. I asked Sean if he minded. I told him I just didn’t think we’d had that kind of conversation. He said he didn’t mind. I said I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that kind of conversation, but that I was also curious where he stood. Sean said, “I would be honored to call you my girlfriend.” I said, “thank you!” Somehow--and I can’t for the life of me remember how--he moved to the topic of whether we’d fooled around with anyone else since we'd started dating. I confessed. Then asked him.
He said he’d had a chance to, but didn’t. And immediately I knew who it was. It is the girl that lives in his apartment complex, named something like Tiff, who had been his fuck buddy, who had this boyfriend on and off. He thinks Tiff is hot, but she’s a shallow bitch. I guess Tiff came to his apartment a few weeks ago, and Tiff was drunk. Tiff went in his bathroom and came out wearing nothing but a hot pink thong and said, “I want you to fuck me right now.” And he said no. And he got her dressed and walked her back to her apartment. And all he did was kiss her. And he told me, "I think this is when I realized I was really starting to care about you."
I told him I guess this means he gets a freebie sometime. He laughed and said "Nooo." He told me not to feel bad because I hadn't done anything wrong. The maddening thing is that not only do I nonetheless feel quite guilty about my conduct, but I am also crazy jealous of her. Even though he calls me "hottie" and compliments me quite sincerely, and plentifully. Even though he wants nothing to do with her. I just know she is there, a few buildings away, lying in her lair wearing pink thongs and plotting to take him from me.
And I know exactly why I feel this way. It is because I can't understand why someone would pick me. Leftover insecurity from gradeschool days. I see anyone else, anyone attractive from their past or present, as potentially better than me. I have no idea why this is. Wait, no. I have some idea. I have this worry that I talk too much. I think too much. This tires people. I exhaust people, wear on them. At least this is what I secretly worry. I worry about my lack of grace, my awkwardness that I am certain is glaring. I have never felt Cool. I guess I never got over that.
Yep, Ezy. There's always two sides raging. My devil has a loud fucking mouth. But fortunately my ego pipes in a good amount too. A lot more than it used to. The battle is entertaining, to say the least.
That is my story about jealousy beyond reason.
I will write about Colombia soon. In the meantime, look at me holding two sloths!
comments (17)
I think I've seen the opposite side to the thing you're mentioning here. I have a similar thing going with my girlfriend.
I had a fairly cute policewoman hit on me a few weeks ago now, and I dutifully informed her that i was involved, but it didn't slow her down too much. She still calls here and there, and we've gone to lunch a few times. She's made it clear she's interested, and I've made it clear I'm involved, and kept our contact to daylight, have to go back to work soon, type hours. Yet my girlfriend is still fairly jealous of this girl...
I don't know what to do with that.
Let us know how/if this jealoust thing resolves for you Linz.
by chuckwoolery at November 24, 2003 03:15 PM
well, here's what i've learned:
a sloth's claw, when held like a knife, acts just like a kidnapping deterrant.
by lajo at November 24, 2003 03:28 PM
Ahhhh Linz. Tracking as usual. I think you've hit upon the real problem here. I, also, don't think I give myself as much credit as I deserve sometimes. I often find it hard to believe that I am better than the guys from Amy's past, even though she tells me I am all the time, and I think I have concluded that it's my self esteem or confidence that's to blame here more than anything else. I exude a confidence on the outside that I just don't feel inside. I believe that this is what I need to change about myself. It's just figuring out how to do it.
I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad about what happened. There's nothing you can do about it now anyway. Amy and I agreed that we weren't going to have any contact with people we'd slept with from our pasts. This helps a lot. It's much easier to have a relationship when people you'd had that level of contact with aren't calling. It may be a cop out but it seems to work.
by Ezy at November 24, 2003 03:40 PM
It's not just "Am I better than who they've been with in the past," but "Am I better than who they may meet in the future." That kind of thing can drive you crazy, if you let it.
PS: It's a good sign that he was willing to turn down, easy, hot, drunken sex with someone because of you.
by mg at November 24, 2003 03:50 PM
Jesus MG. Are you trying to send me to therapy. I'm having a hard enough time with the "who they've been with" and now "who they may meet" is thrown in there? I need a drink.
by Ezy at November 24, 2003 04:50 PM
MG, you also forgot to mention that the hot, easy, drunken sex is readily available and NEXT DOOR.
Fucking A. Ezy, I'll see you at the bar.
by Linz at November 24, 2003 05:06 PM
Yeah, if the girl is hot, easy, drunk and next door.... that would be hard to say no to. At least if I knew that the girlfriend wouldn't be around for awhile, and my chances of getting caught were low.
If the chances of getting caught were higher, I'd be much more "moral" about it. Sounds like Steve might even be moral when the chances of gettig caught aren't high. Good for you Linz.
All of the problems noted above by Linz and Ezy can be solved by a little self-deception. Just make yourself more assured / arrogant, and the self-doubt just melts away.
by chuckwoolery at November 24, 2003 05:16 PM
Well, why should "who they been with" be a problem if there is no expectation that they'll be with someone else in the future? The point is, if you trust your s.o. not to fuck with you in the future, that they've fucked around without you in the past shouldn't be a problem. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
by mg at November 24, 2003 05:21 PM
Jealousy is a complex emotion that requires some intelligence. For instance, I betcha Tiff never experiences it. Penis envy is another thing.
by anna at November 24, 2003 06:41 PM
anna, now if you'd have said "penis envy's a whole other thing" i'd have credited you with a brilliant pun.
linz. i think i know what i'm talking about when i say that you've got nothing to worry about. there should be a scale (a named scale to make it sound scientific like. just for today, let's call it the linzer scale) that weighs a couple's general attractiveness, by breaking down it's two constituents and gives a general percentage to each member*. as in....this guy makes up 64% of this couples general attractiveness, while she brings in the other 36%.
a much earlier post alluded to this discrepancy.... when one member is more attractive than the other.
linz, while sean** is no slouch, you're polling in at better than 50% and it's from there that your assurances should spring. you're no dick gephardt.
*the scale's working parts are open to revision.
**see end of thread to anna's post about buildings and food.
by lajo at November 25, 2003 12:59 AM
i'm not even sleepy!
and i don't think you give yourself enough credit.
also, i wish my hot, easy, drunken sex was next door.
by capital j at November 25, 2003 11:07 AM
The Linzer scale Lajo? That's beautiful.
MG, you see, that's what has been driving me insane about my reaction to her past. She hasn't done anything to me directly be it past, present and I don't forsee her doing anything to me in the future other than loving me. That, my man, is what is making a freak out of me. It just doesn't make sense. It shouldn't matter what she did prior to meeting me. I mean, if she used to be a prostitute that would be one thing but just getting busy with some people when she didn't even know me should mean nothing. Now, if I can just figure out how to get that through my thick head, then we'll have something.
Chuck, arrogance and self assuredness would probably work but I just couldn't pull it off. Everyone would see right through me.
Linz, does he still have contact with this woman on a regular basis other than the drunk come on the other night?
by Ezy at November 25, 2003 11:08 AM
Nah, he doesn't want any contact with her... he thinks she is a bitch. I imagine the only reason he put up with her in any capacity is because she was hot and giving it to him.
He is friends with her best friend though, who I almost met last weekend but who didn't end up showing up. I am curious to meet the best friend. You can bet I will be on my best behavior. If there's one thing I'm good at, it is making people like me initially.
by Linz at November 25, 2003 11:54 AM
Linz, are you on some sort of pamphlet for Colombia now? Have you posted a picture of Samuel on BS? Don't worry about the other one-it does no good.
by Shannon at November 25, 2003 12:40 PM
Nah, Shan, I just sent a pic to Lajoie & Ezy.
by Linz at November 25, 2003 01:44 PM
IRT Capital J
5 States away isn't that far...!
...
Ok, Ok. But I am drinked though.
by Elongatedbadger at November 26, 2003 11:04 PM
Like SPAM, damn, I feel like the Son of Sam.
by Eff at December 1, 2003 03:47 PM