At our annual New Year's party this year, I declared to my friends that 2007 was going to be the year of lesbian Jen (that's lesbian Jen X to those of you from the interwebs). I also said that I was going to be working up to it slowly -- I started out the evening winking at my girlfriends, and the joke is that the year of lesbian Jen (X) will culminate in a massive, multi-woman orgy on December 31, 2007, and at the stroke of 12, I'll stand up, say something akin to, "Thanks, this was fun!" and return to my previous heterosexual-but-flexible ways.
Now, I like men, I really do, and anyone who's been to my 'other' site can attest to this fact. Hell, anyone who's spent any time in person with me for any length of time can also attest to this, and probably wishes I would stop.
However, every now and then I meet guys who make me long for what my mind assumes would be sapphic bliss.
The first guy I ever slept with is a prime candidate for the reject factory, but I won't go on at great length about him. Let's just say anyone who tells me that I should change the way I walk so I'll be sexier and lusts after the girl wearing next-to-nothing while simultaneously telling me that I can't wear a particular shirt because it 'outlines my breasts' (if you have 'em, they're automatically outlined, jackhole!) isn't staying around very long. I was much younger and much dumber then.
The coworker who told me that, if he had a problem with a behaviour of mine, it was my fault and I had to change, while also telling me that if I had a problem with a behaviour of his, it was just something I was going to have to learn to get used to, is another. Again, much younger, much dumber.
Now, I've dated lots of great guys, and I've had lots of first dates/coffee meetings with some other guys who, while perfectly nice and normal, just aren't my type -- and the fact that they never contacted me for a second date says they weren't into me, either (or they thought I was batshit insane, which would be hilarious if it were the case). But sometimes I meet a guy who makes me shake my head in confusion.
See, I meet people mostly through dating sites, with (as you can tell), varying degrees of success. I met one guy a few months ago who quizzed me throughout the evening: "Where do you see yourself in five years? What goals do you have for yourself? Do you make money from your sites? Why do you write your sites? What religion are you? Is it important to you?" and so on. He also told me that Jewish guys are best in bed (he was Jewish); I replied that I'd heard statistically, they had the biggest dicks, but that doesn't really make a major difference to me (that subject is for another post). I think he was disappointed by the fact that I didn't respond to his fumbling come-ons, and at the end of the evening told me that, while he felt we'd had a good time talking and it had been very easy and so on, we'd connected more on a 'professional' level than on a 'romantic' one.
Mentally I responded, "Maybe that's because you were interviewing me rather than chatting with me?" and shrugged my shoulders and laughed about it.
That was a minor amusing anecdote compared to the next guy, though.
This guy was a 30-year old tattoo artist (I bring the best guys home to Mom and Dad). Not overly covered in tattoos, seemed fairly intelligent, interesting and so on. During an MSN chat, I mentioned I had two cats; he asked me how old they were, and if they were going to die soon, as he's highly allergic.
Major strike one. But he said he was kidding, so I awkwardly laughed it off and agreed to meet later.
We met for a drink at a martini bar downtown, and the place was empty and gearing up for karaoke night. Oh, how that would have been an improvement over the evening.
Most of the night was spent talking about his work, and tattooing in general, and I was the one asking all of the questions because I was curious, so I didn't overly mind. We also talked about drinking, and I mentioned how I've never thrown up from drinking (true story), and partly it was from my upbringing, and partly it was hearing all the twits in my high school talking about their parties and waking up naked next to strangers, and how I didn't think that sounded like a lot of fun.
Long story short (too late for that), he basically told me he'd been out the night before with his coworkers, drinking to the point of throwing up. At 30. I judged a little, thought 'not so cool, even my 20-year old friends don't do this' and sort of let it pass.
The evening continues, and either he was just this dumb, or he decided he was going to make damn sure I wasn't interested in meeting again, 'cause out of the blue he starts singing -- yes, singing! -- about gonorrhea. He's singing and talking about blood and pus, and about how gonorrhea is his favourite STD because it has blood and pus coming out of your man- or lady-parts, and isn't that awesome? and so on. I'm trying to joke this off, but it's not working, he's still going with the jokes.
Somewhere in there, he also indirectly called me boring, and I was of course, crushed and hurt.
I was even more devastated when he deleted me from his MSN contact list the next day.
I have other tales, including my gruesome worst sex story ever, but I don't know what the locals are up for anymore. I'll share if there's interest, though.
Give Us Flesh....
Flesh for fantasy!!!!!
Tell us all of your sex stories with every gruesome detail.
We're twisted and wrong that way.
by Long Time Lurker at March 22, 2007 8:39 PM
I have some gross Masturbation stories.
If the Locals want to hear about them.
by LOCKHEED at March 23, 2007 12:20 AM
I am all about other peoples' masturbation stories. Do tell!
by Jen X at March 23, 2007 12:32 AM
Those sound like some wholesome sorts. But reading this made me feel the way I did reading Linz's tale of getting doggie-styled on her balcony.
As for the masturbation, what a funny thing that is. Everyone knows it goes on, froem teenagers to married couples. But we can't let it be seen and we can't discuss it rationally. Excuse me.
by anna at March 23, 2007 4:31 AM
I never saw Linz's account, I don't think. Should I guess that your reaction is something akin to, "Well, that's a trainwreck, but you brought it on yourself"? :)
I recognize that these really aren't that awful, and I'd rather not trade them in for something worse, given the opportunity.
by Jen X at March 23, 2007 10:20 AM
No nothing like that. There'd been a feud on this site (sparked by moi.) Writers were encouraged to share some carnal exploits and Linz certainly did just that. Her BF BFed her on a balcony overlooking Atlanta and it was just such a lurid account from such a mild person that I for one found it shocking.
by anna at March 24, 2007 8:50 AM
I had that happen to me one time. I won't say if I was the BFer or the BFee. But that's another story as they say.
I'm always interested in hearing about the bawdy exploits of others.
by Long Time Lurker at March 24, 2007 12:32 PM
I like being a lesbian (stuck in a man's body) hehehe
by fcsuper at March 26, 2007 12:38 AM
Okay... well let's see.... so many to choose from... ah yes...
us males, all know the slurping spit on our hands to simulate an orifice...
well, let's see.... I have triple monitors due to trading the currency and stock and bond market.... yes wallpaper.....
...leave the rest up to your imaginiotn.
by LOCKHEEd at March 29, 2007 7:07 PM
Got water boiling on the pot so this has to be quick...
ONce jerked off a dog that I was babysitting..... a nice clean shaven labrador....
stroked his balls.....
WHHHHEEEN the DOGS TO FIND ME...
by LOCKHEED at March 29, 2007 7:09 PM
Any mention of jerking off a dog is a surefire conversation-stopper. Search the net for a copy of the old bachelor party standby The Hog and the Dog. I know it traumatized me.
by anna at March 30, 2007 6:57 AM
I think I'm afraid to post ever again.
by Jen X at April 3, 2007 7:09 PM
A shame. And to think we'd almost revived the moribund site.
by anna at April 4, 2007 6:59 AM
Don't you die on me!!!!!!!
Not on MY watch!
by Long Time Lurker at April 4, 2007 9:31 AM
retarded lezbians god made bois and girls for a reason and dats to make babies i dnt knw but dnt thnk a girl and a girl can make a baby u are retard.peace
by osmanBIN WORKIN at October 1, 2007 11:39 PM
Dude! If anyone's still here (and judging the lack of response to the assanine comment above I'm guessing not) we weren't BFing, but it was my BF. I was hammered, which made me adventurous. A few years later, I'm cringing at the fact that I shared that story.
The reason I took my profile down was bc my last name was listed by another member on here (not maliciously), and I didn't want my now-husband or other web-savvy folks to ever google me and find my very personal stories here. It was not because of a feud that you started Anna... I wonder what you're referring to?
I'm turning 30 next month and have definitely puked from intoxication over the last few months, and I'm not ashamed.
by Linz at March 10, 2008 3:42 PM