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Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool

by anna at 09:03 AM on June 26, 2006

Growing up we all had regulation-sized pool tables in our rec rooms. This was a very 70s thing. Pool halls were considered seedy, unlike today's trendy "billiards rooms." Nobody really knows what "billiards" is.

So my friends and I were pretty adept at pool. When we'd need money for dope we'd mosey on down to the local pool hall and hustle the locals out of their hard-earned beer money. Oftentimes they'd get steamed and break their cues over our heads. Once I got poked in the eye with a cue. That hurt.

I went to college and this continued. I would go down to the frat houses and common areas of dorms, wherever I could find gullible, drunken college punks. Always the same routine: Lose on purpose, playing for pitchers of beer. Nurse a beer as my mark guzzled his. Once he looked sufficiently bleary-eyed I'd spring the idea of playing for $5. Lose again on purpose. Double or nothing. Run the table. I never had to work in college.

My wife bought me a fancy $100 cue. My son and I started frequenting a local "billiards room." They serve a mean plate of wings and meaty chili. We chase these delicacies down with Red Bull and Coors Light. NASCAR is always on the big screen. There are always pool hos lolling about with their tattoos, strategically torn jeans and tousled hair.

I'm still pretty good even at my advanced age. My repertoire includes a dizzying array of spins, cuts and bank shots. My son, who is way into geometry, has embraced my philosophy than any angle is possible. He too is pretty good at trick shots.

So naturally we entered a tournament. Brimming with confidence I forked over the $20 entry fee (for both of us.) My wife sat looking on, mildly curious. Cigarette smoke wafted through the air. Pool and bowling are the only sports where smoking is still allowed.

It proved nothing short of a fiasco. Although the locals were indeed quite impressed with some of my off-the-wall angles. "How in the hail did you do that," they'd ask in wonder. But my downfall was the straight-on, meat & potatoes shots. They'd careen inches wide of the mark time and time again. My opponents never missed. Of five matches I won just one.

It soon became apparent that all the tournament newcomers (us included) were merely fodder for these two Hispanic guys who spoke no English. They'd routinely dismiss all comers to meet in the final match for all the marbles. Winner take all. I gathered that this happens every week.

Losers go home, dejected and mournful for the good old days. The saddest part was that my skills really haven't diminished that much. It's just that these other guys were better players. A bitter pill to swallow, that.

I'll be back over there tonight, $20 bill in hand. Maybe I won't get drunk this time.

comments (8)

So you can still smoke in bars and stuff in D.C.?
I didn't know that, I thought the hole east coast was smoking banned.

I sometimes play a mean 'ping pong'. But never practiced pool enough yet to actually be good.

Do they have a good juke box there?

I'm having pizza night with the kids... I lost $5000 today in a market that it was really near impossible to actually lose that much, simply because it didn't fucking move. So I might play 'billiards' and bet 10K that I'll lose.

I might go to Chelsea and try to find some nice gay men who will let me win.

Hey, remember when you and you kid made snow angels about 5 years ago?

by LOCKHEED at June 26, 2006 9:09 PM

No juke box but they blare some heavy metal interspersed with cuntry. They make an exception for bowling alleys and pool halls, er "billiards rooms." And they always ask for my boy's ID even though they know he doesn't have one. He doesn't even have a wallet. I think my wife built the snow angels. I do recall something about watching a pathetic snowman melt.

by anna at June 29, 2006 6:14 PM

this site fucking blows.

new site: www.tradinganddrugs.blogspot.com

updated daily, nay three times daily

by LOCKHEED at July 6, 2006 1:35 PM




by LOCKHEED at July 12, 2006 6:56 PM

MG, let me finally be an author on this site, since NOBODY but ME, reads it anymore

by LOCKHEED at July 16, 2006 9:41 PM

I do too. And I have a post, but I can never get on the computer where the posting site is cached. If someone will post a comment (I don't read email anymore) I'll post a requiem for Bad Sam. You'll luv it. It's a way of life.

by anna at July 19, 2006 5:43 PM

Okay, let it be done, WITHOUT GRACE...

This site is a bunch of pussy faggot homo chink, nigger, spics, wiggers, micks, wasps, kikes, liberals, conservative... you all suck, fuck this fucking pussy lick my little dick site of human beings in the 21st century c.e. cunts.

NOw, the Requiem Anna...

by LOCKHEED at July 21, 2006 5:42 PM

Keep up the great work on your blog. Best wishes WaltDe

by WaltDe at August 31, 2006 12:45 PM

comments are closed