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I've been everywhere, man

by anna at 07:48 AM on February 23, 2006

As usual, when I mingle with the great unwashed, unpleasant consequences ensue.

I'm driving home and the radio jokers have funnyman Rick Moranis as a guest. He's plugging his new comedy-country CD The Agoraphobic Cowboy. They played a snippet from I Ain't Goin' Nowhere, which you can hear on the link (click listen.) I dug it.

Wifey-poo is working so I am cooking dinner from a microwave-only chicken recipe my son dug up online. We like these because at $1.51 a "therm" (whatever that is) gas is too pricey to use the stove. I am sipping wine to the tune of 3 glasses. We eat. Another glass of wine. I immediately rush out to Sam Goody, located in a nearby strip mall.

Or at least it was. Now it is a nail salon. Bah! I now must go to the real mall. I clickety-clack along the tiled corridor in my black dress shirt, black leather jacket, black dress shoes and signature shades at night. There's another Sam Goody there. I go in and there's one of those going out of business, everything must go signs. Everything is in total disarray. Two fat, pimply employees are joking amonst themselves. Since nothing is categorized or alphabetized I can't make heads or tails of it. The wine isn't helping. I really need to pee.

I interrupt to ask the pimply girl if they have the tape. She asks what genre it is. I say, "Well, it is kind of comedy---Rick Moranis, you know, Animal House, Honey I Shrunk the Kids,---but it is also country. Johhny Cash kind of thing." She looks mystified, pokes around a little and pronounces that she doesn't know. I asked her what the problem was, why is Sam Goody kaput? She blames it on the internet and tells me to try Best Buy. I really, really have to pee.

Best Buy: bladder bursting. No visible bathroom. Guy scours country and comedy and then says he'll check in the stock room. Squirming, holding tip of johnson, hopping around. Taking forever. Tells me my best bet is the internet. Freaking poet, this guy.

Skulk out to the side of the building, whip it out and let loose a torrent o' pee. But what is this, coming from the back? The release of pee has triggered something else entirely! My drawers are chock full as a baby's two day old diaper. I'm figuring I can contain the damage by simply discarding them in the alley. So my pants are on the ground with my dress shoes and I an delicately removing them when security guard appears, visibly horrified at the sight he sees. I pull the mess back on and scurry to my car. Still no tape. In hell.

Wife: "Where have you been all this time?" Me: "Trying to get a Rick Moranis tape. Sam Goody is done." She: "Wasn't he that Animal House guy?"

My son ordered the tape.

comments (12)

If we are going to be honest, then everyone can admit to a similar accident at some point in their adult life. I know I have had one. That isn't the embarassing part, its that you were going out to buy a Rick Moranis CD. You should have kept that part to yourself.

And, I had to check IMDB to be sure, but Rick Moranis was not in Animal House.

by mg at February 23, 2006 8:32 AM

The 'mall'. Heh. They have toilets, ready cooked chicken, nice salads, and usually dire CD sellections, Rick Moranis buy one get two ancient Madonna hits free. I'd have thought any man with a wife away would be on first name terms with the staff at 'malls'. Single man heaven, they have everything there except your mother. Watch in wonder as the staff take the cooked chicken - take you by the hand and lead you to the seasoning and spices, picking one for you to add when you get home.

They'll then lead you to the salad bar sort you out there, whisk you by the microwave chips... bah... by the end of your visit to a mall you could be in the knickers of your guide and then gorging on your complete chicken dinner that tastes like a home cooked meal. No effort at all, just do your best to look lost. It triggers a sympathy chip installed in most women when they reach middle-age. Most malls have theses chipped women employed to walk around smiling at people.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 23, 2006 9:24 AM

Well, I couldn't agree with both of you more. But I am a little worried about this incontinence issue. I am only 46 for Christ's sake!

Yeah the little-boy-lost routine can reap tremendous benefits.

The security guard tried to stop me but it was a half-hearted effort at best. I brushed by him with whatever modicum of dignity you can muster under those circumstances.

Surprised at the dearth of comments. Bared my soul.

by anna at February 23, 2006 6:29 PM

I thought my schtick yesterday was more comment-worthy too. Maybe Lock is right and its time to pack things up at Bad Sam.

by mg at February 23, 2006 7:46 PM

We pack things up when I'm currently dead.

And besides, Chris, Linz, Anna, Effenheimer, Snaggle, Eviltom, MG, and Lockheed have to all meet up in NYC and do every abominable action/inaction known to sentient man and monkeys, before the Bad Samaritan Board of Exchange closes its Doors of Lore forever...

damn you.

917-568-8419 yeah, that's my cell phone.

by LOCKHEED at February 24, 2006 6:33 PM


by LOCKHEED at February 24, 2006 6:36 PM

oh, and at the very least, because I AM A DORK ENOUGH TO FOLLOW MY OWN BLOG AND COMMENTS, join me at:


All things go, no censors, say it all and nothing, and great photos, real photos mostly from Manhattan(manna-hatta)
I invite you all, if BADSAM ever dies and finds peace...

by LOCKHEED at February 24, 2006 6:41 PM

Yes, please go to lock's site. And then come back here and translate it for me, since I need a Lockheed to English dictionary to understand anything over there.

by mg at February 25, 2006 12:18 AM

Simple mg.

It's a look down the rabbit hole. Who was it that talked backwards? I can never remember.

The time has come the walrus said to speak of other things.

It's like the guy you pass on the corner who is always talking about something andyou hope he doesn't catch you eye. But you just gotta look.

by Long Time Lurker at February 25, 2006 1:35 AM

There is a single shoe in the road outside my house. It is disturbing me, but it's not so bad. My son has managed to hook up our new wireless router and now we are DSL networking, baby. No longer do I have to type one letter at a time and then click the error message down here. Yay!

by anna at February 25, 2006 12:04 PM

Yes, LTL...

...many are called, few are chosen...

by lockheed at February 27, 2006 12:02 PM

It doesn't pay to be the chosen. Be the chooser.

by anna at February 28, 2006 7:37 AM

comments are closed