« Hollywood's calling for the movie rights singing hey baby let's keep in touch | Main | Mary Worth This Isn't »


Going to the Vault

by anna at 07:06 PM on February 01, 2006

Man have I got a tale for you! Whether you choose to believe it or not it's all true right down to the names.

I went to junior college for two years and it was the funnest time of my life. The classes were a breeze compared with my rigorous HS curriculum. All we did was party, fuck and get robbed. Then it was time to come home for the summer and prepare for my Real College Life at a real University. That's when the trouble began. My mom insisted that I cut my shoulder-length hair, which is pictured somewhere in this blog's archives. I couldn't begin to tell you where.

I went to the haircut place. The stylist was very flirtatious, taking 15 minutes to shampoo my hair and rubbing up against me while fussing over my hair. We began dating casually, but I liked her sister better. This girl was Bunny, who'd become my stalker. After I dumped her she'd dream up all kinds of ways of insinuating herself into my life and that of my friends. During the course of these encounters I learned that she was more fertile than the Nile Delta.

Down at the Real University, 300 miles from home, she became my neighbor. Pure coincidence, she insisted. Turns out there's a big market for haircuts in college towns. Oh, and guess what she had brought with her: magic mushrooms. A delicacy indeed, but not just any 'shrooms. These were supposed to be very potent. They didn't look like any I'd seen before.

So we took them: Me, Bunny and my roommates Rob and Charlie. After about 15 minutes we realized this was a huge mistake. We were in another world, a scary parellel universe. Somehow we wound up at a noisy video arcade where I proceeded to have a grand mal seizure. My roommates dragged my writhing ass out of there. Bleeding profusely from my tongue.

Next we wound up down by a river in a forest. Overhead it was a clear night and starlight abounded. Like supernovas the stars collided and exploded. You could see each one's solar system in vivid detail. The forest crawled with fairies, satyrs and other mystical beings. Knights were jousting outside a castle on the riverbank. Charlie left abruptly and drove 100 miles to a monastery that he joined. He doesn't know how he knew where it was. Rob was balled up in the fetal position, hollering, "HELP ME! HELP ME!" over and over.

This left me stuck with the dreaded Bunny. We went down into the river and the water was red and scalding hot. We jumped back out and much to my regret some amorous activity ensued. But I must stress that this was one-sided in nature---I made sure of it because of the Nile Delta issue. Think Bill and Monica. Only Monica was cuter.

Inevitably she reported being pregnant and refusing to abort the imaginary fetus. She claimed I was so high I didn't recall everything that occured on the muddy riverbank and quite honestly, I couldn't. These things were that powerful.

We all wound up chauffering her to imaginary medical appointments and enduring her graphic reports about morning sickness, a bulging belly and so on. She even produced some sonigram images. Eventually the whole fiasco ended in an imaginary miscarriage.

comments (7)

You should look her up, and catch up on old times. Laugh together about the imaginary pregnancy, and Lancelot's jousting win over Ronald McDonald. Aah those were the days.

"You remember I went over and my tongue bled?"

"Yeessss! Brilliant. We should do it again some time."

"You remember the vivid colours of the rippling river water?"

"Yes, your curtains remind me of them sometimes, when you close them... the light of the room hits them like..."

"My curtains? How do you...? Why would you still be...? You effing psycho!"

"Oh wait, you gotta listen, the baby... I didn't miscarry, look!" *produces sex doll* "His name is Gene. He has your eyes... "

Meh... I'll stop now.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 2, 2006 11:19 AM

You should've had Uncle Dave slap her across the face with a 'handless clock'... and say, 'Anna's got no time for your shenanigans.' And in your pyschotropic state, you should have murmured, yes, I will have three children... but not yours... I see them now making snow angels in the winterwonderland of my front yard... and the only grunts I'll hear are those of geese that have found a home in the pond by my office...

by lockheed at February 2, 2006 1:53 PM

That is a frightening thought indeed. She was one of those people who are dumb as a rock but very imaginative, tenacious and effective when it came to her obsession: in this case, yours truly.

by anna at February 3, 2006 7:46 AM

Man that's one wacked story..i never had it that bad on shrooms, lucky guess. I did get busy on acid though and I thought that the girl I was with was going into labour, no she wasn't pregnant, I was just messed up. Strange things it does to your mind..


by Darren at February 3, 2006 1:27 PM

It's funny if you don't think about it too much, heh. If I had the ability to replicate exactly how scared I was when being stalked... it'd wipe any grin from my features. I wasn't even all that scared for me I don't think, I was more scared for her and what she'd do with me in mind. I just remember a severely twisted stomach, a dry mouth, and overwhelming desire to run away whenever she was near, or whenever I thought she was, which creepily was everytime my stomach twisted and my mouth went dry.

Oo, I actually shivered. :/

Glad I know for a fact that she is married and has kids now, hopefully obsessing over her husband or inanimate objects like shoes or something.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 3, 2006 6:59 PM

This chick stalked me after she had the hubby 'n kids too.

by anna at February 4, 2006 8:51 AM

I have no drug stories, but friends have told me that acid has made them think Robert Plant was waiting to come out of a Led Zeppelin poster to kill them, and that a box of Tide was running around the laundry room. Wow.

by jean at February 4, 2006 8:43 PM

comments are closed