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Wild and Wonderful! West Virginia

by anna at 09:19 AM on January 19, 2006

We switched to Dish Network. Part of the come-on was that we'd get all the pay movie channels for free x 3 months. What this means is we can choose between 27 different drivels at any hour of the day or night. So when I used to come home from work and watch the news, now I sit entranced by cheesy B-grade movies and a glass of wine. This has resulted in me being unaware of the postal stamp rate-hike, my bills being returned for insufficient postage and all my utilities being rudely cut off. A cascade of misery I blame on Dish Network.

But I did get everything turned back on at gunpoint. So yesterday I got home and watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! There's this Hollywood hunk, see, whose career is floundering. In an effort to resucitate it they run a promotion when ordinary Janes can win a date with him. A chick who toils away at a Piggly Wiggly in some desolate West Virginia hamlet is the big winner.

Except this West Virginia damsel looks like all the Hollywood actresses he's grown accustomed to banging. Perhaps that is because the part is played by the comely Kate Bosworth, a Hollywood hottie. They hit it off, he buys a farm there, milks a cow, splits some wood, bangs her and feels newly rejuvenated.

Nobody talks like a real West Virginian. The actors all have teeth, perfectly capped.

Ah but the manager of said Piggly Wiggly takes issue with this storybook romance. He confronts the hunk while he's taking a dump. He informs him that the impossibly cute Bosworth has not one but six distinct smiles. Seems he's catalogued them over the 22 years of their association. Hamilton then uses this intimate knowledge to convince her to run off to Hollywood with him.

I'm sitting there thinking, six freaking smiles? That is a helluva lot of smiles to know about one person. My wife of 17-or-so-years doesn't smile a whole lot, but I am fairly sure she only has one grin, one grimace and one scowl when I am embarassing her to no end. She has one sigh. Then the dreaded self-doubt starts to creep in as it always does with me. Am I just so self-absorbed and different from others that I've failed to distinguish the nuances and vagaries of her smiles and sounds? Has everyone else gleaned more in-depth information about their mates' non-verbal communication than me? Have I simply not paid enough attention, as with the news? What is wrong with me?

Though I do know what brand of perfume she prefers. I buy her a new bottle every Christmas, to take its place next to the full one from last year. That Jessica McLintock sure does last.

comments (7)

I truly hope that your wife does not have a big collection of Jessica McClintock perfume that she never uses. Does she? :)

by jean at January 19, 2006 6:42 PM

She does. She likes the way it smells but until recently she worked outdoors. Jessica attracts bugs like dead bodies. Now she's working indoors and using it again. Or is the term "wearing it?"

by anna at January 20, 2006 7:29 AM

Buy DIA's.... now.... dow down 160... buy it for a quick retracement, you'll get 50 points on monday...

by LOCKHEED at January 20, 2006 2:27 PM

Talk about GUNPOINT, ANNA?

I've Never Heard of 'the Establishment' Forcing Someone At Gunpoint to Have Multiple Kids they Can't Afford...
Never... and never will... I've heard of the Opposite...
...so I'm sorry, even if I were of the 'type' that always pulls out the 'meaningless' card of 'I have eight kids to feed'... type of lethargic selfish irresponsible shit... I would be pissed the fuck off at that whining answer to the reason why they don't take responsibility unto themselves... same goes with the 'I got CHILD SUPPORT... shit'.... Yeah, Parents who don't fall under Child Support, actually put TIME and EFFORT into supporting their children(and will avoid divorce at least till age 18 because their children come first), instead of spending cash on drinking and smoking pot every night... I WOULD LOVE to just have a FUCKING MONTHLY DEBIT of $20 bucks out of my bank account, and NEVER have to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for my CHILD... seriously, that' s what it is... the court says,'You're obviously too lazy or incompetent/selfish to take care of the human that you selfishly/irresponsibly/can't control one's dick/cunt, brought into existence, so we'll make it EASY for you, you retard, we'll just automatically do the checking account balance for you... faggot pussy.'

... aside from this perpetual pussy excuse... the picture shows cereal bars that help in the development of 'Strong Bones'... this shit kills me, and will KILL ME... because I know for someone the age of Curious, yeah, it might add a fair amount of calcium, and not just calcium, but 'FUN CALCIUM' YEAHHH!!!! AWESOME!!!! Daddy!'.... but HAY eats them too, and she's way too OLD to utilize that first initial INFLUX of Calcium to have any lasting effect...

...I'm ready to fucking expire.

by LOCKHEED at January 20, 2006 2:28 PM

Sounds like a good evening to me. Smoking beer and drinking pot.

Those damn kids don't need support!!

Let then work at Piggy-Wiggly.

by Long Time Lurker at January 21, 2006 2:41 PM

I'm surprised, well NOT suprised that this current event didn't warrant a post on Bad Sam... Imagine if Giuliani or Bloomberg said after Ground Zero, where going to rebuild NYC with White Chocolate? That would make the rounds on BadSam...

I Didn't Know That Was Part of Reparations... Why Are African-American Leaders Allowed to be Blatantly Racist and Openly Promote Segregation?
...Ooh, the 'R' word, and I avoided saying 'blacks'... Ooh, pamper me with political patronizing correctness... anyways, personally I don't care much about 'white guilt', I don't have it in my genes, my parents didn't come from Europe... and I'm not a blind fan of forced diversity either, has some good points, some bad points... but hypocrisy kills my gut... The biggest repercussion the Mayor of New Orleans gets for such comments(that chocolate nonsense): He's not labeled a Racist, or a Bigot, or a Segregationist... he's simply 'ECCENTRIC'. He's about as open minded as George Wallace, and that was in the 60's for crying out loud. Give me a fucking break...

...look just a tad bit deeper, you think that's 'helping the cause'? You're just subconsciously planting more self-destructive social seeds... Why isn't there your classic uproar over those statements, save for a few 'comedy' jibes on old-hat political comedy shows? Because somehow, it's okay for 'them' to say 'stupid mendacious inflammatory' things... is that because deep down inside, you really think their immature and stupid? Like slapping a child on the wrist?

...sorta like when you see the now 'classic' Black and White couple in America... the White person is almost always perceived as more 'progressive', while the Black person is undoubtedly a 'sell-out'...

by LOCKHEED at January 21, 2006 9:29 PM

Good point. Look for Pat Robertson to blurt out something equally as loathsome and the media will be all over him. The mayor of New Orleans is a retard, plain and simple.

by anna at January 23, 2006 7:51 AM

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