« bad news: marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio | Main | Going to the Vault »


Hollywood's calling for the movie rights singing hey baby let's keep in touch

by anna at 07:22 PM on January 30, 2006

Lindsay Lohan has a new tattoo on her wrist. It says "Breathe." It is a reminder to herself that she suffers from asthma. This is such a west coasty thing to do. An east coaster would just buy some Primatene mist.

There's a long history of animosity between the two coasts. Just ask Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur. You'll be needing a shovel.

On the east coast the term "energy" usually refers to utilities, specifically the astronomical cost to heat your house. I just had a conversation with a friend who informed that from one bill to the next the gas company raised the price from $1.29 (up from $.88 just a couple months ago) to $1.44 per "therm," whatever that means. On the west coast it has a meaning akin to "vibe" as in, "Dude, I am feeling some negative energy emanating from that refrigerator. You don't happen to have any human heads in there, do you?"

It's the same way with "rights." We east coasters usually mean the ones we used to have guaranteed under the Bill of Rights until W snatched them all away forever. Either that or in directions, as in "it's two rights and a left, that simple." Whereas on the Left Coast they're talking rights to a book or a play or a racy bedroom video.

Ditto for "Are those real?" East coasters mean are those made of flesh or not? West coasters mean are those melons genuine silicone or something lesser, like saline implants? (I should point out that all 3 varieties are "real" i.e. they aren't imaginary. Just look at Pamela Anderson. Those are all too real.)

And football. As the rest of the country gears up for that annual orgy of chicken wings 'n chili-gorging, drunkenness, over-analysis and wife-beating known as Super Bowl Saturday into Sunday, west coasters are decidedly blase. First off, as always, they have no dog in this fight. California, the nation's largest and most populous state, only boasts two teams, the woeful SF 49ers---who play like they're all from there---and Oakland, whose thugs also play like they're from there.

Podunk Florida has three. Hell, New York City itself has two. But perhaps more importantly they just aren't into it. All that violence gives off negative energy. There are no rights to garner. All accounts are the exclusive property of the NFL and cannot be rebroadcast without the express written consent... And yes, those man-boobs are real. All too real.

Even when LA had teams nobody showed up to watch them.

I don't like the word "asthma." Like a Polish surname or the words "fjord" and "anesthesia," there seems to be too many consonants crowding out all the vowels. Just as Anderson's ample boobs are crowding out the rest of wafer-thin, steady diet of nothing LA. Breathe!

Sometimes less is more. So I'll shut up now. Enjoy the big game if you're still awake whenever the PriceWaterhouseCooper kickoff actually takes place well into the wee hours of the morning. And for god's sake, don't forget to breathe.

comments (11)

How stupid do you have to be that you need to get a bodily function so simple as "breathe" tattooed on you permanently? From all the recent pictures, perhaps Miss Lohan ought to have the word "Eat" tattooed on the other wrist?

Also, the last time I checked, San Diego was still in California.

by mg at January 30, 2006 8:28 PM

to leave you there by yourself chained to fate...

I keep seeing Jared Leto/Lindsay Lohan filming one block from my house in front of the Dakota... fucking Yoko should drop a brick on their heads...

by LOCKHEED at January 30, 2006 9:41 PM

Great post, again. Meh. I like the sound of the West coast... not for any great reason... just seems the tits are better on that side.

American Football needs pace ejecting into it, s'all stop start... crowd cheering in spurts. It needs Rugby League pace, and less padding.

Man, this is tiring, I'm using that retards saviour: the on-screen keyboard, because I can't be arsed to reach over and grab my keyboard... don't think the wire will stretch anyway. But yeah, West coast all the way, from where I'm sitting. Hard to be anything but blase with a game that teases at some high points every other decade. ;)

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 31, 2006 12:07 AM

mmmm, Lindsey Lohan, aghaghaghagh LOL Sorry, I didn't read this post past the part about her Tatoo. heheehe

by fcsuper at January 31, 2006 1:31 AM

MG: I guess I'm not so good @ math. Or geography. It's been brought to my attention that Seattle is in the Big Game. It is on the west coast.

ECGN: Agreed. Less padding = more injuries. Good thing.

Lock: Yes! A brick! Yoko!

FC: You should read it. It's brilliant.

by anna at January 31, 2006 7:52 AM

I said ejecting...

... think 4am, add an on-screen keyboard, then add me... yep... that about explains it. *Eject* some pace! That a way!

anna, blood bins rrrrock don't they? With Rugby they're supposed to be sent directly to it if there's any sign of blood. Most play until it's in their eyes though. And when things start getting rough, and fights break out, nothing quite like watching two teams of relative giants tearing into one another as a crowd chants: "You fuckin' bunch o' pussies! You fuckin' bunch o' pussies!"

Big screen replays of players getting back at other players after eventually coming around to the fact that they can't simply fight it out. Offering up brutal head-high tackles that knock jaws loose. Then add the skill of the players and the constant pace, two halves of forty minutes with nary a break... meh. NFL's lacking. Teams are too god damned large and the plays are too god damned short.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 31, 2006 7:46 PM

Then check out rugby on ice: the NHL.

by anna at February 1, 2006 7:35 AM

Yeah we have hockey here too... you *have* to watch the big screen though, its impossible to follow the puck otherwise. Guessing who has it half the time. Bunch o' slack jawed pussies playing here though, they're all Americans who can't make it your end. Heh heh.

Meh, subject change, are you guys still getting the 'bring our soldiers back' thing everyday? It's starting to get my goat. Media folks addressing generals and stuff asking why are we here and there, how long is this gonna take, what are you doing now.. blah. Can almost imagine the people of Rome dictating the course of the legions. "We still in Germania!? What's going on, bring our centurians back! Not in my name! Chant chant moan."

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 1, 2006 8:49 AM

We can't bring our troops back because of a spate of military losses lately from 'Nam to Somalia to NYC to Waco. At least you Brits have won lately in your triumph over mighty Argentina.

by anna at February 1, 2006 6:35 PM

Oo that's gonna leave a mark. :(

They call casualties of war 'victims' now. I'm staring at the front page of todays paper, title: 100th Victim. Picture of a soldier in full dress uniform. Reads like a casualty of war scenario, has all the markings of a casualty of war... yet he is a victim. Go figure. Is it because the government say the war is over? They instantly become victims, what with there being no war an' all? Beats me.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 2, 2006 11:06 AM

Casualties are victims. Terrorists are freedom fighters. It's all the same. Brave New World. 1984.

by anna at February 3, 2006 7:48 AM

comments are closed