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He not busy being born is busy dying

by anna at 05:34 PM on January 23, 2006

Evolutionists and creationists just might have more in common than they’d ever care to admit. Although, as we’ve seen, it is merely a theory rife with gaping holes and discrepancies galore, those who believe we’re just an opposable thumb and an enhanced cranial capacity removed from baboons seek to discredit traditional religious teachings with all the dogged fervor of the most Bible-thumping southern Baptist evangelist.

The biggest difference between the two camps is the way evolutionists seek to leech all vestiges of mystique, magic and majesty from our lives. Creationists tend to revel in all three.

I just got done watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel. In a rich baritone the narrator followed investigators around the middle East as they dug up clues to discredit Biblical accounts of the Jews’ exodus into the desert. Turns out Moses wasn’t channeling the mighty hand of God when he parted the waters of the Red Sea. Actually he and his followers scampered across a marshy body of water known as the Reed Sea. And he was no wise 80 year old prophet either. Rather, he was in fact the prodigal son of Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses I. The narrator made a big deal out of declaring that these historical events had nothing whatsoever to do with the power of God, but rather the all-knowing hand of MAN!

Meanwhile sailors and scientists plumb the depths of the Dead Sea, hoping to locate remnants of Noah’s Ark. If they succeed, it will prove that it was no Great Flood but just a local phenomenon. It just seemed like a worldwide flood to the locals because that little stretch of land was all they knew of. An analogy might be drawn to Americans’ myopic view that everyone across the globe looks up to us and aspires to emulate us and our system of government/culture. Word to the wise: They don’t. They despise us and everything we stand for. Except, of course, for our money---which they seek to steal.

Perhaps we veered off course when Thomas Jefferson made the “pursuit of happiness” a central tenet of the Declaration of Independence. Up until then the emphasis had been on righteousness and dignity, happiness be damned. Ever since we’ve become more preoccupied with ourselves and our own, mostly materialistic, enjoyment. And in order for this viewpoint to gain widespread acceptance, spirituality had to be rooted out of day-to-day life at every turn. Hundreds of ACLU lawyers make decent livings doing just that.

I was raised in that Bible-thumping southern Baptist tradition. All my life I had assumed I’d been baptized. I even had a vague memory of the event down by a muddy river. I tucked this belief in my back pocket like an insurance policy. I figured that even though I’m not a churchgoer and I never pray, just in case there is a God and a Heaven and a Hell, I’m covered. Hedging my bets, as it were.

Then came Sept 11. Our neat little secular apple cart got rudely overturned. Our society seemed to be coming apart at the seams, torn asunder by the very religious zealots we’d worked so hard to exclude from the discourse.

My faith in Man’s overall goodness was badly shaken. I felt a craving for something deeper. So my family started attending an Episcopalian church faithfully. Episcopalian rituals involve taking Communion. But only those who’ve been baptized are allowed to partake. It was brought to my attention that the baptism I’d recalled was not really mine but my sister’s. I’d co-opted her harrowing experience as if my own. The dunking in the water had proved so traumatic for her that my parents decided not to put my other sister and myself through that ordeal. Poof! Just like that my insurance policy was cancelled. I realized that I was on my own. What a desolate, empty feeling that was.


Like those Bible-thumpers, dour evolution advocates can’t content themselves with the knowledge that their sacred theory holds water, is likely true and proves quite helpful in explaining the vagaries our natural world. No, they must evangelize. They must attempt to win over the doubting Thomases and naysayers among us. They must squelch all manner of dissent. And they won’t stop until we drop the “theory” from the theory of evolution. They won’t stop until evolution is a universally accepted fact.

Oftentimes they will liken it to the “universally accepted fact” that the Earth revolves around the sun. Nobody doubts that anymore, right? Well, actually there are many primitive cultures where that belief isn’t widely held. They don’t believe the Earth is round either, because it doesn’t look round from their vantage point. Surely their views can’t be discounted altogether.

Go to www.abarnett.demon.co.uk/atheism/factandtheory.hrml and behold the musings that begin thusly: “The single most common misconception that people have about evolution is ‘it’s only a theory.’” The writer goes on to note: “Life evolves. That is a fact.” Not a factoid, mind you, but a stone cold fact.

He goes on to cite a pretty compelling scenario. So compelling, in fact, that you’re falsely led to believe he’s actually conducted the experiment. He has us suppose that a rancher is raising rabbits on a cold, isolated mountaintop. There are long-haired rabbits and short-haired rabbits. Each winter the short-haired rabbits practically get wiped out. Meanwhile the long-haired rabbits are breeding and reproducing like, well, rabbits. In the very next paragraph he blithely announces that, “Over many generations, the farm will consist almost entirely of long-haired rabbits…. Far fewer short-haired rabbits, and eventually none at all, will be born…” And then he trots out the tiresome saw that there is no debate among “scientists” as to whether evolution takes place. It does, and that is that. Case dismissed.

His stated purpose for writing this treatise was to set the record straight once and for all, thus alleviating the need for him to keep repeating himself time and time again on his message board. Somehow I doubt he succeeded.

Surprisingly this fanatic concedes that Darwin’s theory could be “totally, hopelessly and utterly wrong.” And yet, evolution still exists independent of the theory that some might say created it!

He also grudgingly acknowledges the obvious flaw in his rabbit ranch example i.e. that all the rabbits are still rabbits. Nope, not a gnu or caribou in the whole teeming bunch. Ah but he’s got that covered too. Turns out what’s happening at the ranch is micro-evolution, which isn’t to be confused with the mind-numbingly gradual process of macro-evolution from one species to another. Given enough eons of humping one another on that frigid mountaintop, one of those long-haired hares would rise up and attain the subhuman level of sophistication seen among those who go on shows like Maury and The Jerry Springer Show. Again, you simply cannot win with these people.

Which isn’t to imply that the religious zealots on the other end of this silly brouhaha are any better or less contentious. I’m reminded of the time Israeli leader Ariel Sharon was lying in a coma, the victim of a massive stroke that nobody could have been surprised by. The guy was old, unhealthy-looking and he weighed in with tonnage comparable to a rhinoceros. But no, that wasn’t it. According to blowhard preacher Pat Robertson, ’twas God’s hand that had struck the fat slob down. Why? For attempting to reconcile differences, turn the other cheek so to speak, with his longtime rivals the Palestinians. Yes, the very central tenet of Robertson’s professed faith.

Yoko One once drew flak for saying that women are the niggers of the world. Hailing from Japan perhaps she didn’t know how emotionally-charged the N-word is in America. Be that as it may, along with Kurds the Palestinians are the niggers of the middle east and you’d better not make nice with them. You wouldn’t want that vindictive Old Testament God cutting you down with a massive stroke, do you?

comments (12)

good post anna... unless you were 'black', most people would never type out the full 'n' word in a post, even if it was completley appropriate in context. Hats off for that.

don't worry bout the insurance policy lapsing...

...term insurance is like pissing money away, unless you're already 60 when you first buy it...

...and you know that less than 3% of people with term insurance actually die within that term? It's basically paying a premium for peace of mind is all...

by LOCKHEED at January 24, 2006 12:22 PM

What does Pat Robertson's ridiculous Sharon statement have to do with evolution?

by mg at January 24, 2006 11:46 PM

Thanx. Except for the second time I only used it when quoting someone else. That is okay.

MG: This was lifted from my book Splashing in the Gene Pool. It was taking equal jabs at both sides of the creationism v evolution debate. I have no dog in that fight, which kind of frees me up to ridicule them all.

by anna at January 25, 2006 7:43 AM

You want evoloution explained for you? Go here:http://www.abarnett.demon.co.uk/atheism/evolution.html

by 7Horns7Eyes at January 25, 2006 10:03 AM

Haha, I posted that not realising it was the site you referenced. You obviously went into that site with a closed view and an intent to belittle it, so what's the point? I'm religious and I still belive in evoloution. And you have to admit that evoloution has a lot more going for it than pretending magic makes everything happen.

Oh, and in regards to this: "Oftentimes they will liken it to the “universally accepted fact” that the Earth revolves around the sun. Nobody doubts that anymore, right? Well, actually there are many primitive cultures where that belief isn’t widely held. They don’t believe the Earth is round either, because it doesn’t look round from their vantage point. Surely their views can’t be discounted altogether."

Does that mean that if one of those tribes truely believed that the entire earth was like where they lived (not knowing any different) that this theory of theirs shouldn't be discounted too? Certain things are subjective, but are you really saying the earth might just in fact be flat and the center of the universe?

"Surely their views can’t be discounted altogether." Yes they bloodywell can, at least on matters of such an obvious nature. Are you about to trust someone who is ignorant of mechanics, not by choice but by circumstance, to make judgements on the state of your transmition?

by 7Horns7Eyes at January 25, 2006 10:23 AM

Oh, the page you mentioned was another part of the same site. The page adress i put down is a more rounded explanation.

And the "compelling" senario is obviously just a simple way to explain the concepts of evoloution. You however seem to have a bt of trouble in recognising this.

Here are some of the pages statements in context:

Now, objectors will say "Ah, but they're still rabbits, aren't they? That's not the same as amphibians turning into reptiles, and then mammals, is it? That still doesn't explain how a human can evolve from an ape-like ancestor, does it?"

Yes, it does. The change from mixed-fur rabbits to long-fur rabbits (in this example) is often referred to as micro-evolution - a minor change within a species. Larger changes are known as macro-evolution, and take far longer to occur, but the process involved is exactly the same - genes changing over time. It is a cumulative process - the minor changes build up over many generations into major changes. Given time, the descendants of these rabbits could become an entirely novel species of rabbit, and eventually a creature that can no longer be called a rabbit.

To say that you accept micro-evolution but not macro-evolution is akin to saying that it is possible to walk to the end of your street, but it is somehow impossible to walk to the next town. The process involved, putting one foot in front of the other, a single step at a time, is exactly the same although the end results may be completely different.

by 7Horns7Eyes at January 25, 2006 10:35 AM

Anna, are you not gonna pimp any books my way...? :(

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO ('The' Horn... All the Time) at January 25, 2006 4:13 PM

I knew that was you, and I ain't walking to no other town. And yeah I'd hook you up with a copy. Check your email, once I get my son to show me how to attach files or whatever. You'll laugh, you'll cry.

by anna at January 26, 2006 7:42 AM

I thought he was me when I read him too. Heh. I had to call people to make sure I hadn't taken anything mind bending in the past few days. Alas, s'not me govner. I only have one horn, and three eyes. Unless the mud eye counts? In which case I have four eyes: One horn and four eyes. If I wore glasses I'd have six eyes, but still only one horn...

*chews soap*

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 26, 2006 8:45 AM

Jesus Wanted To Cradle the Balls of the Incompetent at All Times... including Anti-Religious Evolutionarists...

You libs certainly lick and cradle the balls of the incompetent like a knee-jerk reflex even if they strong armed robbed your own momma... Jesus is really your poster boy, admit it... and you know, those incompetents would never cradle your balls, they'd kick them in... and you'd excuse them... so burn in fucking Incorporated Christian Hell...

So anyways, I was walking down the street earlier, and I heard a loud drawn out screeching noise of burning rubber... followed by a loud crashing noise, like metal colliding, and then sirens. I almost thought it was a 'car accident'... but that would be 'stereotyping'.

...sucks how used to never have to feel this much unproductive anger in my life...

by LOCKHEED at January 26, 2006 1:53 PM

Welp, there's a lot of thought that went into your post, but its sentiment is common, and there's common misunderstandings about what evolution is within it. Even the website you mention makes some mistakes in its explanation. A common mistake is over use of the word "species" or the concept of seperate animal groups not being able to breed with each other, even when they have a common ancestor. Evolution is not a theory because come guy came up with a great idea and sold it to others. As with all science, there are established facts. A theory is a working (key word WORKING) explanation of those facts. Working? Yes, we are able to use our knowledge of evolution to make predictions, to further science in new areas, to discover new facts, etc. Evolution itself didn't come out of thin area. It is actually the result of geological sciences combined with supporting observations in the modern natural world. Evolution wasn't just written up one day. It is the explanation of what we humans had to admit from mounting geological evidence. Creationism didn't fit what was being discovered geologically. Anyways, nmost of the evolution based preaching going on is often to counter intentional mis-statements of others who want to believe in creationism so badly that they ignore nature and the facts it gives us in favor of one particular myth that happened to survive long enough to be taken as fact by a band of roaming nomads crossing the Reed Sea. ;)

by fcsuper at January 29, 2006 7:41 PM

Who even knew there was a Reed Sea? Seems like an oxymoron to me.

by anna at January 30, 2006 7:50 AM

comments are closed