« He not busy being born is busy dying | Main | Hollywood's calling for the movie rights singing hey baby let's keep in touch »


bad news: marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio

by mg at 08:45 AM on January 26, 2006

I donít know about anyone else, but Iíve been crazy busy lately. I havenít had time for much of anything, and so havenít been able to keep up with the news (though I unfortunately do know what happened on Celebrity Fit Club 3 last week).

In order to not lose track of the world, I did a blitzkrieg news binge this morning, and thought Iíd share everything what I learned. Whether you've been busy like me, lazy (like me usually), or you just don't watch The Daily Show, you can read this so you wonít have to bother reading the news yourself.

Mayor Ray Nagin apologized for making comments about rebuilding New Orleans as a chocolate city. I donít understand why everyone got all upset about this; I think having a city made entirely of chocolate would be a great way to bring tourists back to that hurricane ravaged city. If only they could build a city with fewer black people. And while an entire city made of chocolate may be a difficult architectural feat, Iíve heard of stranger building materials. Jefferson Starship, for example, built a city on rock and roll, and rock and roll isnít even corporeal.

Something happened to Paris Hilton, and every newspaper in the country reported on it.

Canada held national elections for a new Prime Minister earlier this week. There were, uhm, two different guys running and, uhm, one of them won. It doesnít really matter, its just Canada. I do know the guy they elected is super conservative. All that matters is that you Canadian hockey-watchers bitch at us down here for 6 years about the puritan we elect, and then you elect someone that makes George Bush look like the Brokeback President?

The impact this could have is huge. For example: all the liberal Hollywood types who constantly threaten to move to Canada whenever something doesnít go their way are going to have to threaten to move to Mexico. From what I've read, there are already Minutemen, or "Hombres minuciosos," lining up on the other side of the Mexican border to prevent Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon from getting in.

And speaking of George Bush he is also in the news himself for some trouble over allegations of domestic spying. Apparently the government has been tracking what books we buy on Amazon.com, what DVDs are on our Netflix queue, what kind of milk we buy with all those store loyalty cards, and what kind of porn we download off the internet. Theyíve even been opening all our mail with giant steam machines (hence the need for 3 cents more in postage).

Oh, wait, I just read another article. None of that stuff above is true, theyíve just been recording conversations with suspected terrorists. Whatís so bad about that again?

Pope Benedict XVI issued his first encyclical. I don't know what an "encyclical" is, but I'm guessing it was sealed with hot wax, has lots of gold leaf on it, and smells like incense. Those Catholics love incense. The encyclical confirms that the only pure love is the love of God. No mention about the love of altar boys.

A California couple who stuck a finger in Wendy's chili bowl was sentenced to 9 years in prison and ordered to pay almost $22 million in restitution. WTF? Michael Jackson loaded cancer boy up with Jesus juice and probably stuck in more than a finger, and yet is still free to parade around the Middle East in womenís clothing. R. Kelly peed on a minor last century and it doesnít seem like heíll even be brought to trial, much less justice. Nine years and $22 million seems a little steep for just a finger Ė especially considering it wasnít even their finger.

Oh yeah, and Iran is working on nuclear weapons.

comments (13)

Ah, thanks for that recap MG...

...I only like the NON-SPIN news that MG reports...

WOW, talk about Cognitive Dissonance... 9 YEARS/22MIL? The white trash world that thinks they can relate to 'blacks' is going to say, yo, it's a classict thing...

then they'll think, but MJackson, Rkelly they got away with much worse, but their black so it's 'legit' 'bee'.

by LOCKHEED at January 26, 2006 1:51 PM

Lemme see if I got all this...

They're making a brand spanking new - New Orleans out of black people, and Canadia has a new Prime Minister made out of chocolate. Alec Baldwin and Suzan Sarandon are working on nuclear weapons and are at war with Mexico, and the Pope had his first finger of chilli costing $22 million, in Iran?

That was all much easier to digest than standard news, which I have real trouble remembering... ALL news should be like this!

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 26, 2006 7:44 PM

Dude you are such a racist!!! Are you teaching your daughter the n-word?

by Eviltom at January 26, 2006 8:45 PM

THIS BLOG is really starting to SUCK AGAIN...

by LOCKHEED at January 26, 2006 11:06 PM

He repeats himself when under stress. I am so sure Linz is secretly watching us.

I got on the Bill O'Reilly radio program! I asked him why he only wants a Great Wall erected on the southern US border and not all the others. Don't want pasty Canadians or Greenlanders sneaking in here and filching our jobs, no? They hung up on me.

by anna at January 27, 2006 7:53 AM

You are right Lock, this blog is starting to suck again. Your loyalty in us is totally unfounded. I don't understand why you bother to come back. But I'm glad you do stick around, because I'm not sure how we'd replace your nonsensical racist comments...

by mg at January 27, 2006 8:29 AM

if you're gonna make racist comments, at least make it sensical.

by eviltom at January 27, 2006 10:19 AM

Don't be racist man

by Don Cheadle at January 27, 2006 7:14 PM

MG, Dat Bee Mean, bee..

and there's a different between stereotyping and racism.

...I heard a loud screeching burning rubber noise, and the aloud metal crash... I almost thought it was a 'car acciden't, but that would be stereotyping...

by LOCKHEEd at January 28, 2006 4:19 PM

For God's sake, Lockheed, can you PLEASE update your racism?! You're stuff is right out of the 80's? Whatcha talkin' 'bout Willis?

by Eviltom at January 28, 2006 4:52 PM

Okay EvilTom:

Me CHinese Me Play Joke... Me put pee-pee in your coke...

Now that's very 2010...
trust me, way ahead of it's tie..

by LOCKHEED at January 29, 2006 12:42 PM


Again, again!

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 29, 2006 5:47 PM

He's right in that there is a difference. Stereotypes usually have some basis in truth. Who will win the long distance running at the Summer Games? Kenyans, it's a foregone conclusion.

by anna at January 30, 2006 7:47 AM

comments are closed