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Should I fly to Los Angeles, find my asshole brother?

by anna at 08:43 AM on August 06, 2005

Every so often I attempt a monumental undertaking: writing a book. To paraphrase Jaded Jew, this is so foolish, on so many levels, that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, it is a colossal waste of time. First-time authors can never enjoy the services of a reputable agent let alone get published. You have to work your way up, doing magazine articles and such. Trying to write a book without being published before is like a U-6 soccer player trying out for Manchester United. Just ain't going to happen.

When you submit your manuscript to an agent or publisher, you wait. And wait. After a month or two it is returned with a cursory form letter basically saying nice try but we aren't interested. But don't stop trying! And carve an L on your forehead, loser! In my case, the material has proven so patently offensive to some that it prompted them to pen a real letter advising me never to send them anything again. As if just reading my prose had tainted them for life.

So now I am at it again. My working title is Splashing in the Gene Pool. In what may come as a relief to many, this means you'll see less of me here at Bad Sam.

The premise is to take a lighthearted look at genetics, unspoken racial differences and the silly theory of evolution. In the last week I have managed to churn out a meager total of 6 pages. I've examined the preponderence of blacks in sports, the differences between me and my shiftless 1/2 brother, the genetics behind The Simpsons, who is smarter, Bart or Lisa, whether Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf's kid is guaranteed to dominate the tennis circuit and of course my time-honored theme of how beauty is not in the eyes of the beholder but rather an objective measure most sighted folks can agree upon. (Insert your own link of Denise Richards after shedding her dreaded baby bulge here. I'm too lazy and hungover.)

Just this far in I'm already plagued by writer's block. So help me out here. Any ideas?

comments (8)

"Should I fly to Los Angeles, find my asshole brother?"

Didn't you use that title on another post?

I'm not helping, am I?

When it comes to publishing, you should do it on the Web. It's pretty easy to do and it's cheap.

by MrBlank at August 6, 2005 8:09 PM

You could try to enjoy the process, and instead of trying to imagine the completed work getting torn to shreds by reputable publishers, and handed back to you along with your ass... or preparing your speech upon becoming a New York Times best seller, you could always concentrate on the next thousand words. How many words is six pages anyway? I can do six pages in less than a second... font size: 72. :)

Go for a drive. Think of how many words ending in ate you can come up with. Like that Yank medium/psychic, Edwards... or something. Communicate, masturbate, fornicate, deliberate, emancipate... it won't help any, but it's better than staring at a screen with writers block.

by Ex Crimson Gaurd NCO at August 6, 2005 8:19 PM

I probably did, as I think it is one of the best opening lines of a song I've ever heard. It's followed by: "There must be something that we can eat. Maybe find another lover."

I thought about using the Stranglers' "But the money's no good, and you should know."

How do you get paid with web publishing?

Oh I do enjoy the process. It's just that I resent the whole snooty publishing/agent establishment. They don't think readers would appreciate some honest, if perverse, analysis of various elephants in the room that no one dares to discuss. It isn't all that different from what I post here. And the pay's the same.

by anna at August 7, 2005 8:31 AM

Good luck with your book, Anna!

I met a girl when I was traveling last year who had written several travel guides for Lonely Planet. I asked her how she'd gotten that gig, and her response was, "Well, it all started when I was as stripper..." She'd published a magazine with her fellow strippers, and that's how she got into writing. I guess everyone starts somewhere.

by Leaffin at August 9, 2005 2:38 PM

Yes, good luck Anna!

I think people only really get paid for Web publishing when they write about things that people can buy. Even then I don't think you get much money.

by jean at August 10, 2005 1:02 AM

Well that sucks. Maybe I should try out writing catchy slogans for that leftist "post gender" chick who emblazons t-shirts with slogans like, "The only bush I trust is my own." Or my fave: "If this is date rape does that mean I get dinner?" She claims that people pay more attention to her sloganeering when it is pasted across her D-cups.

by anna at August 10, 2005 7:57 AM


good luck...

you should just send excerpts to the New Yorker or something...

by lockheed at August 10, 2005 4:55 PM

Now there's an idea.

by anna at August 10, 2005 6:06 PM

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