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she'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the t-bird away

by anna at 07:07 PM on August 22, 2005

Looking to chase those summer doldrums away? Wanna have a little fun at the expense of others? Of course you do! So do like what I've been doing to amuse myself lately.

Drive around suburban neighborhoods. Look for houses with for sale signs in the yards. There are plenty of them. Park in fron as if casing the joint. Sit there for five minutes and then get out and pace around looking at you watch every couple seconds. Convey that you are waiting for someone.

Then knock on the door. Tell the resident that you are really interested in touring the home but your agent stood your ass up. Say something like, "Hal must have gotten hung up at closing." Use a name, it makes it more convincing. Ask if they'd mind if you had a look around. As the market cools down it becomes more and more likely that desperate sellers will agree to show their homes to total strangers unaccompanied by agents.

Move through the rooms, secretly scoffing at their awful decor choices, knockoff art, outdated appliances and overall lack of taste. Either walk unnaturally fast so they can't keep up or real slow like you're disabled. Get real close to anything that looks like it might contain valuables, such as a jewelry box. Gush about the house's better qualities if it has any. Otherwise make something up: That skylight would be great if it wasn't so grimy no light comes through!

Inform them that you will take it at the asking price. Then ask what that amount is. Shrug. Tell them that you have the money in the car and could they get their agent over there right away, as you're in a huge hurry and need to close the deal right now.

Walk out to the car and retrieve a briefcase. Get out of the car and stride purposefully toward the house. Then pull out your cell as if it rang. Act real surprised at what the caller said and run back to your car. Drive off with tires squeeling.

The people will be left to wonder if they just got robbed, or if you were casing the joint or if perhaps you were for real and will be returning to buy their hovel in cash---which an Arab actually offered to do when I sold my first townhouse years ago. What, you think I come up with this stuff on my own?

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