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anna

I'm so bored, you're to blame

by anna at 09:47 AM on August 27, 2005

Dating back to Henny Youngman's classic one-liner "Take my wife....please!" old school comics have delighted in disparaging their better halves. Just the other day I heard one on the radio. He said: I spend a lot of time on the road, so I need porn. My wife was unpacking my bags and found a tape. It was called The French Maid. She asked me if I wanted her to dress up like a French maid. I said no, you'd ruin the tape.

And while he was indeed joking there's a kernel of truth to that observation. I'd venture that most married people seldom use their spouse as the object of their fantasies. To do so would somehow cheapen their relationship. Plus, it hits too close to home.

I also think most folks date one sort of person but marry another one entirely. Guys gravitate to flashy, trashy women but never commit to them. Likewise, women swoon over rakish rogue types of guys but wind up marrying dudes who are reliable breadwinners with stable jobs. Then they wonder why they grow so bored when he sits there drinking beer in yesterday's undererwear, watching 3 consecutive football games and then the endless recap on ESPN Sports Center. And guys are just as dismayed when their wives pack on pounds, lose their provocative walk for a puroseful, stroller-pushing stride and get that Soccer Mom hairdo that looks like they put a bowl over their head and cut around it themselves.

We had company this week, my brother and father-in-law among them. After an obligatory few minutes seated around the kitchen table gabbing with the womenfolk, they waited for a lull in the conversation. It's the guys' cue to saunter out of the kitchen, park themselves on the nearest couch and locate the remote. Then scan through 100 channels until they find---you guessed it---ESPN Sports Center. I joined them and sat mesmerized as the hosts prattled on about the baseball playoff race, which is heating up just as summer finally cools down. The Yankees are in the wild card hunt! My new home team the Nationals appears to be fading after a promising start!

Who knew that baseball even still existed? I thought their season got cancelled after a labor dispute and lockout by management or something.

comments (7)

Yeah, if, a year ago, you'd told me that they've never resolved the baseball strike from 5ish years ago, I would have believed you.

But then I went to Nicaragua, where everyone loves baseball. Once Nicaraguans find out you're from the States, they ask you who your favorite team is. On Sundays, the men all go out to play baseball and then get drunk in celebration of their win or to forget about their loss. It's fascinating that something that seems to have lost lots of its mass appeal in the States has evolved into such a big thing down there.

by leaffin at August 28, 2005 1:43 PM


As a kid I memorized the Baseball Encyclopedia in its entirety. But now I couldn't name a single player aside from Randy Johnson. And I only know about him cuz his nickname makes me giggle. The Big Unit sounds like a porn star.

by anna at August 29, 2005 8:23 AM


hmmm... sometimes it can work if its very degrading and devoid of morals... the wife thing...

by lockheed at August 29, 2005 6:48 PM


hmmm... sometimes it can work if its very degrading and devoid of morals... the wife thing...

by lockheed at August 29, 2005 6:50 PM


I disagree.

by anna at August 29, 2005 10:35 PM


Only if it's someone else's wife.

by Long TIme Lurker at August 30, 2005 8:43 PM


Touche.

by anna at August 31, 2005 7:35 AM



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