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I write the songs...that suck

by anna at 07:09 PM on August 16, 2005

It's a tad sad to see this once-mighty site seemingly withering on the vine for lack of posts and comments. I'll try to enliven things a bit with a discussion of something near and dear to so many hearts, something radio stations insist that "it's" all about----The Muuuuuu-sic!

Specifically I'd like to nominate a few songs for the title of Absolute Worst and Yet Inexplicably Popular in Terms of Airplay.

My #1 nominee is the Black Crowes' Hard to Handle. Here we have a Led Zeppelin knockoff riff with lyrics that just make me cringe and I'm not even a girl. The premise being that this girl has a boyfriend but sex with this bearded joker will be so much better. To convince her of this he calls her "little thing," as in "Little thing let me light your candle." In the manner of bikers in or behind bars he also refers to a woman his age as "mama." He's supposed to be such a better stud because he is "hard to handle" i.e. an asshole. I'm so sure. It's a wonder a sophisticated actress like Kate Hudson puts up with this dick.

I also take an intense dislike to Eric Clapton's Rock and Roll Heart. Here he is saying "before we go crazy, before we explode" (pretty insensitive in this age of daily suicide bombings) he wants here to know that he gets off on '57 Chevies and "screaming guitars," whatever that means. What's more, he "don't want to change." "Here's what you're getting," he informs the unfortunate lass. What a sexist dick. And the guitar licks are hardly "screaming." This songs sucks ass.

Then there's Bruce Springsteen's workmanlike Hungry Heart. A charming little ditty about a guy who went out for a ride and then deserted his family, leaving them to starve to death. Same goes for this, from Fastball.

My son disagrees. He thinks Dido's stalker anthem White Flag is the epitome of bad songs. And I must admit it smacks of what both Ezy and I have experienced when it comes to ex-girlfriends who continue to carry a torch and refuse to simply go quietly into the night. People like that are annoying and should be shot on sight.

Anything else come to mind?

comments (11)

I almost forgot AC/DC's over threat of murder/rape TNT: "Lock up your daughter. Lock up your wife. Lock up your back doot and run for your life." Mmmm.

by anna at August 17, 2005 7:12 PM

Overt, not over. Oops.

by anna at August 17, 2005 7:13 PM

I think a lot of Top 40 songs from the '80s were inexplicable. "Carribean Queen" and "The Freaks Come Out at Night" are two. Anything by a girl group like Bananarama, too. Belinda Carlyle's solo stuff was almost inexplicable, but I bought one of her albums anyways.

They are kind of scary, in an existential sort of way.

by jean at August 19, 2005 2:43 AM

And where is everyone? :)

by jean at August 19, 2005 2:44 AM

I dunno. My iPod has the Go-gos' Our Lips Are Sealed on it. It has the same message that all the teen queens of today do: People are talking about us but they don't know shit. It is timeless. And God knows, maybe on Vay-K.

by anna at August 19, 2005 7:41 AM

I've never had the(dis)pleasure of hearing this song,or any of his other material,but my buddy,who works at a local
feeder plant for Ford of Canada,says"Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer is played so often on the only radio
station that his co-workers seem to listen to that it's driving him buggy.He says that not only are the lyrics saccharine,
but Mayer's style of "singing" led him to call this rising "stupor-inducing star "Slobber Boy."Apparently,he's got another
insipid ditty which is being played ad nauseam,meaning there must be a lot of unfulfilled housewives out there.
Unfornately,I HAVE heard this abomination,though not recently.It's that disgustingly bad cover of the Monkees' "I'm A
Believer."At 52,I remember the boppin' original,and this guy should be forced to watch a cassette of every game
played by the '03 Detroit Tigers in super-slow motion(they were 43-119,remember.)Oh,pitcher Kris Benson's wife An-
na's body IS a wonderland.Check out her website for proof.Later,gators.

by Cowboy at January 30, 2006 10:09 AM

My nominee for inexplicably popular song is "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Here's a song about a couple of drugged out singers fuckin' every chick who flashes her skanky tattooed titties or guy who produces an eightball with the promise of more blubbering about the fact that they really hate being unfaithful. What a bunch of fuckin' horse shit! He's so in love with this woman yet he's lamenting the fact that he doesn't have a GOOD girl to miss him. This has to be the absolute worst song ever written and yet one of the most popular songs at my karaoke shows. The fact that most of the couples who sing? this song couldnt carry a fuckin' tune in a 3 handled bucket doesn't do anything to endear this ditty to the author either.

by toby at January 31, 2006 9:23 AM

It goes witout saying that those two pieces of Detroit trailer trash,Eminem and Kid
Rock SUCK MAJOR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!Didn't Marsh-mallow have a song about someone's sister(maybe his,who knows) being raped by 10 dudes?Hey,pervo,why don't you
go back to that Kansas City trailer park whence you came????As for Bobby Baby
(Ritchie,the Kid's-KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!HE TURNED 35 JAN.17!!!!-),he's gone from rap to rap-rock to rap-Southern rock and now he's trying to go Country-you know,like ex-
Poison frontman and Pam Anderson boy Bret Michaels.Anything for the Benjamins,
like your hero W.Why don't you move to Crawford,Tex.with Teddy Nugent,that
senile geezer metal dude,get Toby Keith to relocate there and you three would be
considered geniuses in Dummyville with your combined I.Q.'s of 125????

by Cowboy at February 1, 2006 2:24 PM

Question for you lobotomized rap fans.Has 50 Cent been shot eight,ten or a dozen times?
I'm guessing a dozen because he was the biggest-selling (c)rapper in '05,and as we all know,rap CD sales are directly proportional to the number of shootings,either as perp-
MUCH more common-or as victim.Catch you soon,boys.

by Cowboy at February 2, 2006 3:18 PM

If I EVER again hear "I Will Always Love You",I'll heave for A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!This "song" is SO saccharine,I'm sur-
prised anyone who listens to it doesn't die of an artificial sugar overdose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Cowboy at April 7, 2006 10:00 AM

And the worst thing is,50 Cent,George Dummy Bush and I have a common birthday
(July 6!!!!!).Makes me wish my mother had held me in three more hours(I was born at
9 p.m.)

by Cowboy at August 24, 2006 5:16 PM

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