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anna

There's a fat man in the bathtub with the blues

by anna at 09:41 AM on April 24, 2005

"You don't smell half bad for a fat chick."
Every time I hear this backhanded complement, it reminds me of an essay my pal Brian once turned in. It was entitled Fat Chicks Are Better in Bed Because They Try Harder. Even though it was well-reasoned, and quite possibly true, he got a big fat F.

The flawed reasoning behind assuming that the fat smell worse than others is that they sweat more profusely. This is not true. However, consider this: A typical bath uses 40 gallons of water. Suppose ten of those are used for rinsing your hair and such. That leaves 30 to soak in. Now I am an undersized 142 pounds. I fill the bath as high as it can go without draining---with me in it. When I stand up to scrub my balls, there's only about 9 inches of water in the tub. If someone 3 times my size were to do this, they'd displace 3 times as much water. So they are soaking and rinsing their body in just 3 inches of water. Or about 10-12 gallons of water. Hence, maybe there isn't enough water in a typical tub to get totally clean. It's just a thought.

It also reminds me of an ongoing battle over hot water we had when we lived in a group house. This guy who'd come from a large family insisted that the solution was to only wash "the parts that stink" i.e armpits, crotch and feet.

When we view our favorite Hollywood stars, athletes and politicians, we see what they look like. We can hear how they sound. However, due to security concerns, we rarely get close enough to these icons to smell them and assess their aromas.

We're left to guess. I tend to think Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney and Audrey Hepburn (sorry Lock) and all the other pre-deodorant stars smelled awful. And yet I believe John Wayne probably smelled good, like your grandpa after a hot shower and a splash of Old Spice cologne. I bet Bill Clinton smells good. So does George W Bush, unless he's been clearing brush in the searing Texas sun. Richard Nixon probably stunk of flop sweat before each speech.

Yes, some people look like they never come clean. Jeff Goldblum and Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton and Anne Heche and Woody Allen come to mind. As do Brittany Murphy and Kate Moss and Dustin Hoffman and Homer Simpson . Whereas Nicole Kidman, Meg Ryan, Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks all seem to clean up pretty well.

It is also important to realize that all these person sit there grunting on the toilet and leave the bathroom uninhabitable for hours. They do other unsavory stuff too. Monroe was once asked what the best part of being a star was. She said it was not having to suck off producers and casting directors to garner roles. Can you imagine anyone being that honest today? Even though it's true.

comments (2)

Hmmm... the back of my ears in the crease zone sometimes reaks like dead potatoes... I'm sure A. Hepburn did work up a sweat in her Unicef days in africa.

by Lockheed at April 25, 2005 11:20 PM


Yesterday I had an itch behind my ears. I scratched it and then my finger came near my nose. Yup, old potatoes with roots growing out of them at the bottom of my cabinet. I recall my mom beseeching me to scrub back there, but I never do. A silent protest, I suppose.

by anna at April 26, 2005 7:42 AM



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