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anna

the same situations just different faces

by anna at 06:34 PM on April 28, 2005

We all walk around with our masks firmly in place. At meetings, at the grocery store, sitting in a theater, we're thinking all kinds of crazy shit. But with our faces impassive, nobody is the wiser. Unless you tell them, no one will know all the weird, random stuff floating around in your mind. But now you will know what is floating around in mine all the time.

Memories of being grilled by police for hours on end.... The white-knuckle seconds right before a Cadillac travelling 70 miles crashed into a carport, leveling it.... Being at funerals and feeling nothing.... My extended time in the hospital and awkward sex with a chick there who had a leg cast and was in traction.... The time I was driven 60 miles to camp, only to have to turn around and come home to get my hiking boots..... A series of humilations... My friend Matt getting pummeled and bloodied while sticking up for me to this hood who tried to rob me time and time again.... How we all used to sit with our backs facing away from the entrance of restaurants for fear of of being caught unawares.... Time in the crime syndicate... Lor's grand mal seizure... My grand mal seizures and how peaceful I felt afterwards.... The time my pet mice got loose and scared the living shit out of my mom, who was deathly afraid of them.... Living in a tool shed and resting my head on a weed whacker.... Tom's mom reaching into a low cabinet for her bottle of Scotch only to find a six foot boa constrictor coiled around it. Her blood-curdling scream and accusatory tone with me.... Bombing at standup comedy and the maniacal laughter of one audience member.... Doubts about things I am unsure whether they really happened or I just imagined it..... Sitting in my grandpa's tiny backyard that was totally covered with tomato plants and crawling with aphids as he drank and sang, "I scream you scream we all scream for ice cream.".... My dad punching my friend in the face for making a disparaging remark about my mom.... My sister's boyfriend showing me how they'd rigged up his Z-28 for "rolling fags" and asking him why they did that. "Because they are fags," he helpfully explained..... Ridiculous clothing we once wore.... Driving a girl home after a one night stand and having her lovingly sing, "You put me high on a pedestal" to me. Wanting to sock her. Asking for her name.... A former girlfriend who'd lost her home, promising career and everything else telling me she still had big tits so she'd be fine.... Standing in the outfield praying that the ball wouldn't be hit to me.... Catching mom and dad in the act.... Being cruel to a little chihuaha we had as kids. Stuff like that.

comments (5)

"A former girlfriend who'd lost her home, promising career and everything else telling me she still had big tits so she'd be fine.... " and she probably was.

by chuckwoolery at April 29, 2005 5:55 PM


As it turned out, she was.

by anna at April 29, 2005 6:31 PM


How we all used to sit with our backs facing away from the entrance of restaurants for fear of of being caught unawares ... I do that too. It's mostly an observational thing: that I'd like to see who's coming in and out of a room I'm in. I like 'people-watching.' But I suppose it's also a passive form of paranoia that really took hold when I started training in the martial arts. Martial arts don't make you paranoid, but they do make you more aware of your surroundings, or to put it another way, make you realize how unaware you are when you, for instance, sit with your back turned to a door or the largest part of the room. I just feel ... mildly uneasy. It's sort of the same way that, when I'm about to walk around a corner, I notice that my hands will start to straighten and my weight shifts a bit as though I'm about to execute a shuto-uke (ridge-hand block). How many times have I been attacked walking around a corner? None. But it's just something I do without really even thinking about. I suppose I'm nuts.

by Mike Sheffler at April 30, 2005 6:09 PM


Maybe so. We certainly were. We lived in mortal fear of being assassinated at any given moment. Did anyone actually get assassinated? Nope.

by anna at May 1, 2005 9:24 AM


See.... it worked.

by Long Time Lurker at May 3, 2005 1:03 PM



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