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The random nature of things

by anna at 07:29 PM on April 11, 2005

My son says, That's pretty random. I'm sure he's picked this up from pals at school. It doesn't mean really random it is something else. Precisely what isn't the point. It's just a convenient intro to my thoughts on randomness.

Back when I worked at a posh office building with elevators that sported gold doors that people shined all day long, I got on the elevator at the same time as the big boss of my office. She's very prim and proper. Imagine the way she sneered at the picture on the elevator floor. It appeared to be torn out of Hustler or somesuch thing. A man visible only from the waist down was offering his dick to a woman on her knees with her mouth agape. We rode up three floors in excrusiatingly awkward silence until at last she asked, "What is that doing there?" I stammer, "Uh, er, I dunno. Somebody musta left it there." Thereby branding myself as the culprit even though I had just arrived at work and thus couldn't have put it there. Random, man, random.

You see lots of random things along the side of the road. Just today I saw: 1) A bag of garbage, neatly tied with one of those twisty tie things. It appeared to be household garbage, begging the question of why its owner didn't simply leave it at the curb or throw it down the chute. 2) What looked like a cremation urn, with some kind of inscription. Maybe a wife attended the funeral of her husband with her lover and discarded it on the way to his place. 3) A single Ked. No mate. Is someone trudging around in one Ked? Does anyone still wear Keds? 4) Panties. [Insert your own joke here.]

There's a place in my office park where I go to stand around and smoke. There are no residences or restaurants or anything but office space for miles around. For months I've been deeply disturbed by the presence of a used condom next to the curb. Across the street is a mental ward. How did this get there? There's no way anyone had sex on the steep little embankment there. One surmises that it might have been tossed from a passing vehicle but it is on the passenger's side of the road. You mean to tell me somebody blew a guy driving and then was polite enough to pull the nasty thing off and hurl it into the gutter without spilling a drop? I've never known any girls like that.

One day this guy came along with this stick that had a spike on the end. He used it to pick up cigarette butts (all mine) and other debris strewn about. He got to the used condom, pondered picking it up and then thought better of it. I can't blame him. Could be HIV in there.

Don't know why but these types of questions plague me 24-7. I need an explanation but none is forthcoming.

comments (15)

Once I rented a canoe with some friends and canoed down the Potomac (I think that's the right river?). We were headed towards the Watergate Hotel when a condom floated by. :D Um, I hope you don't add it to your list of questions, though.

Things happen, both good and bad. Like today, I thought that my monthly parking had run out, but when I swiped my access card the gate let me in. Which is good, because I won't have money to pay the $50 fee until Thursday. That's pretty cool.

by jean at April 12, 2005 3:59 AM

Used condoms everywhere. I suppose someone copped some aquatic action there. There is a Tori Amos song where she sings about strolling the Santa Monica Pier amid piles of them. I'm not sure what it's supposed to symbolize. With her, surely something.

by anna at April 12, 2005 7:55 AM

When I was living in Nicaragua, I saw an opened condom package that still had a condom in it near my door. I figured that my neighbor must have been shot down mid-action, and I couldnīt resist teasing him about it. His response: ĻOh, that hasnīt been used, hand it over!Ļ I picked it up and threw it in my garbage before he could use it.

by Leaffin at April 12, 2005 11:58 AM

as often as posible, every one should take there right hand and place it over the heart and say

"I, will as soon as it is humanly posible, in this modern world, comit to be a witness in the, of the, and apart of the invasion of France! I will take part in this by first finding a condom, then quikly mailing it ,opened, to some random french person who happens to live in paris!"

by Rich at April 12, 2005 4:48 PM

Talk about random stuff, check out comment above. Welcome Rich.

Once I tried to reuse a condom. That doesn't work real well. Another time a GF told me she'd done this guy Todd who always did the girls I did. He's kinda skanky, and I know he's used IV drugs. So I was a bit concerned. She's like, oh don't worry, he used a rubber. Hardly reassuring.

Leaf, once the package is open they start losing lubricant. You can't use 'em after they been lying around on someone's stoop. But I think maybe he was sending a sublime message to you.

by anna at April 12, 2005 6:31 PM

And I might add that I greatly admire whoever put that pix in the elevator. It was like public art, like those tangerine colored flags in Central Park. It was... a STATEMENT.

by anna at April 12, 2005 6:49 PM

I know that you canīt use one once itīs been opened.. thatīs why I was so appalled by his comment. That particular guy asked me on a daily basis when I was going to marry him. I said never, he had a girlfriend already, and he just wanted to sleep with me. He agreed with me and then sometimes didnīt even bother with the marriage offer-- heīs just try to usher me into his room. Never succeeded.

by Leaffin at April 13, 2005 2:44 PM

Random dispersion...

you've had too many 'random's all in the same day or area...

...not random.

by Lockheed at April 13, 2005 9:45 PM

What, you think there's some kind of pattern to all this?

by anna at April 14, 2005 7:55 AM

I feel obligated to say that I've never seen the Santa Monica Pier covered in used condoms. I haven't seen a used condom there before at all. So Tori Amos was being figurative.

However, if you go to that pier on a Friday night, everyone on it is making out with someone else. Apparently it's a huge make-out spot, but I think it's pretty gross if fifty couples are all doing it at the same time. They're all in their late teen or early twenties, too, so hands are roaming everywhere. It's like that John Waters movie, "Crybaby."

by jean at April 15, 2005 11:31 PM

So all that making out never leads anywhere? Or the CA youth are fastidious about not littering? Or they don't practice safe sex?

by anna at April 16, 2005 8:14 AM

That's a good question. You couldn't actually have sex on the pier, because there are so many people and a lot of police officers there. I suppose people are going home to do it. I don't think they're doing it on the beach, because that's easy to see, also. They're probably not doing it in their cars, because there's an outdoor mall right next to the pier, and people and police are walking around there all of the time.

by jean at April 18, 2005 1:52 AM

That's what beach blankets are for. I've done it at San Luis Obisbo or whatever that place is called where the Hearsts live.

by anna at April 18, 2005 7:55 AM

True, but I think the beach at SLO is a lot more deserted than Santa Monica. Santa Monica has people coming and going on it all the time.

Have you ever taken the tour of Hearst castle? It's amazing!

by jean at April 19, 2005 12:14 AM

Yeah it rocks but you half expect Patti to pull an Uzi on you.

by anna at April 19, 2005 7:48 AM

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