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Sign, sign everywhere a sign

by anna at 06:52 PM on April 04, 2005

Didya hear the Pope died? Now they need a new Pope. The 4 Cardinals who are under 80 will take a vote. But here's the catch: you're not allowed to campaign or promote yourself in any way. That wouldn't be humble. And Popes need to be humble. It's in that same gracious vein that I bring you:

For your protection...
For our protection from potentially devastating lawsuits.
Safety is our first concern.
Protecting ourselves from liability and worker's comp claims is our first concern.
To ensure optimal customer service, your call may be monitored.
To weed out malcontent employees,...
Listen carefully as our menu choices have changed.
Not really, we just deleted the speak with a live human option. Visit our website you louse.
Register contains less than $100. Cashier cannot open safe.
Sure he can. Jump across the counter and shove the barrel of a loaded shotgun down his throat. Watch him fish the key from his pocket.
There is a 1/2 hour wait for a table.
Unless you slip the maitre-d a $20. Watch your table magically appear.
Drink responsibly.
Lucky for the booze companies, we don't. Problem and/or underage drinkers account for half their sales.
Don't provide cigarettes to minors. Visit our website to learn about how to quit smoking.
No, they're not grudgingly complying with the terms of the tobacco settlement while aggressively promoting their wares in third world countries. And I don't suppose they own major stock in Nicorette and those nicotine patch companies either.
To chat with one of our hot, sexy babes, push 2 now.
To argue with a fat, lazy, insolent, indifferent house frau with a mouth full of bon-bons,...
Free to a good home.
Free to any hovel. What, you think they'll do background checks? Hell, they'll give 'em to Korean restaurant owners. Mmmm, cocker spaniel.
To help keep prices down, please...
To increase our obscene profit margins further, we've sloughed our duties off on you. And ha-ha, you don't even mind. Suckers.
$500 under dealer invoice.
Your calls will be answered in the order in which they were received.
There's no one here. Hasn't been for years. We know you'll all hang up in disgust eventually.

Buh-bye JPII.

comments (6)

'We're Being Held Momentarily at this Station"-MTA NYC SUBWAY announcement:
translation: 'We're Being Held Momentarily due to Affirmative Action and the Forced Employment of Insolent CryBaby Incompetent Lazy Fucks at Your Hard Working Expense'.

by Lockheed at April 4, 2005 11:48 PM

That's pretty good. But I don't think its affirmative action so much as wages are so low nobody but fresh immigrants will take a lot of these shit jobs. That and everybody getting kicked off wlefare. And hence we all know what the term "fo-he-to-go" means.

by anna at April 5, 2005 7:38 AM

Are the cardinals going to be holding a Pope Idol competition do you think? I reckon Simon Cowell could give some pointers, maybe we could even get a twenty something female heading the Papal powers that be. :) I'd pray to that.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 5, 2005 11:35 AM

How about elevating one of those Boston child molesters to Pope?

I wonder about the no voting for cardinals over 80. When was that rule made? Seems like back in the day, nobody lived to be 80; and isn't it ageist?

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