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it doesn't make sense i should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown

by mg at 10:15 PM on April 10, 2005

This may come as a surprise to many of you, because it hasnít been in the news much, but last week the pope died.

The cardinals and bishops have donned their robes, hit the pope with a white hammer, rubbed his body with oils, rung bells, burned incense, and done all the other crazy mystical shit that us Catholics apparently feel is necessary to get us closer to god.

Now that all that Harry Potter stuff is over, those same cardinals and bishops will get down to the very worldly a political task of picking a new pope. Throughout history the appointment of a new pope has always been a matter of international intrigue, and this selection shall be no different.

The odds on favorite is an Italian, though there is thought that appointing an African or Latin pope will appeal to places in the world where Catholicism is a burgeoning religion, rather than a dying one. And that is really what will be at the crux of this appointment: how to stem the tide of those fleeing the religion, whether because of sex scandals, or the previous popeís unwillingness to entertain a more modern view of the religion.

But, the truth is picking another pope in the traditional mold, no matter the color of his skin, isnít going to make much of a dent in Catholicismís 20+ years of bad public relations. That is why Iíve decided to offer my guidance to the conclave of cardinals currently preparing to pick a new pope.

Did you know the recently departed popeís real name wasnít John, Paul, or even Ringo, but was actually Karol? One of the requisites of becoming pope is changing your name, and I know no one who has more easily swapped identities as Sean Combs. Puffy has a history of philanthropy, running in the New York Marathon several years ago to raise money for charity. He also has a history of getting in gun fights at nightclubs, and banging Jennifer Lopez. All great reasons for selecting him the new Pope Diddy.

In the United States Catholicism has suffered through nearly a decade of lawsuits accusing priests of touching altar boys on their holy sacraments, and allegations that the church not only knew about it, but helped to cover it up. Being kid toucher is a hard label to shake off, you can believe me on that one. Which is why I say, embrace your boy love Catholic Church and select Michael Jackson as your new pope.

Jacko is a great choice for many reasons. He has plentiful experience in covering up molestation charges. He also has experience wearing bizarre outfits: how difference is the papal robes and pointy hat from a single white-sequenced glove, or Captain Nemo era spaceman uniforms? And while he hasnít had a hit record in the States in three faces, selecting Jackson as pope would have more cache in the third world than electing a black pope.

One of the criticisms of the Catholic Church is theyíve yet to allow women to become priests. To remedy this, Iíd like to suggest a woman as the next pope, but Iím really trying to keep this list as only people I honestly think might be able to get the job, so a dame is really out of the question. While you canít move a mountain in a day (or however that saying might go) we can and should take that first step by selecting Ru Paul as the next pope. For starters, s/he already has ďPaulĒ as part of her/his name. And if any fella is going to be comfortable wearing the papal dress or not being able to marry a woman, it is Ru.

Iím nearing my third decade, but I can still only remember the pope as a doddering old man, but apparently he was a stern authoritarian. I guess youíd have to be to run a trillion dollar empire from your gold encrusted palace. Can you think of anyone who might be looking for work right about now, and has a history of living an extravagant lifestyle while ruling with an iron fist? Thatís right! The next pope should be Pius XIII, formerly know as Saddam Hussein.

As long as no one minds the Vatican invading Florence, or Saddam having his face painted over godís on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, I canít think of a better choice.

comments (9)

Pope Diddy! Heh-heh. The problem with Combs is that he thinks you can nickname yourself. You can't. And choosing him for pope because he banged Lopez is like choosing me for pope because I have posted on this site from time to time. Or something.

by anna at April 11, 2005 7:48 AM

I should be Pope, I have the name for it, wouldn't be the first with my surname sitting on the God-seat either. First thing to go would be that god damn Pope-mobile. Second thing to go would be the sex out of wedlock rule. And the third thing to go... Would be France! When I declare it a nation of heretics and call to arms the many millions of Catholics in the world, a new crusade.

It is its own entity isn't it? The papal state. Why doesn't Italy just shut down all access to it? I mean, what is the Papacy going to do, declare war?

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 11, 2005 12:32 PM

Awesome. You know, RuPaul not only looks like a woman while being a man, he is also black.

I was in Chicago last week and I happened to see a procession on the day of the Pope's funeral. Polish people had gathered in the street with flags and traditional dress. They filled up a large boulevard. The faith of the people I saw was touching.

by jean at April 12, 2005 4:24 AM

when you look to happy at work your boss notises, and its generly not a good thing so with practice it becomes easy to not laugh at othes when they are as fun as this...I see no problem with the idea of invaiding frace but if it means destroing some of the greatest works of art I must disagree....
I think the next pope should be ... Robin Williams.. hey, why not? at least now ther would be a reason to go to church

by Rich at April 12, 2005 4:33 PM

How about the beloved Oprah? Oh wait, she's a chick, isn't she?

by anna at April 12, 2005 6:36 PM

Stop it, you ass. The Pope didn't die. Some things you shouldn't joke about.

by Eviltom at April 12, 2005 8:50 PM

OH WAIT! I just checked the news site... the Pope REALLY did die. People, this is not a joke. The Pope really did die. This is so sad. I am so saddened. I am still mostly in shock. John Paul II is the only Pope I have ever known.

by Eviltom at April 14, 2005 6:45 PM

OK, things are finally sinking in now. Weird.

Anyway, I was doing some more research about this "Pope" thing and overall this "Catholicism" thing. I'm wondering whether it's actually a requisite for a new Pope to change his name. I thought that a new Pope selects a reign name, but that's purely a traditional thing, and not a law of any sort. (Same as how priests not having sex is a matter of tradition, not law.)

So in theory, it's possible for the next Pope to be Pope Francis Arinze, or Pope Scott Peterson, or Pope Ryan Seacrest. Although I hear that Ryan Seacrest is not such a viable option because he's too young; the college of cardinals don't want another long-reigning Pope.

Does anyone want to come to my place to watch the Conclave coverage on CNN?

by Eviltom at April 16, 2005 10:35 AM

Need an old guy? I have two words: POPE BARETTA!

by Robert Blake at April 16, 2005 11:27 AM

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