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Close the door baby, don't say a word

by anna at 06:50 PM on April 07, 2005

As a boy my mom used to pimp out her champion Pomeranian. She'd get a $100 stud fee. She'd send me over to people's houses clutching this yappy little dog. After an exchange of pleasantries, the dogs would go at it as the humans looked on and ooed and aahed. It's so cute! Sometimes a girl I'd dated (and done that same thing with) would be there. Talk about awkward. Other times they'd get stuck and we'd have to pull them apart. But not once did he go for any back door action. He had his 100% insemination rate to think about! Or maybe that really is an unnatural act as religious nuts insist.

You wonder why hetero men choose to BF women. There's obviously wetter, more appealing options available. Perhaps it's a domination thing. Perhaps they just crave variety. But all I know is that I am aware of at least one relationship that soured over the anal issue.

I am also aware that a resident of a group house where I lived was too cheap to buy lubricant. He'd use a stick of butter instead. Afterwards he'd put it back in the fridge. Think about that the next time you're slathering butter across your English muffin.

What is the difference between anal sex with a woman and gay sex with a man?

I've read about young girls who go in for anal or oral but not regular intercourse. Perhaps inspired by Prez Clinton's shenanigans, they figure they are still technical virgins that way. For whatever that status may be worth these days. And they'll dispense a BJ with all the forethought once given to a goodnight smooch.

It's the exact opposite of my 70s and 80s heyday. Back then, all women in relationships would have straight sex with you. But a relative handful went for the other stuff. Oftentimes those favors were reserved for a special occasion like Valentine's Day or your one month anniversary. There was much talk and snickering about swallowers and screamers. Never once did I hear so much as a peep about butt sex. We thought that was just for gay dudes.

comments (10)

Shit covered dick seems unappealing to me...

Other than that, AIG is fucked... I'm surprised I didn't work there.

by Lockheed at April 7, 2005 10:02 PM

I don't think there's really shit in there. Is there?

by anna at April 8, 2005 7:51 AM

Of course there's shit in there. Ask Dominathan.

by Lockheed at April 8, 2005 11:06 PM

Yay, buttsex!

by snaggle at April 9, 2005 1:52 AM

How would he know?

Snaggle, not to get to personal, but have you ever done this deed with a gal?

by anna at April 9, 2005 12:46 PM

Im guessing that Snaggle has never done the deed with a gal (nor would he really want to get that close to a naked female). I think he meant to write, Yay, gaybuttsex!

by Leaffin at April 10, 2005 3:17 PM

Now I've got a new screen name.

But seriously, I'd love to know more about the dynamics of gay sex. With hetero action you pretty much know who's going to do what to whom. How are those decisions made in the gay realm?

by anna at April 11, 2005 7:51 AM

I've often wondered about the pillow talk. What in the nine levels of Hell do gay guys talk about after sex? Is it how they're going to be visiting level eight of the nine levels? Heh. S'like Kevin Smith said, "If a guy blows his load into my mouth, pillow talk is looking like a distant nightmare. What do you have to say to a guy whose blown his load into your mouth? Thanks, maybe?"

You talk about football after sex? Do you spoon? Who gets the male position behind when spooning, if spooning happens, do you gotta flip for it? "Well look, Jim-Bob, I have the larger muscles, I should be the spoon." Heh. Do you swap roles? In the world of straight-chivalry the guys opens the door, the guy gets the remote for the television. "Hey look, you played the dude role last week, now it's my turn to hog the remote." You both cry at chick flicks? Or do you both cough and mutter and act like you're not affected.

Tis a world of weird if you ask me.

Anyhoo, peeps, I'm bugging out. I'm all packed and uh-ready to go to the land of South Africa, watch some Union Rugby, meet some rich folks', I think they're rich, from the pictures I've seen their house is big, they have 'help', which is to say serva... Uh... They have black helpers. I'll be back... Uh... When I'm god damn good and ready. W00t. ;)

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 11, 2005 1:04 PM

Have fun, Crimson!

by jean at April 12, 2005 4:30 AM

I think they have net access in S Africa. Don't be a stranger, you French-bating, work-averse schlub.

by anna at April 12, 2005 7:58 AM

comments are closed