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But the money's no good, and you should know

by anna at 06:37 PM on April 05, 2005

It might surprise some to know that I hold an associate degree in Ecology and Earth Sciences and a BA in Forest Resource Management. When I started school I was one of those stary-eyed eco-nuts who goes backpacking in winter. Boy was I in for surprise.

See, Forest Resource Management is a euphemism for Learning to Be a Brazen Shill for the Timber Industry. We actually had classes in how to deal with pesky environmentalists' questions about the wiseness of clear-cutting vast expanses of virgin forest. It is good for certain forms of vermin, er, wildlife. So is our practice of intentionally lighting fires in forests to eliminate brush lest it rob the crops, er, trees of precious water and nutrients.

Needless to say I was jaded and fed up with the whole thing by my senior year (7 years in the making.) Our re-education was to culminate in this big project where you actually test a hypothesis about growing trees by---shocker---growing trees! A project like that takes a long time. I kept chewing on mushrooms and procrastinating. Before long it was too late to test my theory that the more sand there is in the soil the slower Loblolly pine saplings will grow. I faked all the data and got an A+. The professor asked if he could use my project as an example in the future. I'm like, whatever, just gimme my paper and I'm gone, never to return.

So I graduate with pretty limited options. I painted houses for a while as I mulled my future. I realized I was qualified to be a game warden, which was more in keeping with my original vision. There's a whole process of interviews, essays and finally you go before this panel of judges not unlike American Idol. I performed well and was among the 3 chosen from hundreds of candidates.

They informed me of this and the fact I'd earn $16,000 a year with fringe benefits to include full use of a Jeep. And... a 45. caliber handgun. I'm like, WTF? What do I need that for?

It then dawned on me that for that pittance I'd be confronting poachers out in the middle of nowhere. Poachers are usually drunken rednecks married to their sisters. And by definition, they are armed to the teeth. And they don't feel like going to jail. It's easier to brain the warden and throw his dead ass down a ravine. So I'm thinking, no.

They told me no one had ever gotten that far only to turn them down flat. Turns out my sister's boyfriend owed me thousands (don't ask.) He was the manager of the local office of an insurance claim department. They were paying $16,000 to claim rep trainees and you got a company car. If you disconnected the odometer periodically you got full use of it too. I settled his debt in exchange for a job and a Honda 305 he bought on a whim and never rode.

That was April 5, 1983. I'm still there. He got run off in a sexual harassment scandal.

comments (16)

Insurance... what kind?

I almost took a job at Guy Carpenter(Marsh and Mclellan) as a risk analyst back in 1999, and it was in the Twin Towers...

...Hell, I should've took it!

by Lockheed at April 5, 2005 10:11 PM

It's casualty insurance and no I don't sell it. I deal with catastrophic work injuries. M/M is just Marsh now and they are in a world of shit. I don't understand the details but they were up to no good.

by anna at April 6, 2005 7:39 AM

I'm still sitting at my first job out of college. It's a good job, but it's been five years. I feel like the longer I sit here, the less likely I am to get hired somewhere else.

by MrBlank at April 6, 2005 9:35 AM

What happens is, they keep paying you more and more and you keep buying more expensive shit so you need your whole salary to live. This continues until you're trapped by your salary. No other company is will to take a chance on an unknown commodity. They won't match it, so you won't leave. A vicious cycle, it is.

by anna at April 6, 2005 6:24 PM

Must be different your end. Here the longer you hold down a job the more likely another company is to take you on should you leave for whatever reason. In my case however, interviews are spent explaining why I left so many jobs so quickly, and each time I have to conjure elaborate lies, and cross my fingers and hope they don't check with a previous employer to see if they are, in fact, still in business, and not, as I spent a good fifteen minutes explaining, bankrupt and washed up, having laid me off as the company died.

I get bored extremely quickly, and knowing as I do that I can fall back on somebody else’s money... I usually quit... Usually = constantly. That and office girls shouldn't be so damned... Sexy! Half the time they’ve quit and I continue working there, or they stay and I leave, only had one where we've both stayed, and that was just weird, I don't think I quit that one, I just stopped going after a while, and they called me up to tell me I'd been fired, and I said: "Thanks." I repeat that several times some nights when I can't sleep and it just pops into my head. "Thanks! You said thanks!?"

Some Personnel Dept Chick: "Don't bother coming in, you're clearly not paying attention to the hours you're employed to work. You're fired!"

Me: "Okay… Thanks."

lol… First thing that came to mind. I think I just wanted to get back to watching Samurai Jack at the time… heh.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 6, 2005 7:04 PM

That's awesome Crimson...

I fuck up alot too.

by Lockheed at April 6, 2005 11:47 PM

My dread is that at some point I may have to do a job interview, which I've never done. Well, there was that one time I applied for a managerial job at my company and interviewed with people I'd known for 10 years. Kind of a joke.

by anna at April 7, 2005 7:48 AM

That sounded really weird reading it back. Sounded like I'm some kind of bounder, harassing women at every stop until they leave their jobs, heh heh. Not so. After consensual sex with a work colleague, work just isn't the same place. Fairly early on when the rumours start flying around, I'm generally out of luck with any of the other workers, and she is labelled with titles worse than those I sport, I kinda like mine. There should be more Leaffin types working the offices of England, take the titles on the chin and carry on having a straight old time. It’d be kooky.

The only times I have held down a job for a long period, is when there were no women around, or when I have to do so little work, it isn't work, it's time away from home. But even those easy lay back and do nothin' jobs grate me, you can only do nothing in one drab place for so long before you're going mental... I was born to be extremely wealthy I think, idle, and uh... extremely wealthy. So send money now for the Crimson Cause 2005, and buy piece of mind! If not, you're forcing me down the rich old lonely lady road... Aye. *shudder* That or I have to wait on granddads’ imminent doom, and pray that I kissed butt better than the rest of the family to slide into that money. My dad has fairly comprehensive life insurance… Hmm… *has Jackie Collins devise a plot to murder family members, which will have him sleeping with lots of different people, and drinking lots of water, for stamina and dammit, cos water is good*

"The name's Crimson, Ex... Crimson."

"Drink sir?"

"Water, bottled, not tap."

My Bond impersonation for the day.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 7, 2005 9:32 AM

It's not half as bad as when rumors start flying about non-consensual sex you've had with coworkers. Might you explain the origin of your screen name?

by anna at April 7, 2005 6:34 PM

I was blissfully resting my chin in my hand, between cigarette puffs, leaning a little too close to my monitor going through e-mails, and leaving dodgy websites behind, and then popped in here. You forced a half cough, snort-type laugh from me which actually hurt, I'm gonna burp in three days time and the smoke lost in my lungs tonight will re-emerge, very cool.

My screen name is derived from something that represents what was probably the most innocent stage of my life, before adulthood hit and forced innocence to become something I had to consciously choose to be, or not… Heh heh. That made sense. "Go JOE! Gee Eyeeeeee Joooeeeeee. Dakka dakka dakka, pitoo, ratatata!"

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 7, 2005 6:58 PM

Glad I could be of service, I guess. But I can't make any sense of your explanation. Were you like ex-military or something?

by anna at April 7, 2005 8:39 PM

¨There should be more Leaffin types working the offices of England, take the titles on the chin and carry on having a straight old time. It’d be kooky.¨

Sorry, my british is a bit rusty. Is that a compliment? What does that mean?

Once again, 2 countries divided by a common language. Or however that goes.

by leaffin at April 8, 2005 3:23 PM

I think he means you are carefree and comfortable with your erotic side, and that's a good thing.

by anna at April 8, 2005 6:09 PM

Yeah that's sort of what I meant. Some women just can't take having other people talk about their sex lives. Office natter consists of: "Did you know those two slept together?" Which doesn't really bother me. I dunno, maybe they don't like it because I'm an ugly cunt and they'd sooner other people not know that they'd slept with me, bwahah, or perhaps it's because they don't get taken quite as seriously as they'd like when all and everyone at the office knows they have an active sex life? I don't know. But it is weird talking business to somebody you've had sex with, especially when they're in a position of authority over you... Good to get out and quit with the vividly good memories of her intact, before she starts getting dramatic about irrelvent shit, like, "You haven't done even half of what I've asked. Just because we had sex doesn't mean you can stop doing what I ask of you, you don't get special treatment."

"No, I didn't do it because I'm a lazy bugger, I was lazy before we had sex, I'm just not lazy during. Stop being dramatic."

That or they do the thing were they grab the nearest 'other guy', and expect you to get jealous or upset when they have him march around in front of you, and talk overly loud about their plans for the weekend. All the while you're too busy wondering why she's making the effort, when you've already gotten what you wanted from her in the first place, and whoever she's bedding these days, to your mind, is not getting something you haven't already had, so, all power to him.

Oh Anna, and uh, ex military, no. Ex action figure player-wither... Yes. GI JOE? Go Joe? No? ... Bah!

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at April 11, 2005 12:48 PM

My guess is that he gets his screen name from the line of GI Joe toys of the same name:



by chuckwoolery at April 11, 2005 12:56 PM

My advice is to avoid sex in the workplace whenever possible. There's one ex at my office remaining. This goes back, say, 20 years. We pass in the halls and I always remember her dripping with sarcasm, among other things:

Me: (crotch to face, pumping) You like that?
Her: (muffled) Oh, it's wonderful.

by anna at April 12, 2005 6:42 PM

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