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Some people call me Maurice

by anna at 07:05 PM on February 01, 2005

Cuz I speak of the pompetus of love. What is pompetus?

But here in the vapors I'm known as Anna. In the brick 'n mortar realm they call me Russell. At home I have 2 email acounts. Each has its own screen name and password. My debit card requires a 4 digit PIN. Sometimes Movable Type makes me present a logon name and password. That's when I've got to email MG. I've got accounts all over the net, none of which I can access for lack of proper ID.

At work my voice mail has a password that must be 7 characters long with one number and two caps. Same goes for my logon password. Both of which must be updated monthly. Every time I go to change it the system locks me out like an unwanted dog. I've run out of six letter names of people I've known. And that's not the half of it. We have separate systems to pay lawyers, doctors and other vendors. Each has its own password and logon name rules. I've got so many logon names I feel like I am The Three Faces of Eve.

I struggle mightily to keep track of it all, but since I use these systems constantly and a lot of the things can be synchronized, it's okay. But there's also myriad company websites for everything from checking out your benefits to managing your 401k account. I seldom use these, so every time it's time to click "lost your password." And wait for that ding of the email. That is, assuming I remember which of my company IDs or logon names I'm supposed to use there. Otherwise, it's no dice.

The sites I access least have to do with big blocs of stock options the company gave me in lieu of pay years ago. They've proven quite lucrative the few times I've successfully run the website gauntlet and actually exercised them. I'm legendary at my office for having done this. Coworkers come to me when they've mustered the bravery to try it. Alas, they never know enough about their logon/trading names or passwords to exercise the paltry options the company gives to all employees. Maybe one day they will.

I use the option proceeds to finance my son's college. I purposefully didn't exercise any of the 900 I hold last year as I didn't want to hire another accountant to sort it all out come tax time. But I have watched the stock slowly inching up. With 4 years left till college starts, I figure I need to get cracking. Unfortunately the logon name, trading name, PIN and password I scrawled on a post-it appear to have expired. Access denied! Come back tomorrow with the wicked witch's broom. Oz has spoken.

Oh sure, I could call the broker and try to get new ones. But then I'd have to deal with the voice mail maze whose options have changed (please listen carefully!) and accept that my call will be recorded for quality assurance purposes and give the last 4 digits of my social and my mom's maiden name and firstborn son. The mere thought of which is so daunting it makes me cringe and crave hard liquor or crack.

Come to find out from TV that this account should be a deduction, not treated as income. I'm saving for muh boy's college and the government thinks that is admirable. Where do I turn to find out how to have the account I can't access changed to a education-savings account? I dunno. I've been listening to smooth jazz on hold for an hour as I wait to find out. On my other shoulder I've got my cell, trying to reach my mom to get her maiden name. She won't check her email as she lost her password. Arrrgghh!!!

This modern world is sucking the very life out of me. I want to go live the carefree beach life in Nicaragua like Leaffin. Mmmm, Margaritas.

comments (12)

I don't mean to undermine the concepts and meaning behind the entire post, only to concentrate on one aspect.... but could you define The Three Faces of Eve?

Curiosity has taken hold.

by dominathan at February 1, 2005 7:17 PM

The only thing I can imagine worse than doing your taxes (just finished mine) is doing taxes while listening to smooth jazz. The devils music, that.

by mg at February 1, 2005 7:41 PM

Don't worry Nathan, you're comment chum in a comment-hungry school of sharks. Eve was a 50's movie about a girl with multiple personalities.

I have a theory about smooth jazz and really jazz in general. Those cats are so stoned that they figured they'd play whatever notes popped into their addled brains and call it improvisational. I hate jazz.

As for the tax thing, i'm expecting a much-needed windfall this year. But I can't cash it in till I straighten out this stock option thing. I think they fleeced me the last few years. Hence the smooth jazz.

by Anna at February 1, 2005 8:58 PM

Hmmm.... Anna, do you work for AIG?

Had a lousy interview with DE Shaw. I feel like the guy in platoon who was told, "You're staying for second platoon." I really feel like that.

I guess 'thankfully', I'm wed to a lady who cannot give birth. Therefore I have two imaginary children. So I figure I'm about $240,000 richer without the dual college educations.

by Lockheed at February 2, 2005 4:14 AM

You could adopt. But seriously the college ed thing hangs over my head like the sword of Domoclese and I just don' know what to do about it. And no I don't work for AIG but sometimes I feel like I do the way they are always ordering me around.

by Anna at February 2, 2005 7:46 AM

Nothing quite like taxes to make you want to be young again. You can stick knives in the toaster to retrieve wedged bread, without fear of a screaming adult pulling your hands away, cos you're an adult now! You can answer your door and stick two fingers up at whoever is knocking without saying a word, only to slam the door, your door, cos you're an adult now. You can answer your telephone with the word, "What?" And even if it's the Prime Minister congratulating you on your Highest Marked Pissing Height Record you don't have to apologise for answering the phone in that manner, cos it's your phone, and you're an adult now.

But you can't ignore your taxes, cos you get shafted. The slogan on the advertisement for the tax forms sent out here is: "Tax doesn't have to be taxing." They don't make audible the little small print text on the same advert saying: "You'll get shafted if you ignore this!"

I hate doing it, I get stressed, and there is no worse feeling. Nor anything else, for me anyway, that stressess me out.

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at February 2, 2005 8:57 AM

Anna: I use a varriation of the same password for everything, only, the password is chaned slightly to be relevant to the place I'm using it. For example: on Amazon.com my password might be something like "amazon123.com." For Barnes and Noble (BN.com) it might be something like "bn123.com." Easy to remember. Usually.

This year taxes were made bearable when I found out I'm getting back nearly a months salary. Having a kid sure pays off for something.

by mg at February 2, 2005 12:58 PM

That's not a bad idea, and it's what the techies I torment monthly tell me to do: "You need to work out a system." Which I could do if they didn't have all these inane rules about the configuration. Before I used to start with my 1st GF and then proceed through them all.

Taxes. Bah. I don't even want to think about that. I wish they'd just raise the sales tax on everything and be done with it. I'll probably get a hefty refund too. Then I'll wait for the car or appliance or whatever to break down and snatch my windfall away. Never fails.

by Anna at February 2, 2005 6:14 PM

I've got a problem with this miniature bread. You try to put the full-sized meat on there but then it hangs off the edges so you try to fold it but then it breaks and then it's... this. And I don't want this.

by Nigel at February 2, 2005 7:39 PM

On the other hand if you simply fold the meat over you get twice as much in every bite. Just like a flavour explosion.

by dominathan at February 3, 2005 9:06 AM

I have a file cabnet of print outs for ID and passwords starting from 1997 to 2005. I have it orginized like a library.

Try doing the same.

Plus, papers you don't need anymore... Light em up like da pyro you are.

by Patrick at February 4, 2005 5:10 AM

Man if I could get that organized I'd be frightening. I'd alphabetize my spice rack.

by Anna at February 4, 2005 7:19 AM

comments are closed