With "Hurricane Jeanne" downgraded to "Slightly Overcast with a 60% Chance of Rain Jeanne" and now meandering her way up the Atlantic Seaboard, the people of Florida can finally breathe a sigh of relief. That would probably sound (or look) something like this: “Ahhhhhhhhhh” only slightly moister.
Despite the fact that hurricane season is only half over, this has already been the busiest hurricane in all of recorded history. I may not have the facts straight, so that could be a total lie, but it sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? This has been the busiest, and most damaging, hurricane season in all of recorded history.
Tropical Storm Lisa has reared her soggy head, but doesn’t look like she’ll be much problem. At this rate, we’ll run out of the alphabet before we run out of weather conditions. I hate to admit it, but I’m looking forward to more hurricanes, just to see what the weather geeks come up with for “Q”, “X”, and “Z.” Wouldn’t it kind of kick ass to get your ass kicked by Xena: Hurricane Princess?
The people of Florida and the Caribbean have already lived through (or not, as the case may be) four hurricanes in the past two months. First there was Charley, then Frances, Ivan, and finally Jeanne. What makes it worse is that just as things start to get back to normal and BAM! another frickin’ hurricane. People have been evacuated and re-evacuated from their homes. Just think about this: They’ve had to reschedule two Miami Dolphins games. Two! And it is only the third week of the NFL season.
Think about this as well, there who have been without power since the first hurricane hit. As hard as it may be to comprehend this kind of loss, these unfortunate souls have missed the entire new Fall TV schedule. They’ve never seen Joey or The Benefactor. They have forever lost the chance to find out who is Donald Trump’s new Omarosa.
There are some people calling this hurricane season divine retribution for Florida’s role in the 2000 presidential election, but for on thing, I’m pretty sure the people of Haiti don’t vote in our presidential elections. And, if you really think God is personally involved in earthly elections, you’d have to imagine the big guy would be able to pull off a little rain sooner than three years after the fact. Sure they were in servitude for generations, but when those Hebrews needed a sea parted for them, God was there - he didn’t cause decades of drought until finally the sea went and dried up, and I don’t think it’d take him three years to whip up four hurricanes, no matter what class they are.
Besides, we all know God is on George Bush’s side. So, if anything, God orchestrated this to thin out the herd of Social Security and Medicare recipients who make Florida their home. Who needs Social Security reform or universal healthcare if you just kill off all the recipients? And what sneakier way to do it than using a “natural” disaster. This sounds to me like a case for CSI:Miami, but the case better be air tight, because I’m guessing God can find himself a pretty good lawyer.
The business of naming hurricanes is fascinating. I mean, first of all, we are talking about a storm in the end. And who makes the final decision? What if they get to S and one guy wants it to be Sally and the other wants it to be Sarah?
On the other hand: You really should try it.
I have lots of great stories to tell you about vanishing hitchhikers
and bloody hooks
and exploding whales
and gun-toting grannies
and hairy-armed hitchhikers
and murdered roommates._
by anna at September 28, 2004 9:40 AM
MG- masterful, classic MG post. (You make me proud, you little homo, you.)
by Eviltom at September 28, 2004 12:26 PM
Rock you Like a Hurricane - Scorpions
Your link no worky.
by MrBlank at September 29, 2004 5:01 PM
Well that's what was there before, I swear. There was no map of Florida, just those words.
by anna at September 29, 2004 5:59 PM
Man, that is the second link I've flubbed in the last two days. What happened to me? I used to be such an HTML-monkey... so sad.
by mg at September 29, 2004 9:18 PM
I think that you have it all wrong. You see my cat Dippers is god. And i am her Pope! So deal with it cuz Ur god is not the right god for Dippers is the right God so in ur face i'm the pope!
by The Pope at December 19, 2004 10:19 PM
Hey now mr/ Pop i am UR MOMMA and i think that your completly right and that these peep have no idea the immense power of you cat. ROCK ON DIPPERS YOU FUCING RULE!
by Ur momma at December 19, 2004 10:22 PM
DOOD I AM SO HIGH BUT DIPPERS IS STILL GOD EVEN THOUGH I SMOKE WEED I AM RIGHT!!
by I am high at December 19, 2004 10:23 PM
Whoa man...I have believed Dippers is god all of my life. The Pope, I pledge my life to you and if you need so i shall gather a great army with which to take over the world in the name of DIPPERS THE GODDESS KITTY.
by Dippers' Follower at January 15, 2005 7:27 PM
Yay i am glad that you know that my kitty is god. Good job you psychos.
by The Pope at February 6, 2005 12:44 AM