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anna

The killer in you is the killer in me

by anna at 01:09 PM on May 31, 2004

As I toil away in my wallpaper removal hell, my thoughts turn to---of all things---Kurt Cobain. Yes, the lugubrious, striny-haired waif who once fronted Nirvana. And yes, it's such slow going that I am pitying myself ala Cobain, the millionaire musician who was married to a hot rock chick and yet supposedly blew his brains out over a persistent tummyache or something.

Lugubrious is a word you hardly ever see outside music reviews. But it suits Cobain and his lyrics to a tee. As I understand the term, it means morose and self-absorbed to such a degree that it becomes absurd. I think it describes much of today's music, which Cobain helped to spawn back in his day.

My daughter used to have a copy of his "suicide note" taped to her wall. In it, ol' Kurt goes into some detail about what was stuck in his craw. One of the things that irked him so was that when he took the stage he longer felt like Freddy Mercury did. Cobain ever feeling like the flamboyant, devil-may-care Queen frontman is something I can't fathom.

Though this guy did have it all: fame, fortune, creativity and even a new daughter who is currently the subject of a bitter custody dispute. Assuming he really did, which many people doubt, why would he cash in his chips? And why in such a violent and messy way? He could afford all the pure China White he could cram into a needle. Why wouldn't he have OD-ed? It just doesn't add up. (Interestingly it wasn't long before his grieving widow was seen jet-setting around the planet on the arm of actor Ed Norton among others.)

I guess I just don't understand depression and suicide too well. I feel so blessed to have a decent, fulfilling job, a lovely devoted wife, a cool kid, hairy nuts and now this home that I just can't imagine how others who are just as fortunate or more go around feeling so bad all the time. Now people who are lonely, destitute, diseased, in legal trouble or whatever, I understand that. But Kurt Cobain? Freddie Prinze Sr? Jim Morrison?

What gives here?

comments (11)

There but for the grace of God (whichever type you do or don't believe in) go you, Anna. You're lucky. Depressed and non-depressed people speak two different languages that only sound the same. It's hard to explain it. I've been depressed, been hospitalized and medicated for it. I can try to tell you what I can. But oddly enough, the non-depressed are often very defensive about the whole topic.

by jean at June 1, 2004 3:14 AM


Don't I know it. Actually, I have been very depressed at times but it was due to specific life events. My point is that at least on the surface, these folks seemed to have everything going for them.

by anna at June 1, 2004 7:47 AM


No amount of money, fame, normalcy, children, or drugs could ever fill the void that was Kurt Cobain. He was a suicide waiting to happen. I was with you for a while Anna. I was pissed that this whining little fucker had everything a person who picks up a musical instrument covets, no one will ever hear my songs in an arena, and he throws it all away. I think he didn't OD because that is what everyone expected. This guy was wounded by whatever it was he couldn't handle, heroin maybe?, and decided death was better. I still think it was a cop out though.

by Ezy at June 1, 2004 10:21 AM


Some people have little or no expectations of themselves. Without this pressure - they may be content. Some people struggle under the weight of their own expectations, and they weave in and out of happiness as their actions contrast with their view of themselves. Some people live under a set of high expectations for themselves, succeed, and then find themselves living under the expectations of all those who enjoy their success. Once you're on stage, everyone expects something from you. While it's thrilling to be in the limelight, it can also be crushing when the source of the "deliverable" is uncertain. For instance, maybe you can't just write songs on demand - yet everyone expects you to produce. Everyone expects you to be happy. Everyone wants something from you. Quite often with success, the chance to relax and enjoy it does not come. Rather, the pressure to keep producing, keep competing, keep moving forward, is simply that much greater. If it took everything in you to get to that point, and contrary to what you thought, the race isn't over - it's just beginning - some people will be eaten alive by their self doubt. Others know how to pace themselves for the long haul. But none of us really knows how anyone feels inside. Liquid oxygen and liquid hydrogen combine to form water - and propel rockets into outerspace. High expectations and self criticism drive people to excel. But in each case, without control, the results can be catastrophic.

by chris at June 1, 2004 3:16 PM


Thanks for the insight. Let me add that as a musician ans songwriter, this guy was peerless. My personal opinion is that, aside from what Chris said, is that his crazy bitch of a wife drove him to it if she didn't kill him herself. Great role model for Frances Bean, no?

by anna at June 1, 2004 6:12 PM


Anna, I believe that Courtney Love could drive anyone batshit. That chick is nuts. I read an article, in Rolling Stone, on her and she's certifiable. I would've probably off'd myself too if I was Kurt.

by Ezy at June 2, 2004 10:49 AM


CORRECTION: Ms. Love wasn't hot. Maybe after riding Kurt's fame long enough to pull in enough money for extensive plastic surgery, which unfortunately for him, was long after his shotgun incident, but not before.

by matt at June 10, 2004 10:18 PM


Look, I've been mourning for him for 11 years now..I just can't seem to get over the pain...Especially since all I've read ald all I knoow about Kurt drives me to the conclusion that he didn't commit suicide...You can tell me I'm wrong, but I can feel it...there are4 so many things...Never mind about that now. He wanted to leave, yes, but to leave the music stage and to leave Courtney, not to leave life altogether!!

by Elena at May 5, 2005 10:48 AM


As one of my greatest influences in the way I write, I revere Cobain as a godly rock icon. Now, depressed, indeed he was, because he was stuck in a situation that he wanted no part of, when he was supposed to headline Lolapallooza, the very first one, he decided that he had made it too big, he told Courtney that he wasn't going to do it, it was like....a multimillion dollar deal, and we all know the money hungry Courtney was not going to allow that to happen, so basicly Kurt did run away, he was also afraid that somone was after him, he had confided to close friends about this numerous times, he felt as if somone was always following him, Courtney love is even said to have tried to conspire with an obsecure death metal front man, the likes of this man belived in open rape, torture sodomy and was an extreme racist, to kill her husband for a sum amount of 50,000 dollars, now kurt always had guns, he grew up in the boonies for christs sake, what redneck dosnt own one right? well courtney was a heroin junkie as bad as kurt, but her reasons were much more grey then kurts, well she was angry at her husband, so like any good strung out wife, she decides to play some mind games, telling people he is suicidal among other things, this prompts his guns to be taken away, now kurt already suspicous that courtney is up to no good, is mad, he breaks out of his rehab to go home, on the way he purcashes his rifle becase, again he confides in friends that he's afraid, well....when they find kurt he has no head left, he is still wearing his converse air shoes, and if you dont know....it was "said" he used his toes, also to note, the gunshot wound was said to be at the side of his head, is this just a mistype of some sort on the police reports? a full lenghty rifle.....side of the head....suicide........well now therse another debate, also the amount of heorin found in kurts blood stream was more then...dont curcify me if im wrong but...6 times? the letal dose? so, did he die from an overdose first? needless to say, he wouldn't have been able to do much except be commatose after that much heorin regardless how much of a tollerance he had, he would be too high to kill himself, then we go back to courtney love, who's drummer died....amazingly, the very next month, of.....a massive heroin overdose.....HMMMMM i think a big rich rock star would know how to limit there heroin use....not to mention....this said drummer was allegdy quitting the band Hole, as she didn't feel it was her anymore......SO, 2 of courtneys contacts dies in a span of a month, both involving heroin.......hmmm......both of them said they no longer want to be part of there band's respectfully....hmmmmm...well well, we seem to have us here a little controversy, will the truth ever come out, probably not, but in my eyes, kurt will forever live on in my heart, and i will never forget that grimy haired grunge king that totatly changed my life.........

(do a google search on tom grant for more info on my comments above)

by Anthony at August 15, 2005 11:31 PM


As one of my greatest influences in the way I write, I revere Cobain as a godly rock icon. Now, depressed, indeed he was, because he was stuck in a situation that he wanted no part of, when he was supposed to headline Lolapallooza, the very first one, he decided that he had made it too big, he told Courtney that he wasn't going to do it, it was like....a multimillion dollar deal, and we all know the money hungry Courtney was not going to allow that to happen, so basicly Kurt did run away, he was also afraid that somone was after him, he had confided to close friends about this numerous times, he felt as if somone was always following him, Courtney love is even said to have tried to conspire with an obsecure death metal front man, the likes of this man belived in open rape, torture sodomy and was an extreme racist, to kill her husband for a sum amount of 50,000 dollars, now kurt always had guns, he grew up in the boonies for christs sake, what redneck dosnt own one right? well courtney was a heroin junkie as bad as kurt, but her reasons were much more grey then kurts, well she was angry at her husband, so like any good strung out wife, she decides to play some mind games, telling people he is suicidal among other things, this prompts his guns to be taken away, now kurt already suspicous that courtney is up to no good, is mad, he breaks out of his rehab to go home, on the way he purcashes his rifle becase, again he confides in friends that he's afraid, well....when they find kurt he has no head left, he is still wearing his converse air shoes, and if you dont know....it was "said" he used his toes, also to note, the gunshot wound was said to be at the side of his head, is this just a mistype of some sort on the police reports? a full lenghty rifle.....side of the head....suicide........well now therse another debate, also the amount of heorin found in kurts blood stream was more then...dont curcify me if im wrong but...6 times? the letal dose? so, did he die from an overdose first? needless to say, he wouldn't have been able to do much except be commatose after that much heorin regardless how much of a tollerance he had, he would be too high to kill himself, then we go back to courtney love, who's drummer died....amazingly, the very next month, of.....a massive heroin overdose.....HMMMMM i think a big rich rock star would know how to limit there heroin use....not to mention....this said drummer was allegdy quitting the band Hole, as she didn't feel it was her anymore......SO, 2 of courtneys contacts dies in a span of a month, both involving heroin.......hmmm......both of them said they no longer want to be part of there band's respectfully....hmmmmm...well well, we seem to have us here a little controversy, will the truth ever come out, probably not, but in my eyes, kurt will forever live on in my heart, and i will never forget that grimy haired grunge king that totatly changed my life.........

(do a google search on tom grant for more info on my comments above)

by Anthony at August 15, 2005 11:32 PM


the lights did go out,we were there then,he entertained us

by ithinkimdumb at October 2, 2006 1:35 PM



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