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i'm sorry, but i'm not sorry

by lizard at 09:05 PM on May 04, 2004

when i started posting at bad sam, i was guest columnist, because i was very, very good at hounding mg till he realized giving me a column was the only way to shut me up. still, i wanted to be a real author, so i put extra effort into being the baddest samaritan i could be, by writing the worst how-to advice i could write: over the months, i instructed folks on the finer points of being a crazy catperson, getting drunk, and swimming in shark infested waters; however as it turns out, the single most dangerous column i ever wrote involved the decision to wear shorts (or NOT wear them). someone could put an eye out! or worse. much, much worse.

those columns were callous, insulting, and downright offensive; this was terribly difficult for me, because in real life i'm a sweet mild-mannered simpering wimpy lump of political correctness. couldn't offend a fly. not even a little baby fly, a little innocent baby fly.

looking back at those early columns, even a pansy-ass liberal goody-goody like myself can recognize the humor, or at least the attempt to be humorous. and even a pansy-ass can make the hurt/laughter connection, and adjust his or her reaction accordingly. however, a couple of links down the food chain from the pansy-ass liberal, we find the humorless pansy-ass spelling-challenged whiner psycho, someone like commenter laura, who takes me to task for my 'how to: determine if you should wear shorts' column:

Its (sic) cruel people like you who make the world a little bit more screwed up every day. Because of people like you careing (sic) so much and making fun of other people, others get hurt. What if... someone like you makes a comment to someone else who isnt (sic) all so perfect in the worlds (sic) mind, and that victim gets hurt? How would you feel if *you* were the reason behind the reason that some poor girl is sitting in a hospital right now because everyone cared about what she looked like that it drove her crazy. Every day, she would throw up everything she ate. Just so she wouldnt (sic) be critisized (sic) by someone like you. She threw up so much that she started losing her hair, fainting, and one day this girl had a heart attack and died. What if you became the reason why a 17yr old girl died?

now, this is serious criticism, and i am certainly not taking it lightly. laura, i've thought long and hard about the possibility that my column might be the "the reason behind the reason" behind some poor girl's fatal bout of bulimia, and i have two words for you: natural selection. when those sink in, i have three more: get some therapy.

comments (6)

Or, "Think Of It As Evolution In Action"

by Philville at May 5, 2004 12:06 AM

I am reminded of an entry on Am I Annoying.com. On the assets side, of one celeb, perhaps Calista Flockhart, they put "doesn't take up much space." That is Laura.

by anna at May 5, 2004 7:47 AM

What does that even mean??

Reason behind the reason. I bet Laura was feeling pretty profound. But you, Liz! You terrible, evil Darwinist! You are killing media-obsessed children of rain-thin socialytes... it's you! It's you!

by Linz at May 5, 2004 8:46 AM

my only regret is not killing them fast enough. oh wait. did i say that out loud?

by liizard at May 5, 2004 11:15 AM

Techically you didn't.

But I laughed all the same.

by lajoie at May 5, 2004 11:44 AM

If I let every negative comment get me down, I'd... well, I'd be down an awful lot. You have to let comments from people like that slide off you, or just make fun of their mothers.

by mg at May 6, 2004 9:18 AM

comments are closed