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bad advice: the return

by mg at 12:50 PM on April 01, 2004

Back in the day, this site had a helpful regular feature called Bad Advice. I solicited questions from people who read the site, and then provided them with ridiculously bad advice. I’ve not written a stich of bad advice in over a year, yet I still get regular questions. It is negligent of me to receive these emails and do nothing about it. There are people out there that need help getting even with ex-girlfriends, are searching for reasons to stay alive, or deciding whether or not to have sex for the first time, and they’ve come to me as their last resort for comfort, and I’ve ignored them. This makes me feel horrible. Well, not so much horrible as completely indifferent. Still, in honor of April Fool’s day, here are several examples of bad advice to some very real questions.

Tommy asks:
Do condoms work in the shower? I want to know because I would not want to have a baby right now. Please tell me if it is ok to have sex with a condom in the shower. Will the condom still work?

If you've seen Fight Club you must know that one of the main ingredients in soap is fat. What you may not know is that one of the other ingredients in soap is Lye. Lye is a chemical that is 99% effective in killing sperm. So the shower is actually the best place to have sex, even without a condom. All you have to do is soap up yourself and your partner real well, which in and of itself can be a sensual experience!

Even better, you should use straight lye. Go to your local store, the lye should be near the drain openers like Liquid Plumber. If you can't find it in the grocery store, try a hardware store. When you get home, just rub lye on you and your partner's genitals, hop in the shower, and let the pleasure begin!

Vickie asks:
i think i have herpies but im afraid to tell my mom or dad and especailly my doctor!!!! what should i do?

The great thing about herpes is that if you don't want to tell anyone you have it, all you have to do is wait a couple weeks and the sores all over your body will do the talking for you.

If you don't want to wait that long, here is another solution. You're probably afraid to tell your parents because then you'll have to get into the whole "sex" discussion. And seriously, there is nothing more uncomfortable than talking about sex with your parents than actually having sex with your parents. How can you tell them in a way that won’t necessitate the "sex" talk? Have something other than sex to blame it on.

Here is what you do: wait until your entire family is out of the house. Sneak into your parent's bedroom, open their dresser drawers and rub your infected area against every pair of your father's underwear. Remember to rub yourself against the inside of his underwear, because unless he puts them on inside out you'll have completely wasted your time. Do your parents use sex toys? If so, find your mother's vibrator or dildo and insert it in your no-no spot. In a few days, your parents will be coming down with a case of herpes themselves.

This still may not be enough. If it is just your parents with Herpes, they may too be too shy to mention it in front of the entire family. How do we solve this problem? Well, if the entire family comes down with Herpes this is surely not some sexually related outbreak, but maybe dirty toilets, or something.

Speaking of toilets, the best way to ensure a house-wide outbreak is to rub your Herpes sores all over each toilet seat in the house. Then, sneak into the bedroom of everyone that lives in your house, brothers, sisters, uncles, and grandparents. Again, rub your Herpes sores against each pair of their underwear. If your sores are already starting to get pussy, you should pierce the sores and squirt out a little puss into each pair.

Now, all you have to do is wait. The whole "Mom, Dad, I've got Herpes" conversation will go much easier if you can amend it with the phrase "but so does grandma."

Sarrouna asks:
I am feeling shy to ask this, but I wonder if you can help me in this: my boyfriend is asking me to practice sex together before getting married, but I am feeling afraid of this as I don't know much more about sex and how we should make it, and I am afraid to tell him this because I love him and love to be with him always. can you please illustrate to me

Awh, isn't that cute!

There is a saying that the only way to Carnegie Hall is practice. The only way to get to mind-blowing sex, is... yes, you guessed it, turning to a life of prostitution. Now, I'm not suggestion you run right out to the red-light district and start whoring yourself out. First, you and your boyfriend should make hot monkey love. If you really do love each, than it can't be wrong. If I'm guessing correctly, you are both relatively young, he should want, and be able to "perform" often. It probably won’t last very long, which is why you should let him do it whenever he wants. Remember, the only way to get good at something is to do it often. Now, even the libido of a teenage boy is probably not going to prepare you for making good sex. So, you should start letting his friends have sex with you too. Remember, you are doing this for him, so if you truly love him, it can't be wrong.

Unfortunately, you can only get good at something by doing it with someone with experience. And while teenage boys certainly have experience, they likely aren't very good. You need to look for older, more experienced partners. Your father's friends would be a good place to start. Sorry to say, but as men get older their refractory period increases, and they aren’t as able to practice as often. This means you will have to find more partners to practice with, several each day. Think of your boyfriend, and how happy he will be to know how much you are practicing the sex for him. If you two truly love each other, this can’t be wrong.

Eventually, you will run out of partners, or maybe their wives will get upset and not let you play together anymore. Now, this is where the prostitution comes in. There is another saying that nothing good is free. If you want to really get good at making the sex for your boyfriend, then you have to start charging people it. How happy will your boyfriend be that you are having sex for money! If not, he never really loved you, but at least you’ve made some cash, and have begun a rewarding career in a particularly tough job market.

comments (15)

I hope you are not trying to lighten it up here, like Anna! *looks sternly at both of you*

Oh god, these were hilarious. I've missed Bad Advice. But please, no more mention of finding Mom's sex toys. It hits too close to home. *shudder*

p.s. It's pus, not "puss." Jesus.
p.p.s. This post was a good way to reclaim the surveillance by local law enforcement that you've been missing.

by Linz at April 1, 2004 1:41 PM

Believe it or not, but "pus" has never been a word I've had to spell before. Probably.

As for surveillance, that has always been my mission. But wait, do you suppose this website might hurt my ability to get hired by the CIA?

by mg at April 1, 2004 1:58 PM

I think it might be important to document the fact that when I read this: "rub your infected area against every pair of your father's underwear,"
I was arrested with a fit of laughter so potent it formed a snot bubble.

Why my snot bubbles won't float like soap bubbles, I'll never know....

by lajoie at April 1, 2004 2:47 PM

Absolutely hilarious MG. I laughed out loud. No snot bubbles though ;-)

by Ezy at April 1, 2004 3:33 PM

2 things: First, you mentioned condoms. Did you know that for each lambskin one it takes an entire lamb? For an orgy you'd need, like, a flock. Second, I now have my new screen name: Sores Get Pussy. Email me there. LOL, MG.

by anna at April 1, 2004 6:38 PM

Where is the "bad" in bad advice?

by Eviltom at April 1, 2004 7:31 PM

Right around "Back in the day"

by Ezy at April 2, 2004 6:59 AM

The herpes question sounds like a Fox reality show in the making. But a good one, though.

"The whole 'Mom, Dad, I've got Herpes' conversation will go much easier if you can amend it with the phrase 'but so does grandma.'"

Brilliant. If all goes well, "but so does grandma" should become the catchphrase of the year.

by Adam at April 2, 2004 9:11 AM

pus yeilding sores? rubbing them on your parents underpants? laughing snot bubbles? my, my, my, am so glad i skipped breakfast this morning.

by katie at April 2, 2004 1:25 PM

"but so does grandma" as a catch phrase reminds me of A Mighty Wind. I went around for days aftering seeing that movie (and then again when I rented it on DVD) saying "Wha happen?!" Yes, this is just apethetic effort to push this comment thread into double digits.

by mg at April 2, 2004 4:09 PM

This did make me laugh out loud, but the snot stayed in my nose.

by MrBlank at April 2, 2004 5:40 PM

are you in the new york area? call me at 212-564-3443.

by Brian at April 7, 2004 6:47 PM

For hot gay sex, call 212-564-3443. I hope Google picks that up.

by Eviltom at April 7, 2004 10:22 PM

Brian will help you manage the brand of Badsam, and give you a Diversified Portfolio of Power Brands.

by Linz at April 8, 2004 10:04 AM

Did you know that if you search Google with the keywords "lye effective against sperm" you will find this handy bit of info (8th hit)...

Public Health Backgrounder #713
What Every Human Should Know About SEX WITH THE UNDEAD

* So your lover is an undead creature? *

MG's post was 6th. Congratulations on beating out Sex with the Undead.

by Joseph at April 12, 2004 11:26 PM

comments are closed