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bad advice: Oh what joy for every girl and boy

by mg at 10:51 AM on April 08, 2004

So among you might say I’ve given too much bad advice recently. At any rate, here is some more.

hi, my name is joanna and i really need some advice on how to be bad! a bunch of friends and i r going to bush gardens. one of my friends is really annoying and bringing her mom with her and her mom is going to be going around with us in the park. i need some good advice on how to ditch this girl and her mom and a good excuse on why we did ditch them. could u please send this back soon! thanks ~Joanna

Boy. That is a tough question.

When I’m faced with a problem I can’t immediately answer, I find that free association sometimes helps. Lets try it now. Busch Gardens. Busch. Bush. Female pubic hair. Vaginas. Lesbianism. Hmm, lesbianism. Damn, it always comes back to lesbianism. That isn’t helpful! Or, wait? Maybe it is…

The best way to get away from someone is to make them want to get away from you. And I’ve found from years of personal experience that the best way to make someone want to get away from you is to make an inappropriate sexual overture. I’m guessing you’ll all be driving to Busch Gardens together. Even if you’re going in a minivan, you’ll probably be packed in tight. Make sure you get a seat next to this girl who annoys you. A couple minutes into the trip, place your hand on her knee. A couple minutes later start running her knee. A couple minutes after that, start moving your hand further up the inside of her thigh. While you are doing this, start whispering in her ear about how you can’t wait to get to the bush and taking a ride. By this point, your hand should be on her crotch. If she is wearing a skirt or shorts, put the hand underneath, but over the panties (you are in public after all). Compliment her on how pretty her panties are. If she is wearing pants unbutton them.

Wait, what were we talking about again?

Oh, right. When you get to Busch Gardens, this girl will probably want nothing to do with you. She will likely go to her mom and tell her what the problem is. Her mom will either a) keep herself and her daughter as far away from you as possible, or b) pull you aside to have a talk about your “inappropriate” actions. This is where you must go in for the kill. As the mom is talking about good touches and bad touches, you start touching your bad places. Start moving yourself closer and closer to her, until you are able to start grinding your bad places against her. Likely, she will be too embarrassed to tell anyone, if you think she might tell your parents, suggest that if she does, she’ll say you were the one touching her. At this point, she will do anything to get, and stay away from you for the rest of the day, and forever after.

And, in the unlikely event that either the mom or the daughter are into your advances, please take pictures and send them to me.

comments (13)

That one caused the snot to flow. If I were Japaneese my nose would be bloody.

by MrBlank at April 8, 2004 2:34 PM

Yeah it's funny alright. But there's a valid point too: It pays to alienate people who get on your nerves. They then save you all the trouble of ditching or humiliating them. Before long you've achieved blessed solitude for life.

by anna at April 8, 2004 6:26 PM

Hey, don't forget Osama's bad advice!


by Osama at April 8, 2004 8:41 PM

good post. should I try rubbing bipolar depression, acute anxiety, and bankruptcy on the upper thigh?

by lokiheed at April 8, 2004 9:15 PM

I've always found that heroin is a great remedy for such problems. Mix it with coke like John Belushi. You'll be deceased but at least you won't be Jim Belushi.

by anna at April 9, 2004 7:41 AM

This comment won't really have much of a point to it, I promise. Sometimes when the lights are off I think about how it would be to have actually missed the wasp with the folded magazine. And sometimes I forget to close the garage door when I go to Osco Drug. But that's okay because it's a safe neighborhood, right?

by andrew at April 10, 2004 11:00 PM

Well Andrew, to butcher a Zen koan, the magazine that swats cannot swat itself. Wasps (yellowjackets) have been nesting on my family's back porch for years, but we've never been bitten by one. Isn't that wierd? I hear that wasp stings really hurt. But just watch-- now that I've said this, I'll get bitten.

Excellent advice by the way, MG. If the pictures come, let us know if they're any good. Heh!

by jean at April 11, 2004 5:27 PM

One time my sister started poking a hornets' nest. They came swarming after her, stinging her like crazy. She ran and jumped in the pool but they stayed there hovering, waiting for her to come up for air. That's why you don't stir up a hornets' nest, to butcher another old adage.

by anna at April 11, 2004 6:50 PM

This young lass needs a slap of reality... bush fucking gardens... how about the drop of the USD/JPY in her face to the ringing loss of $10,000 in twenty minutes... bush fucking gardens...whore

by lockheed at April 12, 2004 1:42 PM

Vintage Lockheed is back!

by anna at April 12, 2004 5:56 PM

Oh my blessed savior! Lockheed has returned to me.

by Joseph at April 12, 2004 11:16 PM

what if someone ofered me drugs.what sould i do?

by lea at March 9, 2006 4:12 PM


by whit at June 19, 2006 3:04 PM

comments are closed