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You'd better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone

by anna at 06:33 PM on March 14, 2004

I’m so not about deep thinking. Like depraved celebrities pestering us to vote, forgo hatred and read or talk to our disinterested kids, it gives me a splitting headache. I’d much rather focus on the superficial---like why you can see and smell farts in the bathtub. Or my pet theory, which goes something like this: What career path you choose will have a direct impact on how well you age.

Consider the presidency. Lyndon Johnson put up with it for four years and bowed out, looking frail and defeated. Richard Nixon, while born looking decrepit, definitely looked far worse for the wear and tear after his humiliating ordeal. Same goes for Ronald Reagan. By the time he left office his wife was feeding him his lines. Check out a vibrant, youthful Bill Clinton before he took office. And just look at his old, irrelevant ass now. Even George W. Bush shows major signs of aging after just four years. Every day he comes to resemble his cranky dad more and more. And it’s not like he’s burdened with all these heavy thoughts. He just hopes we don’t get fooled again or something.

So forget being president. Those who choose not to heed this advise might as well inject a dose of that premature aging disease into their veins. If John Kerry somehow unseats Bush, he’ll be Bob Hoping in those Big K-Mart ads by 2/1/05.

I once mentioned this chick Heidi who works at the Sunoco station where that guy got shot by John Mohammed. She’s been working there (and possibly running a bordello) ever since we moved here twelve years ago. During that time she’s had a baby and appears to work 24-7. Yet, aside from some increased yellowing of her teeth, she hasn’t aged a day. Being a cashier at a gas station may not pay much but it isn’t stressful either. With any luck you could maintain your good looks well into your twenties.

You’d think the footloose, pampered lifestyle of a rock star would cause one to age gracefully. But one look at a 61-going-on-90 Keith Richards would swiftly belie that notion. All those years on the road surely take their toll. Indeed, you have to wonder what today’s pop tarts will look like in ten years. Short of drastic plastic surgery, Britney Spears will be a dead ringer for Linda Evans by then. I shudder to even think about a 35 year old Christina Aguilera. I’m thinking Joan Rivers with piercings. (A notable exception to this rule is benefit staple Jon Bon Jovi. Like The Donald, this guy must have made a pact with Satan back in 1989.)

News anchor is a tough call. Peter Jennings and Tom Brokaw still look pretty much the same, but Dan Rather looks more grandfatherly every time I see him. Yet he still maintains that mischievous glint in his eye that says, “Underneath this expensive suit I’m wearing dainty satin panties.”

(Speaking of which, one casualty of our youth-obsessed culture is the concept of women aging gracefully. In olden times people would refer to those who’d managed to do so as “handsome women.” Who is a handsome woman today, Jane Fonda? Suzanne Somers? Rivers? Please.)

Now my job entails sitting at a desk, doling out hundreds of thousands of dollars to injured people. You might say I’m Santa Claus. It can be taxing but overall it is a gratifying gig that pays real well and requires no extensive training. Plus I don’t have to deal with sooty chimneys.

Check me out after my college graduation. That’s me, posing with my visibly relieved mother who’d suffered through seven years of partying and debauchery that would make Caligula look like a boring global warming seminar. Here's View image">another shot of me, posing with my lovely wife prior to our ill-fated trip to the Kennedy Center. (Not Actual Wife Shown.)

Not to brag or anything but I daresay I’m holding up fairly well. No beer gut, gray hair or comb-over; still a sparkle in my eyes. Sure there’s some unsightly bags underneath but that’s to be expected at 44, no? So if you want to stay forever young, take a job as a cashier or claims adjuster. Don’t become a rock star or president or CBS newsman. And don’t even think about taking any of these jobs.

comments (23)

For the record, all of the credit that my dad deserves for the uploaded images is for begging Mr. Blank for the tutorial on this. With the exception of this, all he did was bring up the page of clicking upload file. Being the techno junkie of the family, I knew the shortcut: find file, see where it is exactly, and find it in browse. The struggle has finally ended for him.

by Ian at March 14, 2004 6:53 PM

Anna, you look a lot like my uncle Bob. You don't secretly live in California, do you?
Thanks to Ian for helping him out with the pics!
And I think Anna's theory about aging just might be right. Has anyone ever noticed that when teachers are approaching retirement, they usually look old enough to be your great-grandparent?

by Leaffin at March 14, 2004 10:43 PM

Some of us manage to maintain good looks even into our thirties. What about Heather Locklear? Think she's in her mid to upper forties and still looks pretty hot.

by AlterEgo at March 14, 2004 10:43 PM

I'm glad someone got some use out of that tutorial I made.

Even though Iíll be 27 this year, I still look like Iím barely 20. In the long run itís good, but it sucks major ass being a late bloomer in gym class.

by MrBlank at March 14, 2004 11:59 PM

*sigh* I'm entering the stage where I'm begining to look my age. When I was 17 people said I looked 15, now they can guess I'm 20 right off the bat. It's depressing somehow. At least it's not as bad as a friend of mine who, while younger than I am, is much older-looking.

by Lucy at March 15, 2004 3:31 AM

No I don't live in CA but my roots are there. Hopefully Bob is like one of those hip uncles who slipped you beers.

Agree about Ms. Locklear but doubt that's all natural if you know what I'm saying. There's more than L'Oreal at work there.

Lucy, wait until you dream of someone carding you. Oh wait, you don't buy products that require ID.

And yes kudos to Ian and Mr. Blank. Not so much for showing off the pix to the missus though. Bad thing.

by anna at March 15, 2004 7:48 AM

Oh and thanks MG. You know.

by anna at March 15, 2004 7:49 AM

I would like to assert that despite being a rockstar and a teacher, Shannon & I will be looking good at 50, if our hot mama is any indicator.

by Linz at March 15, 2004 8:58 AM

in the second pic you look like bill paxton in true lies

by JC at March 15, 2004 12:55 PM

That's some funny shit JC. I didn't know you were in that movie Anna. You and Lajo are having these careers on the sly and not fessing up. Shame.

by Ezy at March 15, 2004 4:01 PM

You know JC, you're kind of right. I see him almost all the time (literally) and that does look a lot like him. After a massive stupidity mutation.

by Ian at March 15, 2004 4:14 PM

Bill Paxon after a massive stupidity mutation is one of the more disturbing things I have heard this week. What would that make him, a drooling idiot? He's close now. Sucks for you Anna.

by Ezy at March 15, 2004 4:22 PM

Yeah I can see the resemblance there. Ezy, you have to understand the boy---I'm sure he meant me after a stupidity mutation....I hope.

As I recall Linz, your ma is that chick who dyed her hair in my high school. Hot mom!

Editor's note: With any luck there will now be some subtle changes in that pix. Home front troubles, you know.

by anna at March 15, 2004 6:04 PM

Yes, it's the eternal woman's lament: I HATE that picture. Why do women hate any picture of them?

by anna at March 15, 2004 7:17 PM

I'm resisting the urge to replace to big gaping whole in the picture where your wife used to be with something else. Must... resist...

PS: Ian, you are awesome.

by mg at March 16, 2004 1:31 AM

I too thought about merging a picture of someone innocuous. Maybe Marlo Thomas or somebody like that. That hole is just so gaping.

by anna at March 16, 2004 7:49 AM

I think he meant that you're Bill P after a stupidity mutation Anna. If that's true I'll be over later with a bag of crack, meth, and the big H. There's no use in living anymore. We can make cocktails. Wait, that sounds dirty.

by Ezy at March 16, 2004 9:32 AM

For what it's worth, I thought she looked nice in the picture. BTW, I think most women hate pictures of themselves because they feel it's not the way they look in person.

by Lucy at March 16, 2004 10:45 AM

I don't mind pictures of myself but I can't stand recordings of my voice. No way I sound all raspy like that. And Lucy I agree she looked quite hot.

Ezy that does vaguely dirty. Leave the big H at home. Even back in the day that shit scared me big-time.

by anna at March 16, 2004 5:44 PM

MG, may I please ask why I am awesome?

by Ian at March 16, 2004 6:36 PM

Ezy, I don't know who that guy is, but if he had a stupidity mutation, his brain would be too small to sustain his existence. Yes, Dad, I meant after you mutated.

by Ian at March 16, 2004 6:41 PM

isn't it cute, how father and son communicate over thousands of miles of cabling instead of just walking downstairs for a hug?

similarly, my two friends share a cube at work, sitting back to back and not five feet apart, yet they IM eachother all day long.

ian, you're just rad. no explanation necessary.

by lajo at March 16, 2004 7:30 PM

*hugs son* I must see about changing that boy's security settings.

by anna at March 17, 2004 7:55 AM

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