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Kids say the darndest things

by anna at 06:48 PM on March 10, 2004

20 years ago I dated a sweet but timid ballet dancer. She was blind wihtout her glasses but only wore them to drive. She had trouble recording her favorite show, The Smurfs, on her VCR. Though she looked like more of a brunette, she characterized herself as a ditzy blonde. I don't know why. Nor do I know why she spoke in this childlike, singsong voice.

Yet she'd practically yell things like, "I love your big fat cock!" or "Quick, shove it back in my ass." I found it most distressing to hear such raunchiness out of her mouth. It was as though she'd been possessed by some evil demon. It also sounded forced, as if she'd read it in a magazine article.

Some people can pull off the dirty talk with aplomb. She wasn't one of those. You'd sooner believe Snoop Dogg was the malleable snitch Huggy Bear in Starsky and Hutch.

Anyway, we soon split up and went on to marry, raise kids and pursue successful careers. Which is all well and good, let bygones be bygones, right? Except I can't. See, we work in the same cavernous office. And while we're in totally separate departments and have nothing to do with one another, there's only one set of bathrooms for 200 people. (Aren't there like, rules about that?) So inevitably we pass in the halls once in a while. We both go, "hey" and quickly avert our gaze. It's excrutiatingly awkward because we both (I think) remember her most incongruous penchant for dirty talk behind closed doors. And another thing I won't mention here.

It's unspoken. But it's still there. And it's awful.

For all your dignified adulthood and lofty community standing, you're still this foul-mouthed 20 year old in some people's eyes. And for all mankind's evolution, we still can't control our own intrusive, unwelcome thoughts. I mean, this image is hardly pleasant for me. It's the last thing I want to audioalize when a high-ranking coworker passes me in the hall.

You know how sometimes you meet a seemingly happy couple and you're thinking, what's she doing with this loser? Or vice versa? It's like that. These notions enter our brains constantly, we kick ourselves for it, but we never can stop it. At least I can't.

comments (10)

But isn't it the case that we all go around thinking that all those people we work with don't have sex or do anything unsightly when they go home at night? In your case you know it's true because you've seen it, done it. The ultimate ultimate reality show - strap a camera on someone and reduce 24 hours of random people's lives to 30 minute segments. It would have to be on cable, but it would show us that we all do those things we think nobody really does.

by chris at March 10, 2004 7:01 PM

So true. And in my case it's worse because she's not the only one by a long shot. For instance, there's another who...never mind. I may have to start using one of those catheters people strap on at football games at work.

by anna at March 10, 2004 7:09 PM


by Lockheed at March 10, 2004 7:20 PM

Lockheed lives! But that's a pretty minimalist remark.

by anna at March 11, 2004 7:47 AM

(Shhhh, I think he's just trying to fool MG with the number of comments)

by Yen at March 11, 2004 11:42 AM

Oh. Damn inscrutable Lockheed. He used to be my biggest fan.

by anna at March 11, 2004 1:41 PM

Anna, that is hilarious. I had one of those when I was younger. We ended very badly, ie I used her, so it was a huge surprise when I passed her in the hallway one morning. Talk about awkward. She knew where i worked so it wasn't really a big surprise to her, just me. She sniped about me to people in her department, understandably so, and every woman she worked with sent me vicious glances when I passed them. That was fun.

by Ezy at March 11, 2004 1:56 PM

Dirty talk is just something I've never been able to get into. I just feel too... silly even trying it. Phrases like that are best left to porno movies, where we can fast forward through them. I have a samiliar story about not being able to look at someone you know some dirt secret about that happened just recently. Maybe I'll write about that...

by mg at March 11, 2004 1:58 PM

MG, I guess that was my point. There are times I've liked hearing it, but only when it sounded sincere and not all magaziney. And I don't do it myself for that same reason.

by anna at March 11, 2004 7:17 PM

Yes, please dish MG. I've been wondering how many sexy librarian students have undone their hair from buns and taken off their glasses for you!

by jean at March 12, 2004 4:06 AM

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