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Just roll me over when you're done

by anna at 06:42 PM on February 19, 2004

You may not know it but every single medical procedure has a corresponding five (or more) digit code. 44608, for instance, denotes removal of a foreign body from your anus. It is better known as the Richard Gere Procedure.

Putting these and other codes on medical bills has developed into an art. People go to school to learn how to do it properly. The idea is to get the provider's bill to sail past the insurance company's cost control software and possibly get paid at some point in the distant future. Alas, it doesn't always work out that way. We see to that.

I got a call at work from a Massage Therapist named Sue Ann. Seems she'd branched out on her own from her job at a physical therapy outfit. Since that time, she'd received no compensation for all her back-breaking work. Hers was essentially a one-woman operation so she was trying to code the bills herself. She was complaining that she'd submitted several bills to my company and either received no response or received some cryptic EOB asking for more information. I gave her my standard response: Email us another copy and I will personally see that it is discarded in the recycle bin. Your problems are not my problems.

I then changed the subject. I asked Sue Ann what it takes to qualify as a licensed Massage Therapist. Turns out they have to take a lot of classes to get certified. Nonetheless I was having a hard time taking her seriously. Here's why: I grew up in Falls Church, VA. Just about every boy who grew up there lost their virginity to a Massage Therapist employed at a tacky place called Tiki Tiki Massage Parlor. The Tiki Tiki girls would say things like, "I love you long time. Just 20 da-la more." If you went to Tiki Tiki and only got a rubddown you were considered a dork. It's like hooking up with an escort service and just getting escorted someplace.

I guess times have changed in the world of massage therapy.

Which brings me to this weird debate I heard on the radio. A caller said he'd been visiting a licensed Massage Therapist for years. Out of the blue she flipped him over and started jacking him off. He didn't touch her, he was a totally passive participant in the act. He was asking whether this constituted cheating on his SO. The DJ asked a most salient question: Did you tell your SO about it, even in passing? Or did you conceal it out of guilt, shame or fear of consequences? And I guess that's the definition of adultery these days.

comments (14)

well....did he come?

by lajo at February 19, 2004 8:32 PM

Yeah but because it was post-Janet radio they had to call it a happy ending.

Rereading this it occurs to me that it's a Capt. Kirk vs. Mr. Spock thing. My inner Spock knew that massage therapy is a legit job. She'd just told me what rigorous training they undergo. But my inner Kirk couldn't resist remembering the therapists at Tiki Tiki.

by anna at February 20, 2004 7:51 AM

That is SO cheating whether he came or not!!!

by Linz at February 20, 2004 8:48 AM

My first question is Why didn't he stop her? Being a passive participant doesn't get you off the hook, he was allowing this to happen. Unless he wasn't willing, it just took him by surprise and he didn't know how to respond, in which case the question would be was this cheating or was this rape? (regardless of the legal definition)

by Lucy at February 20, 2004 10:54 AM

It sounds like cheating to me. Unless the massage therapist was a Hungarian monster with a neck like a tree named Helga, he cheated. If it was Helga then you could probably make a strong case for rape.

Anna, I know a couple of massage therapists and those women work their asses off. The only way they can make any decent money, after completing some pretty rigorous courses, is to strike out on their own. If they work for a spa then they are at the mercy of the spa owner who, usually, pays them a fraction of what they're worth. You should really try to help that woman out.

by Ezy at February 20, 2004 11:51 AM

a good friend's little sister is a massage therapist. apparently it's quite common that male clients, without any extra help from the massager or himself, ejaculate right there on the table. so legit or no, cleaning cum is apparently just part of the biz. which brings me to a question:

if a male does experience a happy ending, without any sexual contact on his part or the massager...is that cheating?

by lajo at February 20, 2004 12:36 PM

Actually Ezy I did see that her bills got paid. She then flooded me with a bunch of others on other people's cases. And yeah I know it is hard work they do.

Lajo, you raise a question I have no answer for. But I'd have to say that was just a physiology thing.

As for the question you raised Lucy, I dunno. You have to consider a couple things: 1 It probably happened pretty fast. 2 It probably felt great and his pulsating dick may have overruled his mind. Just guessing, of course.

by anna at February 20, 2004 6:58 PM

Good for you Anna. I didn't doubt that you would, it's just that I'm sure the red tape can be binding sometimes.

by Ezy at February 21, 2004 2:13 PM

Maybe it's just my own schism, but I can't imagine any massage not being at least a little bit sexual, even if neither party involved intends it to be. I'm not sure I could ever get a professional massage without being so uncomfortable in the situation that any good the massage did me was lost.

by mg at February 21, 2004 2:45 PM

What if it was a guy masseuse, MG?

by anna at February 21, 2004 5:39 PM

Thats a silly question. If a gay man touched my junk, would that not be sexual because a guy touching me is not my thing? Would it not be sexual if an unatractive women touched me? Is it not sexual if a prostitute, who is not interested in you at all, gets you off? Just because one (or both) parties are not considering something to be sexual, doesn't make it magically not sexual. If it did, guys wouldn't mind getting prostate exams.

by mg at February 21, 2004 6:51 PM

Yikes! Once I had something going on down there that was quite persistent. My doctor is reasonably attractive young female. I couldn't get it checked out for fear I'd start sporting wood during her exam.

by anna at February 22, 2004 12:12 PM

fuck that guy AND his masseuse. Yes its cheating. It causes pain and guilt and stress for him and his SO, should he disclose or not. I am so sick of whiny, crapped out moral toads that can't think beyond an hour into their future.

by sgv at January 26, 2006 9:22 PM

We do try for longer periods sometimes, honest sgv, but when it starts getting near the hour and fifteen minutes mark... things get a little shaky, unpredictable. So shaky and unpredictable it gets scary. I mean, in an hour I'll probably be asleep... but an hour and fifteen, shit.... I could be dead!

Thanks for that, now I'm afraid to go to sleep. :(

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at January 26, 2006 10:34 PM

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