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It doesn't matter what you do, you've nothing to lose

by anna at 07:24 PM on February 28, 2004

Pro athletes often find themselves in a rather sketchy position. By definition, unless you count pro bowlers, they have killer bods. Most are rich and in their twenties. They spend a lot of time on the road, living out of posh hotels crawling with jock groupies. All these factors leave them vulnerable to charges of sexual misconduct. Just ask Kobe Bryant. (I believe he stands a decent chance of acquital. Basis: I can't remember ever kissing, hugging and fondling for ten minutes in a hotel room without completing the deed. Well, there was that once but it had nothing to do with rape.)

Oftentimes those accusations are true. Other times it is pure bullshit. I tend to think the true victims are the ones willing to endure the ordeal of a trial, as opposed to those who drop charges in favor of a financial settlement. But ultimately it comes down to a he said she said. Who are you going to believe?

In the increasingly moralistic witchhunt climate of post-Janetit America, this isn't the position you want to be in. Fortunately, there's no need to worry about it. No doubt inspired by a flurry of such lurid cases, somebody came up with a sexual consent form. This raises a host of questions in my mind.

First of all, wouldn't the signing of consent forms put a major damper on both parties' ardor? It's like those times you have to run out and buy condoms. Far better, I think, to come up with an alternate plan. Some of my most pleasurable experiences have stemmed from alternate plans.

Is it necesssary to have the signatures notarized? If not, how do you know the signing itself wasn't coerced? You're right back in the he said she said arena.

Given that no means no right up until full penetration and perhaps beyond, is such a contract even legally binding? Couldn't a woman sign it while all horny and then renege when her partner turns out to be a fumbling oaf who sweats all over during the petting?

For that matter, is this strictly a guy thing? Or do gals too need to secure waivers before knocking boots with relative strangers? Damned if I know.

But in my opinion, the mere existence of this concept is emblematic of how far we've sunk here in the 21st century. Has it really come to...... this?

comments (6)

As is.... this.

by anna at February 29, 2004 10:46 AM

That's hilarious.

I'm printing one off to get my girlfriend to sign.

by chuckwoolery at February 29, 2004 11:43 PM

Agreed. As a prosecutor, Chuck, would you buy into this in a rape case?

by anna at March 1, 2004 7:39 AM

i think the stop term "code red" reveals just how socially inept the writers of this document were. who the hell has ever said anything like that in their whole life?

if anything that term almost makes you want to keep going.

by lajo at March 1, 2004 4:29 PM

that's still open for abuse...she could claim she said code red and he didn't stop. but i guess he could claim he just thought she was almost there and he was supposed to kick it into overdrive. or maybe he thought she said "choad red" and thought that he was chafing a bit, but that he'd continue anyway

by JC at March 3, 2004 12:31 PM

Yeah all that and more. But my point is that shit like this only cheapens true, spontaneous intimacy. Something you, the newly married JC, better enjoy now while the getting's good.

by anna at March 3, 2004 8:01 PM

comments are closed