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effenheimer

The Man with the Child in his Eyes

by effenheimer at 06:17 PM on November 02, 2003

I once sent some asshole an anonymous email from my computer at the Iowa State Daily. He sent a reply with one line. That line identified the computer I was sitting at. Boy, did my cheeks burn with shame when I realized that even if this asshole didn't know it was me, he could have very easily. This is a story about fucking with people only this time, I am not the fucker, but the fuckee who turned the table.

The Internet is a crazy place. I've been on it for about as a long as any civilian. My aerospace engineering roommate Ed Humble got me started way the fuck back in 1990 when all there was to do online was send e-mail, download "binaries," play MUDs (or Xtrek) and cruise newsgroups. Back then, we called anybody who left their computer on "just in case" they got an e-mail "a squid." Today, of course, we call that person the typical Internet user.

I recall the first time I was "flamed." It was on some meaningless web site called alt.ketchup. I was flamed for not talking about ketchup in spite of the fact that no one EVER posted anything about ketchup to that site. Today there are ovcer 5,000 posts there, all about ketchup I'm sure.

People have always enjoyed the anonymity of the Internet. So powerless are we in our daily lives that getting our ya-yas out by acting irrationally in some make believe realm is pretty tempting. I, on the other hand, am not one of those people who is without a forum. Neither is a local attorney who recently sent some anonymous "criticism" about a column I did on Rush Limbaugh to our web site under a false name. The editor didn't run it, but passed it on to me because she likes it when I get one or two email trashing me to counter balance the dozens and dozens that say things like "You are the only reason I read the paper," "Thanks for saying all the things I wish I could say" and "I love you." Read on.

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Here is an Opinon/love letter to the Web site I'm not posting. -editor
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Shame on you. Don't you have any compassion? Your ad hominem attack tells us more about YOU than it does about Mr. Limbaugh. By the way, your concern over the quality of public discourse is interesting, given your contributions to various blogs I have seen on the internet the last few years. By the way, how is your stripper girlfriend? I suppose she is fat and sweaty these days as well.
Judson Parker

Submitter:Judson Parker
Email:judsonparker2002@emailomittedbecauseevenadouchebagseservesabreak.com
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Now, here is the interesting part for me. I share this kind of stuff (obviously) because when people hate you, it is almost as much of a compliment as when they love you. Love is temporary, a fad. The one who loves you today can go cold on you tomorrow, but the asshole who hates you, will likely hate you forever and that is a reader you can count on. Plus it's funny as fuck to watch these amateurs try and hurt my feelings as though those weren't killed off years ago.

So I showed this to the office. Well, the cop reporter recognized the name as a fictional character in a book that is being written by our FORMER COUNTY ATTORNEY about a steely-eyed county attorney, no less. He started writing the book in 2000 and copies of the thing have been circulating for months. It's a real piece of shit.

Now, in my experience, no one hates writers like us more than writers who suck and wish they had some forum where they could contribute and be worshipped, not unlike the people of this BLOG. But let's walk through this. The guy is an attorney. He is a former county attorney and technically a respected member of the community and he is out there hatin' on me anonymously. He looks me up on the internet and finds me here because someone once used my name or I did. My picture is there anyway. He really thinks he's digging into my secret life, like he followed me one night and found me hanging out at a gay cabaret wearing assless chaps smearing vaseline on some dude's ass. So of course he has to make a little allusion to his secret knowledge as though he is out there in the world watching me, studying me, lurking, waiting for his moment to strike at the heart of me. What a weak-ass punk.

"Gosh, maybe I shouldn't crack on Rush Limbagh any more lest this anonymous stranger call me sweaty and fat again..... NAHHHHH!"

So I sent "Judson Parker" an email:

"That's funny, Judson Parker is the name of a character in former Pott. County attorney **** *****'s horrible crime story about a steely-eyed county attorney in Woodbury. If I were you, I'd hang back, wait until he self-publishes the lurid piece of crap, then sue him. You know what I mean?"

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The subject line was the attorney's name, the last thing an anonymous squid wants to see when flinging poo from the security of his false identity. It's like, "Fuck, I guess I'm not as smart as I thought." I am pretty sure I hit the nail on the head since this dude never emailed me back to tell me i was wrong and besides, I'm right.

I hate people who fuck with me. I mean I REALLY hate them. I still bear a grudge against my kindergarten teacher for threatening to beat me with a yard stick.. the fucking bitch.

Now since smart boy crossed the line AND he seems to think he can get the goods on me "and my fat and sweaty stripper girlfriend as well" by reading this blog AND since I like to beat people who fuck with me into a fine pink mist, I've decided dipshit is probably out there reading this and needs a caution.

He should take careful note that I have not revealed his true identity. However, he should also note that I can and not just here but in "the real world." And I mean in a column the city - including every attorney and judge in town - will read. I'll run the "book" line by line with a running commentary by a real writer ripping the shit out of it. So don't fuck with me.

comments (8)

"Now, in my experience, no one hates writers like us more than writers who suck and wish they had some forum where they could contribute and be worshipped, not unlike the people of this BLOG."

What the hell does that mean?

Apparently "Judson Parker" is also a charcter name from the Anne of Green Gables books, which even further goes to show what a hack this lawyer/writer-wannabe is.

PS: Didn't you leave midget and amputee porn off the list of things you used to use the Internet for?

by mg at November 3, 2003 12:03 AM


I took him to mean that bad writers wish they had a forum like this, where the writers contribute and are worshipped. Come on, it's like art... interpret as you wish.

Eff, the thing that cracks me up about someone like this person that emailed you is that he couldn't even be bothered to try to counter your opinions with logic. Instead he name-called and insulted. Which, to me, means the purpose of his email isn't even to try to change your mind, but to try to hurt your widdle feewings.

by Linz at November 3, 2003 9:26 AM


That's a pretty sweet story. Hilarious how he couldn't cut his job in real life, but feels compelled to pretend to know something about doing a good job in his book-in-progress.

It's funny how most Internet users nowadays will never even know how open some of their information is to snoopers. I think that your lesson was quite valuable, if painful to the ego. :)

by jean at November 5, 2003 3:47 AM


Yeah MG, I mean writers that suck wish they were us, don't be such a sensitive guy... geez. Like I'd get on her to bitch, piss and moan and then insult everybody? that wouldnt do me much good. Besides, I've said many times that the writers on this sight are a notch above.

OK so maybe my punctuation left room for interpretation, mea culpa. I write like I make love, with wild abandon, fast and hard. SLAP SLAP SLAP and I'm done. SEE YA!

by eff at November 5, 2003 3:31 PM


I think at one point I considered myself a writer, but now I don't, so maybe I was a little more defensive about than I should have been. Right after I saw Linz's interpretation, I realized I was wrong, but even though I can, I never go back to erase embarassing comments.

by mg at November 5, 2003 3:55 PM


It's ok MG. Until Linz's enlightened interpretation I thought the same thing. I just didn't say anything because I don't consider myself a writer but just some putz you guys keep around to make fun of. Kind of like Butters from Southpark. It's ok. Everyone must play their role on a winning team. I accept.

by Ezy at November 5, 2003 4:16 PM


The correlation between your tale, my recent post about Bad Sam/Diane Sawyer and Linz's comments to both is downright eerie.

by anna at November 5, 2003 7:10 PM


that was odd.

i've changed one or two things, but it isn't so much because i care if people see me fuck up. Ishould go back and change my punk-chew-ation.

by eff at November 8, 2003 3:35 PM



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