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Rules to Live By or Something

by anna at 04:43 PM on November 28, 2003

1) To wallow in self-defeat is to more precisely define oneís scant chances of success. As Clint Eastwood once put it, a manís got to know his limitations.
2) To enhance those slim odds of success, strive to be pure as the driven slush. Stagger around your house buck naked with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand.
3) Just because youíve made your bed doesnít mean you have to lie in it. You could just pass out on the couch instead. Itíll still be made in the morning.
4) Itís always best not to wonder how your galís panties wound up on your sonís bedroom floor. Just let it go.
5) The squeaky wheel gets replaced pronto. Everyone hates a complainer just as they do perky people persons and those who draw those inane quotations marks with their fingers.
6) Nothing ventured, nothing ventured. At least in theory, you havenít lost any ground. By way of example, consider that the US government dropped $20 million promoting its latest dollar coin. Have you seen any in circulation?
7) Seek out those on the rebound for cheap and easy sex.
8) Men are driven by an overriding desire to expand their sphere of influence. Meanwhile, women are effortlessly expanding their sphere of influence.
9) Just as shopping, clothes-sharing and shoe-hoarding are uniquely feminine traits. And rest assured, hot chicks would never mud-wrestle over anything let alone cheap American beer. Show me a gal who mud-wrestles and Iíll show you one who knows her way around a truck stop.
10) Practice safe sex sporadically.
11) Preach to the choir.
12) The race is always to the swift. Thatís why thereís no point in running a marathon with Kenyans.
13) Yet there is inherent value in self-delusion. It has the capacity to change such a crushingly depressing reality into a minor annoyance, a vast improvement.
14) Donít follow leaders. Watch your parking meters.
15) When in Rome, do as the Romanians do.
16) Merrily burn your bridges as you go. You wonít be coming back this way, thatís for sure.
17) When you wake up in the middle of the night with a raging hard-on or dampened pussy, donít expect your partner to snap to attention. See that thing at the end of your arm? Use it. If youíre a girl it might even garner his attention. (Doesnít work so well for guys.)
18) Exact revenge. Wage private vendettas. Harbor grudges.
19) For your bitterness is merely confirmation of how unfairly youíve been treated by The System.
20) Adopt ďWhat would Donald Trump do?Ē as your guiding principle.
21) When faced with unspeakable malice, turn the other butt cheek.
22) Always check for dick, especially when dealing with deceptive dwarves.
23) Live in the moment but pick the right moment. Date with an oral surgeon: wrong moment. Detecting dick on a deceptive dwarf: worse moment.
24) Yeah itís about how you play the game alright. If you play well, you win. Otherwise youíre a loser.
25) Place head firmly between legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

comments (4)

Hey, sorry to hear about your sleep apnea. I hope it gets better. Hang in there!

by Eviltom at November 28, 2003 8:59 PM

Funny guy. This post was originally a Word document. The middle of the night reference was added in the middle of the night after I woke up with a dampened pussy. Really.

by anna at November 29, 2003 8:10 AM

You so crazy! Never found dick thank god, but I am the kind of dude who would meet a great looking lady and then get a big crying game surprise. as for your son, are you talking about your girlfriend or your daughter when you say "your gal's underwear." girlfriend is cool, the little monkey spank probably just stole them to punch it with and what adolescent boy wouldnt?

If you meant your daughter then just pray they aren't Hotel New Hampshiring it up while youre gone.

by Eff at December 1, 2003 3:46 PM

Always an honor to get comments from you Eff. Actually, that was a real reference too. The underwear in question were my wife's. I picked them up off his floor. The two (absurd) possibilities I considered were much worse than that. And they were awfully silky...

by anna at December 1, 2003 6:49 PM

comments are closed