« Hello, goodbye and thank you please | Main | What are you looking up here for, the joke's in your hand »


it's good work, if you can get it....

by lajoie at 12:50 AM on November 04, 2003

Strong, heady language?

Exposure to freshly rendered tallow for the purposes of scarification?
Double check.

Ritual ass-hammering with the Delta Tau Bad Sam paddle?
Uh, check.

Jumping over flaming pots of donkey tripe?
Again, check.

Climbing a wicked long, gas-soaked rope?

So far Iím crossing whatís left of my fingers, hoping that I passed the initial (five) disquieting tests for bad samaritanism, and would like my nifty membership pin forwarded to a P.O. box in Provo, UtahÖ. perhaps somewhere near the old Greyhound bus station. As such, Iíd like to thank you all for the rigorous & ritualistic application of the above tasks, with a special thanks to you MG (who I can only assume was beneath the purple hood and faded robes). Iíd just like to take a moment to mention that your tender wielding of the thumbtack-riddled, wand of supplication didnít go unnoticed by me and your attention to detail bordered on.....flattering.

Iíve written a few select words about myself on that really long, Russian food line of an authorís page, if any of you feel the pressing urge to know me better. Iím located directly in between Linz & Jesus, and will try pretty hard to ignore the potential symbolism of that fact. On that note, Iíd like to add that I once bit a kid on the neck, have never had perfect attendance (though I came close one year), and that I can run pretty fast when screamed at. I drink more caffeine than any right thinking mammal ever should, and have been known to participate in the borrowing and re-use of items in the public way such as traffic cones, those porno leaflet bins, and the odd "for rent" advertisement. MG suggested that I show, and not tell though, so perhaps a story to kick things off would be in order...

I stole something today. It was neither of great value, nor importance, but my filthy hands jacked some ill-gotten fruit from the company fridge. It was a just a wee little fruit cup, and I almost ate the damn thing last week. I wouldnít panic if I were you though. What I did was a gesture of good will to my fellow workers, and will keep company productivity humming at itís usual fevered pace. You see, the fruit I speak of was clearly going bad. This I confirmed upon the first bite into the delicious, but fermenting, chunk of pineapple. The cantaloupe? A little tangy, but scrumptious all the same. The lone grape was as slimy as it was mouth watering. When I finished my treat, I looked around for passers by. There being none, I quietly opened the trash bin, and gently placed the vessel of my iniquity below some other stuff, so as not to alert the whole world to my crime. I really never do this...but today was more special than your average day. Today I became a man.

I look forward to posting with all of you in the future.

And I barely mean that in a Hugh Hefnerish kind of way.

comments (25)

A dream come true, me adding a comment to your post. I like the lone grape reference. Why are food packagers so stingy with certain items? Why not splurge and put two grapes once in a while? I hat portion control.

by anna at November 4, 2003 8:00 AM

I didn't know you could "hat" something... I guess that when my nephew was born, he was hatted... to cover his pointy little head.

Lajoie, great to see ya here. You know, I have eaten almost-bad fruit too... it gives it a subtle alcohol content that slips under the radar at work...

by Linz at November 4, 2003 9:19 AM

Hey, didn't you used to play the "bad boy" on Gilmore Girls? Anyway.

I'd like to mention that I, also, have never had perfect attendance. In fact, as a yougster, I got sick a lot and in the second grade missed more than 60 days of class. In high school, I once missed 40 days, though that had more to do with purposefully missing school, rather than anything viral. Please note, the NYC public school year is just 180 days. The end.

by mg at November 4, 2003 9:43 AM

Lajoie!! Welcome bro. Can't wait to read details of things you've only had enough space to allude to here. Release tha hounds!!

MG, I too had a hard time making it to class in high school. I missed half of my senior year. My good friend Nancy lived beside the school and had a swimming pool. Oh yea, it was also the 80s. Temptation was rampant as the pool parties were teeming with alcohol, drugs, and hotties. I gave in. The end. Oh, I still made solid grades. It still makes me think, "what if" though. What if I would've applied myself to things other than supple young female flesh? Oh who cares?

by Ezy at November 4, 2003 10:11 AM

umm...linz. i think i know that you know that boys can "hat" something. especially when they're staying the night and being responsible little neanderthals. and thank you for the warm tidings, ms.

mg, i'd,love to tell the world that i have no idea what Gilmore Girls is. but back when i had a properly functioning t.v., i caught that show once on a whim. the young mom was pretty beautiful if i'm not mistaken. i'd love to be her bad boy if you could set that up.

anna, tis but a dream come true to be your dream come true today. and i mean that. if i can ever grow a decent mustache, one that doesn't make me look like a chinese fisherman, i'll snap a picture and beg mg to swap my photos. we'll be the mustachioed heroes of badsam....smiting enemies and whatnot. i also mean that.

ezy, i'm just secretly hoping i didn't blow my wad commenting for months. i might just have to dig a little deeper...but anything to please. and suggested genres are also welcome.

anyway, thanks to all for the open-armed welcome. i'm just glad that grueling initiation is over. whew.

by lajoie at November 4, 2003 11:23 AM

"I stole something today". I like it because it is straight-forward. I also like it because I've stolen stuff too, although not within the last 24 hrs (it was more like 7 mo.s ago) and certainly never fruit. It was also something small, but I didn't steal it from the company fridge. I don't think I'd ever be able to take something from the company fridge, mainly because I wouldn't want someone stealing MY food. Somehow I feel I've wandered off topic here, because I simply wanted to say "Welcome to BadSam, I'm looking forward to reading you". Thank said, I depart.

by Lucy at November 4, 2003 11:34 AM

thanks lucy. and in my barebones defense, this fruitcup was the remnant of someone's free lunch. that we all received over a week ago, courtesy of a concrete seminar we were treated to. so that in mind, i feel as if one's right is waived to free fruit, once left behind for more than a week, unattended and otherwise ignored. i think that fruit was "free agent" fruit.

and it solved the problem of me being hungry for like, three minutes.

by lajoie at November 4, 2003 12:22 PM

I cheat on my PC with a MAC at work. I don't think she'll find out anytime soon. Eventually she will, since MACs and PCs communicate with each other much better nowadays. The main reason I'm still with my PC is that she's easier to steal software with.

by MrBlank at November 4, 2003 12:34 PM

The kid's name from the Gilmore Girls is Milo Ventimiglia (and no, I didn't know that off the top of my head). Here are some pics, so everyone can decide for themselves.

by mg at November 4, 2003 12:43 PM

That is uncanny! There is a famous man walking among us commoners...

by Linz at November 4, 2003 12:48 PM

mg, i thought the deal here was that you didn't reveal people's true identities.

now i'll get all sorts of creepy fan mail. please forward it to my P.O. in Provo, everyone. thanks!

blank, hell hath no flurry of punches like a mac scorned...beware. i have the opposite pc-mac / home-away uniform arrangement. i know how that goes.

by lajoie at November 4, 2003 3:44 PM

How long do you think it'll be before we actually do start getting mail/comments for Milo Ventimiglia person? Linz's Kelly Clarkson mention had people deluging us with comments to pass on to her, and elder-writer Space's letter to Janet Jackson still occasionally has people leaving comments to Janet Jackson (and really, Space only looks a little like her).

by mg at November 4, 2003 10:55 PM

wow...that's all i have to say...wow

by katie at November 5, 2003 11:11 AM

milo ventimilgoina.

i just wanted to see if i could type it.


by lajoie at November 5, 2003 12:19 PM

I've been told I look like the late Shirley Hemphill from "What's Happening" but I just don't see it.

by Ezy at November 5, 2003 12:50 PM

nah. ezy, to me you'll always look like Florida from "Good Times".

by lajoie at November 5, 2003 2:45 PM

Did anyone see the Presidential candidate debate last night? Some kid from the audience asked the candidates to each enlighten us about whether they liked Macs or PCs better. I was horrified...

However, I am really glad to know that Wesley Clarke doesn't think Outkast has broken up, after all.

by jean at November 5, 2003 2:49 PM

Fred "Rerun" Berry (also of Good Times) a week or so ago. Elliott Smith died the next day, so I went from wanting to make fun of the dead, to grieving them, and scrapped a post I was thinking about at the time. It was going to mention how Mama, Shirley, and Rerun from Good Times have all died early. I was going to make some kind of connection between their deaths and the fact they were the only three morbidly obese characters on the show, but then since none of the rest of the cast has worked in 20 years, I wasn't sure if maybe Rog or Dee might actually be dead too. Then I was going to talk about how Mama actually lost a lot of weight toward the end of her life (she had her legs amputated because of diabettes). Its probably a good thing I never got around to writing that post out.

by mg at November 5, 2003 3:50 PM

Amen MG.

Thanks Lajoie. I am now complete.

by Ezy at November 5, 2003 4:09 PM

i'll need some confirmation on this but i think rog is now the U.S. secretary of state.

one editorial note: rog, rerun, dewayne, shirley et al. were in What's Happening!, and later What's Happening Now, Honkies!

jimmy "dyn-o-mite" walker and the gang were in Good Times.

red foxx was in Sanford and Son.

m.j. warner, lisa bonet, keshia knight pulliam & tempest bledsoe were in the Cosby Show.

kadeem hardison, again lisa bonet, jada pinkett & cree summer were in A Different World.

and i only had to use the internet once to verify ms. knight pulliam's first name spelling. scary.

by lajoie at November 5, 2003 4:24 PM

Let me just say I loved all those black family shows and Chico and the Man too. Freddie Prinze I killed himself, I think. Something going on there though I am not sure what.

But I hated those Oreo Cosbys.

by anna at November 5, 2003 6:56 PM


I realized that I hadn't commented on your new post and new author status. Nice to see a fellow long-time commenter onboard as a author at the same time as me...

I also have the misfortune to see that your first post is kicking my first post's ass in comments. not that I have envy or anything.

Maybe my second one will do better...

by chuckwoolery at November 6, 2003 1:24 AM

Yeah, Freddie Prinze committed suicide. It's wierd to me, to look at his son and imagine how horrible that must have been for him. Poor kid.

by jean at November 6, 2003 6:43 AM

thanks for the welcome chuck. as for out-commenting you, well it probably has something to do with the fact that half of these are mine...

by lajoie at November 6, 2003 11:58 AM

Lajoie, you are discovering my secret...

by Linz at November 6, 2003 12:16 PM

comments are closed