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It feels like the first time

by anna at 09:42 AM on November 22, 2003

I'm a little worried about my son. He'll be turning 14 and you know what that means:girls. I worry that he won't develop an interest soon enough and run the risk of being branded as gay by cruel classmates. I worry that he'll develop an interest before he's ready. Those initial flirtations can be so painfully awkward.

Hark back to your earliest fumbling semi-sexual encounters. Maybe you were shooting hoops when some wild women from across the tracks beckoned you into the woods. Perhaps they insisted on protection you didn't have. It's possible you said you'd run to the drugstore but by then the mood had passed. Or maybe you tried to hook up with a best friend's lover but he/she popped up at the worst possible moment.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was lots of moaning and panting in the back of an Olds Cutlass. Willingness to spare, yet precious little knowhow when it came to the logistics involved.

Maybe someone had their period but suggested there were...other things that could be done, but you were too naive to know what they meant. Or maybe that was you with the period, but you were worried about seeming too forward. Either way it was an awkward situation to say the least.

Some frenzied dry-humping skeletons in your closet, perchance? Or possibly some fumbling with bra latches or zippers? Or did a partner swipe your wallet in the throes of passion?

As things progressed to another level, it's likely things got worse long before they got any better. Perhaps you thanked someone inappropriately for certain favors they bestowed upon you. Or maybe, against your better judgment, you coaxed a friend of the opposite sex into doing something you just knew would forever poison your friendship. And sure enough it did.

You might have read a Cosmo article that espoused talking dirty but when you tried to put that advice into action it came out sounding all forced. Or possibly a partner fell asleep despite your frenetic ministrations. Or was that you that passed out? Either way it was an embarrassing moment best forgotten.

Maybe you were involved in a torrid love triangle involving two jealous brothers or sisters. Or else you turned in what you thought was a Meg Ryan-like fake orgasm but it rang about as true as Val Kilmer portraying Jim Morrison. Who knows, perhaps you even found yourself attracted to a newly introduced second cousin but it just felt too icky to consummate. Hell, perhaps your dad set you up with his mistress's daughter and she mentioned it at the wrong moment.

It's like smoking. The first couple times you try it you get all nauseous and cough uncontrollably. But if you keep it up you're soon puffing away like an accomplished pro. Your confidence builds, your technique improves and your repertoire expands. Partners start paying you complements about your prowess. They are humoring you, trust me.

I can't help but wonder if Paris Hilton has viewed that infamous tape of her and that former beau knocking boots. If so, I bet she didn't give herself a very favorable review. I do know I saw her sister Nicky on TV admonishing young lasses not to allow themselves to be filmed in the act;and for good reason, I might add.

Sorry, no links here.

comments (11)

And so long as I've brought up the Hilton sisters, could someone please clue me in on what a "socialite" is? I mean, what do they do for money? As far as I know Paris's turn on The Simple Life is her first paying job.

by anna at November 22, 2003 10:44 AM

everyone has awkward moments early on, later on, and in the middle. if you can be of any value to your son, anna, teach him to appreciate them, and occasionally laugh.

ideally to himself and not in front of the girl.

i know this one's going to come back to haunt me, but i was tactlessly hit upon by a second cousin once. i can't go into details due the public nature of this forum, but let's just say i rebuffed the overture and suddenly knew how strange life can be. i was 22 then, and things have gotten no less weird since.

by lajoie at November 22, 2003 6:31 PM

Well, the cousin reference might have some ring of truth to it. My family swiftly snuffed that idea out.

by anna at November 23, 2003 8:18 AM

Never fear Anna! My hunny at The Stee has provided the link for all to enjoy.

by Linz at November 24, 2003 11:23 AM

I wouldn't bother looking for the video. The Paris Hilton sex tape is about as unsexual as that Victoria's Secret special on last week.

by mg at November 24, 2003 11:44 AM

I must admit I am a little curious but if it is as bad as the review says then I don't think I'll waste valuable time and bandwidth for a flop.

by Ezy at November 24, 2003 12:42 PM

I've only seen the two minute excerpted version, but it is awful. She does look very high, but she definitly knew the camera was there (actually looking into it, talking about it, and positioning herself to get the best views), and was into the sex (if you can call it that). It isn't at all sexual, more disturbing - she gets off the dude to answer her phone, the sex act itself seems secondary to the act of being filmed, and she is giving him oral while they watch an Eddie Griffith (Undercover brother) standup video. Just weird.

by mg at November 24, 2003 12:49 PM

Undercover Brother during fellatio, huh? That is disturbing.

by Ezy at November 24, 2003 1:28 PM

Thanks Lindsey, I'll judge for myself someday. MG I totally agree with your analogy. It's easy to lump the Vicky's show in with Maxim gals, the Hiltons, Carmen Electra, Christina Aguilara cum XTINA and all the rest together. It's as though we're she-shocked soldiers who've seen so much trashiness for so long that it no longer has any effect. Or appeal, for that matter.

by anna at November 24, 2003 6:28 PM

It tooks hours to find a link to the Paris Hilton video but here is one that has about 4 links to copies of it

by alice at November 27, 2003 1:05 AM

Hi Alice. 4 hours? I was under the impression that the tape was everywhere. Anyway, I am married so I can't be downloading that sort of thing.

by anna at November 27, 2003 8:07 AM

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