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chuck woolery

Interesting Things Iíve learned, but canít use

by chuck woolery at 01:18 AM on November 06, 2003

Over the last 3 years of working, first as a defence lawyer, and now as a prosecutor, Iíve learnt a number of interesting and useful things that I canít use. Mostly I canít use them because they are illegal, and Iím especially not allowed to do things that are illegal (as opposed to normal people), and some of them just havenít come up.

Some of these things are quite amusing though. Most speak to both the idiocy of criminals and their cleverness. The criminal network, as loose and informal as it is, does have a uncanny way of passing along information that is useful to other criminals, ... to those other criminals.

Then there are those things that just make me step back and ask... Is this person really from the same gene pool as me?

1. A particular car manufacturer is especially kind to their customers, and include a spare ignition key in a pocket in the owners manual. That same manufacturer doesnít seem to bother to let their customers know the key is there, although the criminal network does. Hence that brand of car is on the most stolen list.

2. You can get a brand new (somewhat hot) $60K truck for a gram and a half of cocaine. Provided the guy who has the truck is a coke addict of course.

3. The vast majority of vehicles stolen have the keys in the ignition. Many are idling (cold Canadian winters and all) when stolen.

4. If you brag to your cellmate about how many things that you did that you never got caught for, you may get a new cellmate. The new cellmate is almost certainly a police officer. Do not brag to your new cellmate.

5. Do not stick steak knifes down the front and back of your pants if youíre driving a stolen car. When you get in a chase with the police and end up crashing, you might cut yourself. In a place you donít want to cut yourself. Or two places.

6. Do not stand next to a guy that has a sawed off shotgun pointed at his chest. Barrels move. Shorter barrels move quicker than longer barrels. At least a 12 gauge to your chest usually kills you before you hit the ground. Not much pain that way.

7. The majority of ďescortsĒ are drug addicts. Its no safer ordering one out of the phone book than it is picking one up off the street corner.

8. Do not hold up a restaurant with a fake (plastic) gun. When the patrons catch up to you, you may be beaten senseless with said gun.

9. If youíre drunk and canít find any deer to shoot, leave the farmers cows alone. Shooting said cows will get you many months in jail. If you do feel the urge to shoot some cows, do it by yourself. If someone else is there, they might just get mad at you (see below).

10. If your 28 and dating a 16 year old, try not to get in drunken fight with her father (over shooting cows for instance). He will almost certainly turn you in to the police and sing like a canary. You may still be in jail when the baby is born.

comments (12)

Advice to live by. I think it could be the start of a book, "Everything I need to know I learned on Bad Sam." Re: #3 - I guess maybe I can understand why it is in Germany they give tickets for leaving the keys inthe ignition.

by chris at November 6, 2003 2:40 AM

That is some sweet stuff. Lawyer stories are always fascinating-- keep them coming! And why the heck would anyone have a steak knife in one pocket, much less front and back? Are they at all useful for holding people up?

by jean at November 6, 2003 6:18 AM

Way out in the sticks, where my folks live, keys are kept in the ignition and doors are usually unlocked. My brother had a foreign exchange student friend from Germany who was quite amazed at this.

by MrBlank at November 6, 2003 9:21 AM

The steak knives weren't in his pocket. On was down the front of his pants, and one down the back. More or less centred on the body.

It seemed like that was the thing to do in Prison. That particular fellow was a lifer that had walked away from the half way house he was in. Not too well adjusted to life on the outside, having been in prison for the previous 18 years.

He went back to prison after the accident. He seemed quite happy to go.

by chuckwoolery at November 6, 2003 9:41 AM

I don't think so Jean but they're great for cutting steaks. I think I'd laugh if someone tried to rob me with a steak knife. Right before I was stabbed, robbed, and left for dead in an alley. I have a strange sense of humor that way.

by Ezy at November 6, 2003 9:41 AM

*reluctantly removes steak knives from pants*

by Linz at November 6, 2003 9:52 AM

*packs pants full of steak knives*

by lajoie at November 6, 2003 11:07 AM

You'd be surprised by the number of people that are killed with steak knives. Those serrated blades are good at opening up other people's necks, and othe body parts.

Just remember to use a slashing motion, the stabbing motion doesn't work so well with those things.

by chuckwoolery at November 6, 2003 4:11 PM

and isn't it also true that if you beat someone with a sack of potatoes, there are very few visible marks?

i'm starting to wonder if the world's best criminals weren't at one time lawyers. handling cases is like reading a textbook on proper delinquency.

by lajoie at November 6, 2003 4:52 PM

Ezy- you so crazy!

Chuck- That's sad. It reminds me of a feature the LA Times did a few weeks ago about criminals who are put into solitary confinement... how they build up even more rage and either go crazy or at the very least can no longer handle dealing with other people, and eventually, if they're not lifers, are just put on a bus back home. One of them said he still gets urges to beat up little old ladies who get too close to him, and cashiers who don't give him correct change.

Note to self- slash not stab, slash not stab. Heheh

by jean at November 7, 2003 12:28 AM

Who doesn't want to beat up incompetent cashiers? I remember Sam Kinnison used to show up an hour late for shows and explain how he'd have been here sooner but he got hung up at 7-11 trying to buy a pack of smokes. "Marl...boro. You know, smokie-smokie? Arrgh."

by anna at November 7, 2003 7:48 AM

The fellow with the steak knives is actually probably a post all by himself. After I dealt with him I checked with his former parole officer and heard of some of his "inside" behaviour that concerned other inmates who liked to dress as girls, with the liberal application of "makeup".

Koolaid can be used for many unusual things...

by chuckwoolery at November 7, 2003 11:46 AM

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