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haven't you heard, only one solution gotta spread the word - you gotta tell it to the people now

by mg at 01:14 PM on November 03, 2003

Yesterday I was watching the Sunday morning news shows and began to wonder when did politics get so political? Why aren’t Bill Clinton and Gary Condit still in office, those guys sure new how to sex up the news. Current events have gotten so boring, what with the budgets, and issues, and elections, and blah blah blah.

What will it take to hold the attention of the American people these days? I mean, there are more car bombings in Baghdad each day than after a Detroit Pistons championship win, and no on seems to notice. And then I realized, America’s love affair with the Reality TV is a sure-fire way to get people to care about the news. Because, really, the Clinton impeachment was a $40 million immunity challenge, but even though Bill lost, he somehow managed to stay in office. That was one twist we never could have expected!

Speaking of Baghdad, the U.S. “plan” in Iraq, from all evidence, is not going nearly as well as, er, planned. Sure, the administration has always maintained that we’d be over there for a while, but, come on, didn’t we all expect, especially after the speed of the actual war, that we’d have a new government in place over there before there would ever be an Austrian B-Actor in place as governor over here? This seems the perfect timing for “Who Wants to be the Iraqi President.”

As disorganized as the U.S. government is, we all know how efficient Reality TV is at marrying people to millionaires, seeing who can outwit, outlast, and out survive, and, finding out what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real. Just looking at the track record of successfully marrying off bachelors and bachelorettes, it’s pretty obvious that Reality TV producers sure know how to make things happen, so why not give them a shot at picking the next Iraqi president? Throw a couple Shiites, Sunnis, Baaths, Kurds, and of course, the obligatory homosexual, into a house together, and whoever wins, without being assassinated, gets to be president.

I’m no TV producer myself, but I can imagine what some of the immunity challenges might be: who can divert the most money from humanitarian aid to numbered Swiss bank accounts, who can hide the most WMDs from U.N. weapon inspectors, who can torture losing Olympic athletes until they scream the loudest, and who can stone a woman, who accidentally showed her wrist, to death the quickest.

America’s love affair with Elizabeth Smart proves what I’ve known all along, Mormon girls are hot. But now that the rest of the country agrees, it seems like the perfect time for “Who Wants to Marry a Homeless Prophet?” Twenty adolescent girls will be kidnapped from their homes, and forced to compete for the affections of a homeless, abusive prophet. But, unlike other reality dating shows, where the idea is to whittle down the number of contestants until a perfect couple is achieved, since the show will be filmed in Utah, every single one of the girls on the show can be a winner!

The Yankees haven’t won a World Series in three whole years. Which means George Steinbrenner is likely fuming with anger, and there’ll be more heads rolling than on Derek Jeter bobblehead night. What a perfect chance for Survivor: The Bronx? One way or another, we’ll be seeing a lot of familiar faces stripped of their pinstripes come the start of next season, so what a better way to do so than through a serious of rigorous physical challenges, eating cow testicles, and memory quizzes. It won’t matter how anyone actually does on those challenges, since George will pretty much pick the heroes and the goats based on whatever bizarre logic drives that strange man’s thought process. Besides, the Bronx is certainly more dangerous than the Outback, Africa, or Marquesas (wherever the hell that is).

During November sweeps CBS will be running a miniseries on Ronald and Nancy Reagan, which the writers have already admitted is more fiction than fact. Since this miniseries and the whole Clinton administration proved that the private lives of presidents are now open for public consumption, why not make a reality series based around following the real lives of the world’s most powerful man. We’ll get to see Laura Bush frustrated with George because he thinks Chicken of the Sea Tuna is really chicken, how he wont negotiate with Turkey because he is thinking about becoming vegetarian, and still believes that Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks.

comments (7)

I totally agree. The degree to which this administration insults the public's intelligence is disturbing. I know that every administration does it, don't get me wrong, but these guys sort of wander into dancing-in-the-streets, shooting-pistols-out-of-both-hands-into-the-sky-territory. I mean, War Against Terror? Why aren't we bombing the hell out of Saudi Arabia, then? Hmm, most of the terrorists involved in 9-11 came from there... that's a clear sign we need to wipe out Saddam! Maybe George Bush just has that eternal problem... they all look the same to him! He just got a little mixed up! He hiccuped while pointing at the map in the War Room, and his finger moved from Saudi Arabia to Iraq! We all just need to give him a little break.

by jean at November 3, 2003 3:32 PM

The fact that the first thing I read after a long hiatus from this beloved site consists of Iraq and Terror, makes me believe that we are still hooked on all that shit, whether we like it or not. I would love to be a contestant on who can launder IMF funds into a nice little brokerage account. Well, time to read what has transpired of this network.

by LOCKHEED at November 3, 2003 4:36 PM

Yay Lockheed! Let me say that I'm a sucker for those marrying shows. But I only know of one that resulted in a non-anulled marriage, Trysta who says "think you" instead of "thank you" and bubblehead Ryan. And I think they really did consider plopping Survivor contestants into the middle of the terrorist war zone known as Jordan. Would that of been a show, or what?

by anna at November 3, 2003 6:21 PM

Yay, Lockheed! Nice to see you coming by!

by jean at November 3, 2003 8:14 PM

Lockheed, where have you been?? Glad to see you still have computer access; I guess that means you are not bankrupted yet. "Joseph" will be thrilled you're back, you're like, his favorite commentor.

by Linz at November 4, 2003 9:21 AM


by Joseph at November 4, 2003 1:54 PM

Yes, I am brilliant.

by mg at November 4, 2003 1:59 PM

comments are closed