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doyce

Winner: 'Holy Sweet Crap that's Creepy' Award

by doyce at 04:41 PM on October 24, 2003

A one-year-old boy has been bitten 30 times by a group of more than a dozen other babies at a nursery in Croatia.

Frane Simic was covered in a series of deep bite wounds all over his body, including his face, attacked after the class nanny stepped out of the room to change another baby's nappy.

Dr Sime Vuckov, head of the hospital in Rijeka which treated the boy, was found later in an abandoned parking lot nearby, staring into the middle distance. "Biting between young children is not uncommon," he said, possibly taking a deep, deep pull from a bottle of unlabeled Chechnyan vodka and wiping beads of sweat from his forehead. "But I've just... I've never seen anything like this."

Police have launched an inquiry into the biting frenzy but admit they are clueless as to the babies' reasons for attacking.

"Right now, we've narrowed it down to two basic possibilities," said Olga Shevchenko, Senior Officer of Demonic Infant Activities, in a prepared statement. "One," she said, extending an index finger that had been partially bitten off during an investigation in late 2001, "the child is some kind of living dimensional vortex who will eventually mature into his native power and destroy the majority of the coastal countries along the Aegean Sea in a bid for power - the other children were merely acting instinctively to destroy the evil they intuitively sensed, or Two: the child was the newest inductee into a secretive toddler cabal and was proving his loyalty to the group. We see that sort of thing all the time."

"I don't know," one caregiver at the school commented, holding a hand-rolled cigarette to his lips with a shaking hand, "you expect this kind of thing in... Herzegovina or Montenegro, you know? Not here." He shook his head, as though trying to will the memory of the incident away. "Not in Croatia."

comments (12)

This post bites. Heh-heh. But you know I tend to lump all those places together, like the 'Stans.

by anna at October 24, 2003 5:50 PM


Oooh, neat new commenting features! Thanks MG!

by jean at October 24, 2003 8:20 PM


Wait, are you saying we aren't supposed to bite babies? This reminds me of an item on a list of "Things I wanted to say in public, but didn't for social etiquette reasons" that I've just started keeping with the intention of making a longer post out of it one day, but I'll share it now because it is so relevant.

Scene: Sitting on subway next to a mom and her young daughter, who was trying (and succeedlng) to suck on her own foot
Me: "I wish I could do that."
Mom's projected response: "Suck on your own toes?"
Me: "No, suck on your daughter's toes."

by mg at October 25, 2003 7:12 AM


That will be one helluva post. I too have been compiling such a list, of arrogant things parents do solely because they have kids: 1 Run me over with their strollers and fail to apologize. 2 Force me to fake interest in their interchangeable infant pix. That's all I've got so far.

by anna at October 25, 2003 8:10 AM


I'm disturbed, MG. How old is this theoretical daughter? I don't think I've ever seen a hot, young twenty-something attempt to suck on her toes.

I'm not saying I might not be just as guilty. I have this troubling fascination with Tom Felton (http://tomfelton.com/gallery.php, I think the new features don't work on IE for Mac). I'm thinking of starting a countdown timer for him, Natalie Portman-style. Tee hee!

by jean at October 25, 2003 4:51 PM


That story had been doctored terribly. The author has no idea about Croatia. Olga Shevchenko is a Russian name, not a Croat one. And you cannot get Chechniyan vodka in Croatia. And there is no widespread vodka problem in Croatia like there is in Russia. Bad form.

by Emma at October 27, 2003 2:39 PM


Well, obviously you can't get Chechniyan vodka in Croatia. What were you thinking Doyce?

by mg at October 27, 2003 3:05 PM


The demonic anti-messianic baby/occult toddler underground/Demonic Infant Activities investigator... THOSE are all perfectly ligitimate parts of Croatian heritage, but *man* did I commit a faux pas by including import vodka.

Shame. On. Me.

*"This scene has been doctored terribly."*

Umm... duh.

I went to the trouble of looking up funny-sounding bordering countries -- that's all the 'research' you get out of me, people.

by Doyce at October 27, 2003 5:59 PM


I want a posting category of "this scene has been horrible doctored" :)

by Doyce at October 27, 2003 6:07 PM


The only widespread vodka problem I know of is when it runs out. And isn't the story-doctoring deal Doyce's thing?

by anna at October 27, 2003 6:30 PM


who gives a fuck about story-doctoring? i'm more interested in vodka-doctoring.

by JC at October 27, 2003 7:56 PM


hellooooooooooooooooo

by amy parkes at January 6, 2006 5:42 AM



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