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the morning (for me) news

by mg at 12:11 PM on October 16, 2003

Last night there was an accident on the Staten Island Ferry. The ferry shuttles something like 60,000 passengers a day and is a tourist favorite, since for just 50 cents and a half hour out of your life, you get to float right past the Statue of Liberty get great views of lower Manhattan, and only have to physically be on Staten Island for about a minute before you can get on the boat the hell out of there.

The boat's pilot fled from the scene of the accident and was found at his home and reportedly had tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head with a BB gun. The boat crashed into the dock, ripping a huge gash in the boat while killing ten and injuring more than forty more, which is no laughing matter. Still, I’m not sure what the big deal is; fairy’s get blown in New York City on an hourly basis, and, more often than not, they are left with a huge bloody hole.

The pope celebrated his 25th anniversary as, uhm, the pope this week. Is it just me, or does anyone else think it’s time for ol’ popey to step down? At this point the poor guy can barely keep his head up. It’s one thing to bow your head in prayer, but it’s just sad when you’re so feeble the weight of your giant pointy hat keeps you stooped lower than Alanis Morissette in a movie theater.

If the pope is finally allowed to step down then Donald Rummsfeld can take over, since we all know he is the one running things in the Vatican anyway. Oh, wait, I was thinking of the U.S. government, not the Catholic Church.

With the Cubs losing game 7 to the Marlins last night, how long do you think it will be before the fan that reached out for the foul ball in the eight inning of game five ends up mysteriously dead? Now, Cubs fans are used to losing, so I don’t think any of them would be so distraught as to take the fellow out, but I could certainly see police finding him a couple days from now with a self-inflicted BB gunshot to the skull.

Either that, or he can expect Rupert Murdoch’s personal hit man (and please don’t try to tell me Fox Empire’s impresario doesn’t have a personal hit man) to come knocking on his door late one night. The program directors at Fox have got to be pooping in their Armani slacks this morning, because, despite the fact that the Marlin’s have been the most exciting team this post-season, I can’t imagine a bigger snore-fest than a Marlins vs. Red Sox/Yankees World Series. The Marlins can’t manage to garner fan enthusiasm in Miami, much less grab the imagination of the country and shake it like a Swedish nanny. The final game of the Yankees vs. Red Sox series is tonight. Unfortunately, I can’t skip class tonight and watch since there are only three other students in the class, and my absence would be incredibly conspicuous.

If the Yankees win (which, come on, is pretty damn assured), the world can let out a sigh of relief, since the possibility of either the Cubs or Sox winning a World Series is one of the signs of the apocalypse, and foregoing a series win by either of those teams in 2003 will ensure the world goes on for at least another year.

Earlier this week China launched their first manned spacecraft into orbit, making them only the third nation to do so. Or did they? They are so damned secretive over there, they didn’t allow Western press to get a view of the launch or touch down, and the pictures they are revealing sure look a lot like publicity stills from the set of Chinese television’s version of Galaxy Quest.

comments (10)

I saw that story, about Staten Island, on fox news. The fellow shot himself in the stomach with a pellet rifle. A freakin pellet rifle! C'mon man. You're in NYC. If you want to die there are a lot of surer ways to go about it. Jump off a skyscraper, smack a gang member and call his momma a punk, march down the street in a Red Sox uniform screaming about how the Yankees suck ass, or take a cab ride with Akbar Abdulla Hussein Ablebabi. The list could go on forever. For God's sake if all of that fails drink some water straight from the Hudson. That should do the trick.

by Ezy at October 16, 2003 1:25 PM

I don't mean to point out the obvious, but MAN do I feel bad for that Cubs fan. Good god.

by Linz at October 16, 2003 3:49 PM

Yankees Suck!!!!

by thefanwhodares at October 16, 2003 4:13 PM

MG that's some of the funniest shit I've read in a while. As for that Cubs fan, screw those fans. Fact is their team had the game in hand and then allowed a doubleheader's worth of runs by them in one inning. That wasn't his fault, it was theirs.

by anna at October 16, 2003 5:24 PM

Go Red Sox!

by andrew at October 16, 2003 7:28 PM

Yeah! Go Red Sox!! Oh wait. They lost. Hahaha. Suckers.

Hey MG, why is this MG guy? Is he new? Is LINZ hiring new writers? I didn't see the announcement.

Anyhoo... I agree with MG -- my people shouldn't be putzing around in space. What's the point? They should spend all of their scientific resources on genetically engineering future Yao Ming's. It would kick ass if seven and a half feet all Chinese dudes were all over the NBA.

by Eviltom at October 17, 2003 8:44 AM

Well, the time-space continuum is safe once again, as both the Cubs and Sox blow eigth inning leads to ensure that both team's fans will have to dust off that ol' chestnutt "Wait 'till next year." No we're stuck with a Yanks / Marlins Series, which, if I were a betting man, I'd have lost a lot of money already.

by mg at October 17, 2003 9:37 AM

speaking of time, not space, let me ask a question in a roundabout sort of way:

there's an older woman in the office right now fixing the copiers. frm behind, as i approached her, she looked both much younger, and much more attractive. she obviously dresses younger than her age, yet as i walked up i knew she was older before she turned around. not older, but much older. like late forties older when i was thinking more like late twenties/early thirties. it wasn't her face. as i said, she had yet to turn. it was an obnoxious amount of perfume. so my question is....why must women wear more and more perfume as they grow older? is it to mask the aroma of decay? does that have a smell? is there a lady who can answer this? perhaps a toilet smell pusher from one of those department store make-up boutiques?

by lajoie at October 17, 2003 1:49 PM

I can attest to the older woman / more perfume phenomenon ( I so wish I could spell). My grandmother, god rest her soul, used to pour on so much perfume, mixed with the excesive ammounts of aerosole hair spray, that she'd be surrounded by a noxious chemical cloud. Howver, my distast for perfume is universal, any is too much in my opinion. Yet, there is something strangely arrousing about walking by someone on the street (or wherever) and being left in the wake of their scent (if it isn't too overpowering).

Also, as for baseball, which I will refine to comments here instead of boring y'all with a full length post, after watching last night's game 7, I have to say the problem with both the Cubs and Sox is not any sort of curse, but poor managing. In both cases the game was lost because the managers didn't take out the starters early enough. This is a big deal, sure Pedro and Wood are your aces, but letting them pitch into the 8th in a game that'd put you into the World Series is just stupid. Still, the way the Yankees and Marlins have been playing, this should be much more interesting than it sounds.

by mg at October 17, 2003 2:59 PM

That Beckett kid on the Marlins has gorgeous eyes. Just saying ;)

by jean at October 18, 2003 1:40 AM

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