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effenheimer

Hot Beef Injection?

by effenheimer at 09:37 PM on October 04, 2003

In a final attempt to make Americans explode, the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association has begun to combat its number one foe in the fight for a place on your plate and in your belly. No, not Vegans. Chicken.
When it comes to America’s favorite cardinal sins, sloth beats gluttony and when it comes to “convenience foods,” chicken rules the roost. Beef is good, I mean, hey, it's what's for dinner ain't it? But apparently beef isn't fast enough. It doesn't microwave well and fly into our mouths covered in breading and ranch sauce they way a chicken wing or a chicken finer or a chicken nugget does. AND THAT WON'T FUCKING DO for the Beef Illuminati who want us sucking on beef all day long because the 60 pounds of beef the average American ISN'T ENOUGH!

Can you believe this shit?

Here is the real kicker. We still eat less chicken (only about 50 pounds a year), but we could be eating so much more beef if we'd only just try.

So these guys at the NCBA have an actual R&D RANCH they call it where they come up with ideas to sell even more beef. It is not enough for us to consume hamburgers for lunch and the occasional pot roast for dinner when there are many other opportunities for us to be eating beef, snacking on beef or even just thinking about beef when we aren’t eating or snacking on it. And don’t forget about veal! It’s the other, OTHER white meat! Don’t believe the tales of cruelty.
Some of the concepts (recipes) devised by the NCBA R&D Ranch posse (yee-ha!) include such potentially artery-popping fun foods as “cheeseburger fries” – ground beef and cheese that is breaded then fried or baked. Jalapeńos optional. Why have fries with your cheeseburger when you can have more cheeseburger with your cheeseburger? It’s only logical when you think about it.

“Philly cheese steak bits” appear to be pizza roll-type items, I can dig that, I mean, once the Pandora’s Box of pizza rolls were opened, anything goes.

“Country-fried steak tenders.” OH BOY! Just thinking about eating chicken fried steak while at the bar trying to get drunk makes me want to effin' puke.

They've also come up with “Sante Fe sticks” (your guess is as good as mine I don't know what the fuck that could be) and “beef and bacon bleu cheese wedges” – for some odd reason they DONT make me wanna puke. I like bleu cheese. I like bacon.

What's Next? Tired of Gatorade? Try gravy as a sports drink. How about one-a-day, vitamin-enriched beef smoothies? Worried about giving out candy at Halloween? What’s wrong with kabobs? I see coffee-flavored ice cream, why not pot roast?

Frankly, the R&D Ranch-hands have overlooked some of the less morally questionable NON-FOOD uses of beef that could be just as lucrative, if you ask me. Beef jerky doesn’t have to be just a high-sodium treat any more, now it can be the perfect concealed weapon. Avoid metal detectors and feel safe in dark parking garages with jerky nunchuks, throwing stars and two-by-fours made from dried whole-beef tenderloin.

Don’t tell me a car can run on corn and not jus, because I’m buying that. And once we get our cars revved up with it, what’s to say we can’t make alcohol from beef products?

Of course all of this will be moot so long as we have nothing faster to cook beef in than a microwave. We need to get our cooking times down to 10 seconds, because all this waiting around for a full minute is just bullshit. HEY THAT'S BEEF!

comments (17)

I moved to the US about a month ago (from the UK). Americans have embraced beef in an impressive way, and I, for one, think it's great. Beef is great. Hamburgers are great. And beef with the *other* great thing about America is even better: liquid cheese. Mmm.

by And at October 5, 2003 12:00 AM


Strangely enough, whenever I hear Aaron Copland I want to say "it's what's for dinner" ...

Maybe they just need to work on exporting to Italy. I see lots and lots of pork, but not much beef.

by snaggle at October 5, 2003 7:58 AM


the beef industry probably just had the scientist killed who announced that beef and veal have the highest amount of these little protein-a-ma-bobbies that are found in, and linked to tumor growth. and all this with arnold temporarily unavailable for soundbites like 'eet's notta toomah".

alas, my vote for the expansion of the beef industry will porobably never catch on... beefume. celebrate your diet by smelling more like it. the first scent to be mass produced: beef wind.

by lajoie at October 5, 2003 1:16 PM


of course hamburgers rock and nothing quite beats a steak for a luxurious meal but when it comes to pure unadulterated flavor, PORK RULES! are you kidding me? hotdogs, sausages, sauces, time and time again, it is pork fat. you know what makes clam chowder so damn good? it's got bacon fat in it. i should look and see how much pork people eat because its gotten a bad rap like its somehow fattier that other meats. Sure American bacon is all fat and the ribs well sure, but pork loin, chops. they aren't hard to cook without drying out because they are fatty, it's because they are super lean.

american bison is three times leaner than white meat chicken, can you dig that? and tasty too. I talked to a guy the other day whose buying 10 of them. and i know people who will only eat venison. that's pretty good too, a little gamey, but soak it in milk and it takes that right out.

by eff at October 5, 2003 2:27 PM


In the mid-90s they were saying that the next Big Meat was going to be emu. People actually bought herds of the damn things and now are left holding the bag. I think they should just turn them loose and see what happens.

by anna at October 6, 2003 6:42 AM


There will be emutiny!

by Linz at October 6, 2003 7:52 AM


That alternative meat craze was a big thing up in Alberta. Lots people paid thousands to import emus and ostrichs that are worth hundreds today.


The other big resurgence is Bison (Buffalo, whatever). That market went up through the roof and has now settled a bit, at least people can still sell the things, unlike the big bird people.


Of course nothing beats a steak. Not pork, chicken etc. I have to get lots of that in while I'm still young with low cholesterol. Once the arteries harden up a bit, I'll have to eat more of the white meat, and the "other" white meat.

by chuckwoolery at October 6, 2003 9:55 AM


Has anyone read My Year of Meats? Great book that will make you not want to eat as much beef.

by Leaffin at October 6, 2003 1:33 PM


Up here we are going through (tail end of right now) a little scare of Mad Cow disease. Caused the border to the states to slam closed until we could offer some assurances we weren't sending infected animals down. Since more than half of the Province's production heads over the border that put a real kink in the industries profitability.


The answer up here was that Albertan's should start eating a tremendous amount of Beef. The same animals that could no longer go across the border in the states. Of course.


The beef consumption in the province? Up considerably. Its more of a sport I guess.

by chuckwoolery at October 6, 2003 2:33 PM


emu is actually quite tasty. i ran across a ranch and had to buy some to try it out, and i must say i was pleasantly surprised. in fact, if it was carried at my local supermarket, i'd buy it frequently.
you know what else is good? turtle. i recently traveled to the cayman islands, where it's legal to eat them. (there's a turtle farm on grand cayman that releases x percent and uses the rest for meat and such.) of course i had to try a turtle burger, and it was highly enjoyable. i'm not sure if it was simply due to the spices they'd cooked into the patty, or natural flavor, but if you get a chance, give it a shot.

by JC at October 6, 2003 6:15 PM


Gator is good too. I eat it at Chez Marc, my favorite French bistro. Tastes 'jes like chicken.

by anna at October 7, 2003 6:32 AM


Never had turtle, but i'd eat it. I have no food prejudices although swallows nest sounds gross. it's an actual swallows nest. it's held together with swallow spit.

I've eaten brains before and I just thought they were nasty like bland dry stuffing, kind of liver tasting.

Gator IS good, but I had mine in New Orleans covered in red sauce. I scraped off the sauce so i could taste the gator and it was very very light. flaky like good fish with a decidedy chicken-y flavor like really juicy and flavorful white meat.

Raw oysters rock, but I think they are almost pedestrian these days. love mine with horseradish and lemon and just slurp!

Not a fan of octopus either, but I think it was the way it was prepared. it was rubbery as hell at this korean place. might have been raw for all I know. squid is cool though. I love getting people I know wouldnt want to try squid to eat it. when its breaded and fried, it looks like an onion ring. once people eat it, theya re like, hmmm, it looked like an onion ring, but I think its white like cheese. I just keep smiling.

snails smell like dirt but dont taste like much.

by eff at October 7, 2003 10:38 AM


I was a young lad spending the summer at my aunt's ranch in the Sierras. A four foot rattler appeared and she told me to blow it's head off, which I did. All the neighbors came from miles around to enjoy rattlesnake filets. I couldn't eat it cuz I knew I'd killed it. What a wimp I am.

by anna at October 7, 2003 5:27 PM


Have any of you seen the beef industry's attempt to mind-control little girls? It's at http://www.cool-2b-real.com. It has games, a party zone, chat, e-cards for your "real" friends, and wow, propaganda about beef! There's an essay contest, the rules of which read:

"Visit the What it Means to be Real Contest page and submit an essay about what you think it means to be real, what your favorite beef meal is, the ways you stay active and your KidsCom Club Info. You may enter once a week."

Several rubes, I mean kids-- I mean shills, have already won. One of them said:

"Beef. YUM!! Why did you ask that? I can't decide. Well, I guess I can just pick one. I would have to say tacos. I love tacos. My mom makes the best tacos ever. But besides that I like to eat them at 'Taco Bell' or 'Taco Time' MMMMMM.......They are so good!"

Really disturbing.

by jean at October 9, 2003 3:01 AM


that reminds me of a simpsons episode where lisa's pronounced vegetarianism causes her teacher to reach below her desk and hit the 'independant thought' alarm button. next thing, the meat industry is showing propaganda films to the students and serving complementary tripe.

by lajoie at October 9, 2003 10:37 AM


that web site is effed up propaganda shit for sure. Real girls eat beef, they don't throw up or obsess about being fat, they just give into their urges to swallow beef, sometime whole cows even.

by eff at October 9, 2003 11:41 AM


Beef is really gross and it's really bad for you. The last time I ate beef I was sick in bed all day throwing up. The beef was throughly cooked, but my healthy stomach couldn't handle it. Tests show that eating too much beef leads to stomach cancer. It's your choice......

by Me at June 18, 2005 1:38 PM



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