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Girls just wanna have fun!

by anna at 06:41 PM on October 02, 2003

The following was posted by my wicked twin annA.

You'll find no porn at my house. We don't even have tasteful nudes on our walls. You'd sooner find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. My wife hates smut and I respect her wishes. But even if I didn't, our humble abode would still be bereft of porn. When it comes to finding it, she's like a heat-seeking missile.

The closest I come to porn these days is hearing adult stars on the Howard Stern Show. One of them was on there this AM, prattling on about her latest venture. Seems she both directed and starred in a rather hard-core affair. She claims that today's audiences demand rough action and such innovations as....double anal. Yes, two guys pummeling a bucking lass back there at the same time.

This simply floored me, because I'd never heard of such a thing. Isn't it about as far from lovemaking as you could get? And putting aside the daunting logistical challenge this feat presents, isn't it more than a bit gay? She says no, it's a sensual experience like aroma therapy.

For some reason I am reminded of a picture I once saw of a toothless woman with a whole pack of hot dogs crammed into her mouth by parties unknown.

In a related matter, I once attended a bachelor party where they showed what must be the world's oldest porno flick. It's to today's slick smut as hieroglyphics are to weblogs. Shot in grainy 17 mm film, it involves a homely farm girl who totes a pail out to the barn. But this maiden's in no mood for milking, so she coaxes a dog and a pig into banging her. Then she wanders listlessly back into the house and that's it. Has anyone else ever seen this unspeakable dollop of perversion or perhaps, worse?

As for more conventional cinematic fare, I'd recommend Wonderland. I've read the Esquire article it's based on. It chronicles Johnny "Wad" Holmes' swift descent into madness, addiction and ultimately murder. Tawdry stuff indeed, but you can rest assured that with the armadillo he had stuffed into his trousers, he never engaged in any double anal action. Ouch!

Cautionary author's note: Whatever you do, don't form a mental picture of that in your mind unless you want it etched permanently in your memory banks as it is in mine.

comments (13)

this disgusting image in my head tells me it's too late...

i went to a party very recently involving porn. actually it had a hot tub involving porn. turns out a folded-back tub cover is a perfect projection screen for some grainy old 8mm porn. there was no sound, just a young patricia hearst taking it everywhich way but out. add to that the warm bubbly water, a brisk evening and a few cans of tepid tecate mexi-brew. all in all, a respectable night spent.

btw, porn for all it's pro's is really nothing compared to a good memory, a detailed imagination or a slippery amalgam of the two.

by lajoie at October 2, 2003 7:05 PM

Agreed on that last point but memories get worn out and blurry. Did you say a young patricia hearst as in the newspaper heiress?

by anna at October 2, 2003 8:06 PM

the box said something along the lines of "see what else patricia hearst did during her kidnapping", or thereabouts. could have been an actress with same porn name. the box was green. perhaps you can find another. truthfully, it wasn't so amazing, though i was somewhat surprised to see that the concept of the 'moneyshot' predates the 1970's.

by lajoie at October 2, 2003 8:19 PM



by lizard at October 3, 2003 1:46 AM

next time anna, you should really put the cautionary author's note at the beginning of the post, not at the end. damn you, double anal imagery!!! btw, does this chick have to wear a buttplug to keep from soiling herself, or what? i can't imagine someone's anus being elastic enough to snap back to normal after a rogering of that magnitude...cautionary author's note: you probably shouldn't have read that. ;-p

by JC at October 3, 2003 10:29 AM

Thanks Anna. Thanks JC.


by Linz at October 3, 2003 12:38 PM

Double anal is, like, so early 90s. Double nostril is all the rage these days.

by Ezy at October 3, 2003 3:17 PM

" i can't imagine someone's anus being elastic enough to snap back to normal after a rogering of that magnitude"

You obviously don't watch much anal porn.

by mg at October 3, 2003 4:05 PM

dub-nasal is sooo last night.
tonight's menu: trip-ocular

i'll let you all know if my eyes snap back. elastically.

by lajoie at October 3, 2003 5:24 PM

Sorry 'bout the misplaced disclaimer, y'all. But just imagine my shock 'n horror while searching for light-hearted snuff film links. I got led into a site that features "the most violent rapes ever captured on tape." No way am I providing linkage to that crap.

I didn't click on anything so hopefully I didn't pick up any cookies or whatever you call those things.

by anna at October 3, 2003 7:00 PM

is it even possible that 'light-hearted' links to snuff films exist? try googling "rape and blood and ejaculatory necro-asphyxiation and the smurfs".

that's where i'd start.

by lajoie at October 4, 2003 4:19 PM

That search on google returns:

Your search - rape and blood and ejaculatory necro-asphyxiation and the smurfs - did not match any documents.

unfotrunately a little too specific I guess.

by chuckwoolery at October 6, 2003 2:35 PM

Good. I'm still reeling from the rape site. Who the hell takes the time to put that crap up on the net?

One time a friend of mine wanted a facial. Imagine her surprise at the search result.

by anna at October 6, 2003 5:14 PM

comments are closed