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Crimes and Mr. Mean Ones

by effenheimer at 06:07 PM on October 14, 2003

Those of you who spent some time in Iowa almost know how bad "the Husker Bullshit" can be. But trust me, unless you live on the border where Nebraska media unashamedly bombard the airwaves with Husker bullshit, you have no idea how ridiculous these fucks can be.

I don't really follow sports, but I do hate people who won't shut the fuck up about the god damn Huskers, who wear Husker gear when they go out to the bars or who get all defensive when a Husker commits an egregious, antisocial act.
A Nebraska football player committed a crime of violence last weekend, but this time it was against a man! And in public!
Kellen Huston, a Nebraska place-kick holder – a position more closely associated with Lucy van Pelt than football media coverage – appears to have intentionally struck a Missouri fan who was running onto the field just as the player was scurrying back to the Nebraska locker room in shame and frustration Saturday night.
Now, I didn’t hear about Huston’s allegedly “brutal assaulting” of an innocent, possibly drunken, Missourian until Tuesday because I was too busy having a life this weekend to care, but I heard that the Huskers lost. I was driving down the main drag in Omaha on my way back from the Big&Tall store when I saw hundreds of people wailing and gnashing their teeth. Curious about this archaic display of sorrow, I asked some dillweed what the problem was: “Lo, dude in the Husker gear, what be-eth thy problem?”
And he did say back unto me, “The Huskers hath fallen, oh why, why, why? Ooooohhhh, why?!”
After some prodding, I found out the score was 41-24, which, to my way of thinking isn’t so much a loss as a smiting.
Huston’s alleged “fan assault” has caused the usual amount of Nebraska brain-farting as newscasters, coaches and fans alike try to make this incident sound as though it is not only NOT the fault of the Husker player who – “all worked up” after such an intense game full of place-kick holding – clothes-lined a civilian, but is in fact the fault of the guy who was punched, whose nose was broken and who was knocked out on the field as his assailant fled the scene of the crime like a thug.
“The Missouri fans shouldn’t have been on the field any way!” Hey, fans take to the fields especially after they beat a team they haven’t beaten in a long time or in the case of a bowl-game victory as any Husker fan well knows.
“The fan was drunk.” Was he? I haven’t seen that evidence, but assuming he was, so what, he didn’t hit anyone. And the last time I checked, someone’s just being drunk didn’t mean they were asking for it, but then I can see why the average Husker player would think that it does mean that, at least with their female victims.
“The Missouri fans were being bad fans.” Oh yes, we hear this one every year. Anyone who has the temerity to cheer for a team besides the Huskers is technically a bad fan. Anyone who cheers loudly for their own team, especially when the Huskers are traveling, really upsets Huskers and their fans.
“The Missouri fans shouldn’t have been on the field.” Yeah, because fans NEVER, EVER take to the field anywhere else. Huston probably thought he was being attacked and just wanted to defend himself lest he miss the regular end of the game prayer meeting. Fans take to the field, that’s what they do, not all the time, but regularly and this was one of those justified occasions..
“Nebraska coach Frank Solich is investigating the alleged assault.” What is he a private dick? No, but as a long-time fan of the Father Dowling Mysteries, he might as well be. I’m sure the Missouri police as well as “the alleged victim” are satisfied that that Nebraska coach Solich will do his best to root out the true culprit just as soon as some of the furor over “the alleged assault” dies down.
CBS, I think I have a new hit show for you, “HuskerCSI.” It would be a show where Nebraska coach Frank Solich goes around trying like crazy to “solve” all of the crimes his players are accused of using all of his scientific technical expertise to “take of it” week after week.
“Kellen Huston was just all pumped up after a hard game. Adrenaline got the better of him.” Adrenaline has nothing to do with the place-kick holder’s life. The water boy has a harder job. In fact, the place-kick holder shares the same rank as his plastic counter-part, “that thing the ball sits on during kick-off.”
Unlike the average Husker fan, I actually used to play football and the assumption that after a game, one is so pumped up that one is, for all practical purposes, unable to tell right from wrong or legally insane is highly inaccurate to say the least. You can argue there is a big difference between high school and college ball and I would agree. College players should be much better at controlling their tempers than a bunch of adolescents since they aren't pumped up on hormones – at least not naturally occurring ones.

comments (14)

college sports to some people, is like life replacement surgery. maybe i'd watch a new tv show, where intelligent people question why the local dim-folk need tune out their own lives in exchange for an entire weekend watching a bunch of young, froth-mouthed fuckabouts date raping their way from the frat house to the football field, and why these couch slouchers live and die with their every play (not to mention unconsciously compare their sweatpantsed body parts to the shapelier versions on t.v., but not in a gay way..no)

and i sort of like sports.

by lajoie at October 14, 2003 6:56 PM

This-all meshes with my latest theory, that generally people have a limited capacity for dealing with reality. We need to filter some of it out: set up some denial, become a bigot, obsessively follow the Bennifer relationship, etc.

Football (American) is SUCH the gay sport, isn't it? I'm especially noticing it this year as I watch the players strutting around the field in their shiny tights, flexing their massive flanks and occasionally having them palpitated by other males. Jiggle just like jello, hah!

by jean at October 15, 2003 3:42 AM

While I can't condone the behavior of the Husker player, if you're a fan and choose to rush the field, run right by the defeated players and, maybe, throw out a little ribbing then you're fair game. The problem with that video is that you only see the punch thrown and nothing that transpired before. Huston is a bone-head for letting his temper affect him in that manner and showing such a lack of sportsmanship there's no doubting that. Shit, if it was me getting knocked out, I'd be more pissed that it was the freakin place kick holder that did it. C'mon. That's worse than getting knocked out by your grandma.

by Ezy at October 15, 2003 9:04 AM

as luck would have it, my grandmother held kicks for the '42 giants. i'll refer you to her.

by lajoie at October 15, 2003 10:19 AM

This brings to mind all the hullabloo after the Red Sox / Yankees game this weekend. Depending whether you were in New York or Boston, the whole set of incidents had a completly different meaning. Was the 70 year-old Zimmer at fault for charging Pedro, or was Pedro at fault for shoving a 70 year-old man to the ground? The "unbiased" sports announcers declared the whole situation disgraceful. Me, I consider it good wholesome education, and if the MLB wants to up its ratings, we should see more out fo shape elderly people fighting.

by mg at October 15, 2003 10:42 AM

That whole situation was ridiculous. What the fuck is a 70 year old snapper-head doing throwing a punch at a guy more than half his age. Hello? You're gonna lose. Then again, when is it ok to throw a 70 year old man down? He should've pulled down his depends, embarrased him and left it at that.

by Ezy at October 15, 2003 11:08 AM

This doesn't have to do with fighting, but howzabout that Cubs fan that screwed up the catch at last night's game? That is some great tragicomedy.

by jean at October 15, 2003 2:21 PM

That was just pitiful Jean. Poor damn Cubs are cursed for sure. Five outs away and your own fan screws up a play to end the inning. Tragic is right. The Cubs did have a chance to get out of things but Alex Gonzalez, their shortstop, botched the double play. The fan played a part but the Cubs defense came undone down the stretch. Can't blame it all on him although everyone from Chicago will.

by Ezy at October 15, 2003 2:44 PM

Pedro found himself in a classic no-win situation, like when a woman physically attacks a man. Not that I'd know about that, mind you.

by anna at October 15, 2003 5:01 PM

Oh, that Zimmer is built like a little cannonball, too! It's not like Martinez was attacked by, say, George Bush, Sr. Now that's a senior citizen. I couldn't believe Zimmer is as old as he is once I got a good look at him. He sure doesn't look 70.

In other-league news, it looks like the Bambino still hates the Red Sox. This curse business ain't no joke!

by jean at October 17, 2003 3:56 AM

Baseball players are so suspicious that as soon as anything happens that looks like it means bad news, they shit themselves and tank. there was no good reason for the cubs to biff their chances becasue of one guys fuck up (which wasnt even a fuckup really), but every body panics. ITS THE CURSE! Then they lose the lead because they blew it mentally. It's like voodoo. Who do? You do? What? Remind me of the man!

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