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Bad Sam Meets the Catty Ratings Whore

by anna at 08:33 PM on October 30, 2003

There we are, on the set of Primetime Live, summoned to help 'splain the blog phenomenon to Diane Sawyer. Makeup people are busily applying rouge to her surgically taut cheeks. Under the harsh klieg lights we look like squinty-eyed prairie dogs wrested from their underground lairs.

Diane: So MG, you launched Bad Sam back in 2000. A heady time on the 'Net, no? It seemed like anything was possible.
MG: Yeah it was.
Diane: You sure seem to have a lot of time on your hands. You wander around Queens snapping pix of urinals and accidents. You watch Arab men unload strange meats from their cars. Have you got something against Arabs?
MG: Not at all. Some of my best friends are...
Diane: Lovely. Linz, you write about your experiences as a 25 year old vixen in the Atlanta dating scene.
Linz: Well, I write about a variety of...
Diane: What about that time some guy bent you over the railing on your balcony? Do you have a touch of exhibitionisn in you?
Linz: No. My apartment is on the sixth floor and it was dark. Plus, it wasn't just some guy, it was...
Diane: Whatever. Lizard, you're afraid of grocery stores. What's up with that?
Lizard: It's not that I'm afraid of them, and that was just a passing reference I made. I write about a lot of matters of cosmic significance like...
Diane: So your parents used to abuse you in the dairy aisle. Now getting back to you MG. How do you support yourself?
MG: I used to work as a website designer and I saved up...
Diane: So you deal drugs to schoolgirls, then.
MG: I don't even use...
Diane: Effenheimer, you have a real day job as a columnist. Don't you ever worry that your editor will log on and find you complaining about what an untalented moron she is?
Eff: Not really, she can't even arrange her icons on...
Diane: Does she mind that you show up for work drunk?
Eff: That was just one time and everyone was...
Diane: Fascinating. Anna, aside from MG, you've---how do you say---posted more entries than anyone else. I guess you too have a lot of time on your hands.
Anna: Oh no, I'm very busy, what with soccer and...
Diane: You seem obsessed with rape and violence.
Anna: Those are some of the things I write about but it's not like I go around...
Diane: You're a man. Why do you call yourself Anna?
Anna: It's a long story. I...
Diane: We don't have time for that. Now Linz, I see that you once rubbed a man's bulge through his pants. Was it big?
Linz: Well, I'd say it was average. But you're making it out like...
Diane: You blonde hussy. I bet the carpet doesn't match the drapes. Now MG, it seems like Bad Sam is an insular world. There are like, twelve people who visit your site and most of those double as writers.
MG: We've gotten a million distinct hits. I've got more statistics right he...
Diane: So Ezy, you dig satanists?
Ezy: No, I have a steady girlfriend named...
Diane: Sure you do. Now Mr. Blank, you draw cartoons?
Mr. Blank: I prefer to think of it as art.
Diane: Art, sh-mart. Coming up on Primetime, Rob Lowe tries to promote his oh-so-serious Legal Drama but I keep bringing up that saucy video he shot with a minor. And Rush Limbaugh tries to discuss his new book but I grill him about his OxyContin addiction. All that and Comment Envy when we return.
Linz: You bitch, I can see your brown roots. We bare our souls for all to see and this is the thanks we get?!
Director: That's a wrap. Brilliant work, Diane. We'll edit out that last outburst.

comments (21)


I believe one of my comments even made it in there. If Diane had done her homework, she would know the carpet is a couple shades darker than the drapes.

by chuckwoolery at October 30, 2003 10:11 PM

This is good.

by mg at October 30, 2003 11:30 PM

Glad y'all liked it. And yeah, Chuck, that was derived from your comment. I chose Sawyer because she just comes across as so smug and above-it-all, at least to me. That bleach-blonde bitch.

by anna at October 31, 2003 7:51 AM

Brilliantly done Anna and damn funny. Diane Sawyer. Sheesh. We'd all rip her to shreds. Poor woman.

by Ezy at October 31, 2003 9:41 AM

This IS very good.

by MrBlank at October 31, 2003 10:36 AM

Diane: Anna, you play a lot of Fifa...and is it true your coked out friends once raped a priest?
Anna: Umm yes.. i mean, yes i do play a lot of Fifa, but my friends ne...
Diane: Yes i believe you. Ezy, you were int the Army right? You must have killed a lot of people with you bare hands...

by lajoie at October 31, 2003 12:40 PM

that was me shamelessly trying out mg's new comments features...and typing like a drunk horse.

anna, clever post. it had me a-smilin'.

happy halloweens to you all....

by lajoie at October 31, 2003 12:44 PM

Better Diane than Baba Wawa. Nicely done. Best thign I've read all day. Can't wait to see the Bad Sam screenplay.

by chris at October 31, 2003 1:01 PM

Is being an abusive interviewer better than being too soft? Katie Couric, during her "exlusive" interview with Elizabeth Smart, actually asked "Did this change you?" and didn't even alluded to whether Smart performed any wifely duties.

by mg at October 31, 2003 1:07 PM

if diane does come on here, and as ezy said, we do rip her to shreds...
i call the rib meat!

by lajoie at October 31, 2003 1:55 PM

I'll take the flank steak. Mmmmmmmm flank steak.

MG, I think the attitude of the interviewer has a lot to do with their show and audience. You're not going to get the same interview from Larry King as you would get from Katie Couric. I think the majority of all media talent types are really just jackals at heart. They would love the chance to ask the tough questions but are limited by their show's audience and the threat of ratings.

by Ezy at October 31, 2003 2:28 PM

Funny how Sawyer, Wawa, Couric, Maria Shriver and all the other news-mag babes share one trait: they're what used to be known as handsome women. Not ugly or asexual by any means but not someone you'd want to see on Naked News either.

And speaking of murdered priests, did that guy up in MA get away with the perfect crime or what? Just what will they do to him, give him another life sentence?

by anna at October 31, 2003 6:36 PM

Brilliant, Anna! I was laughing all the way.

by jean at October 31, 2003 9:17 PM

I wouldn't mind seeing Katie Couric naked.

by mg at November 1, 2003 7:37 AM

What, no mention of me in the post? Hurt! Hurt I am, hurt! I leave the country and everyone forgets about me. Harumph.

That aside, I was crackin' up. Especially since I just recently met Diane Sawyer in Rome.

by snaggle at November 2, 2003 7:14 AM

Cool pix. Actually Snaggle you were in the 1st draft. You said something about your sexual orientation being incidental to your writing and Diane snippily dismissed you as the token gay guy on this site. But it didn't flow real well so I left it out. Rayanne and Doyce were too.

by anna at November 2, 2003 12:14 PM

Oh, God. That's just...dumb, but in a very good way. The ending pulls it all together. Ah, man, that's just plain funny. Sometimes you really scare me.

by Ian at November 2, 2003 6:25 PM

Well, at least I made a draft. :)

by snaggle at November 3, 2003 2:21 AM

Now that's a picture to show the grandkids! How'd that happen, Snaggle?

by jean at November 3, 2003 5:33 AM

Snaggle, you are one foxy mofo... DAMN!

Anna, this was absolutely hysterical. I've wondered the same thing about Eff... he's bold, or stupid, can't decide. [decision contingent on a positive interpretation of his comment about the authors on this BLOG] Chuck, thanks for remembering. I'm a dirty blonde, naturally.

by Linz at November 3, 2003 9:59 AM

So there Chuck, somebody else broke the 20 comment barrier. But it doesn't count because I had to put my son up to saying something.

by anna at November 3, 2003 6:33 PM

comments are closed