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Thought Crimes and You

by anna at 06:29 PM on June 24, 2003

With the Supreme Court’s 5-4 vote to uphold racial preferences in college admissions, I thought it appropriate to spring the following pop quiz on y’all. Please answer honestly and record your C-score (total number of questions answered “C”) below.

You see a black man running down the street clutching a big-screen TV. You assume:
A) He has just stolen the TV.
B) The police won’t be far behind.
C) This is a new exercise fad.

You go to a Japanese steak house. Instead of the usual staid Oriental guy who spins the eggs, tosses prawns around and slices up the meat, a jive-talking brother appears. He’s sharpening his knives with wild, darting eyes. “Yo, yo, yo whassit you be jonesing fo’ to-NIGHT---some spare ribs, perchance” he asks with a tooth-baring grin.
A) This ruins the whole experience. The food doesn’t taste nearly as good as it usually does, so you stiff him on the tip.
B) The food isn’t bad but you’re afraid he plans to stab you with those knives in the parking lot.
C) You figure this must have something to do with affirmative action.

Your son makes the finals of a spelling bee. The finalist are him, an Asian and a blonde. You’re thinking:
A) My kid doesn’t stand a chance against the clever Asian.
B) At least he’ll beat out the ditzy blonde.
C) Everyone stands an equal chance.

A black woman is running down the street afire. You figure:
A) She set herself ablaze while freebasing the old fashioned way.
B) Another tenement must have been torched for insurance money.
C) It’s a symbolic act of self-immolation to protest the Israeli occupation of Palestine.

Three Hispanic families move into the other half of your duplex. You:
A) Call a locksmith about getting deadbolts put on your doors.
B) Gripe that they’re probably going to park their low-rider cars on the lawn and blare mariachi music at all hours of the night because they don‘t have to get up for work the next morning.
C) Welcome the diversity your neighborhood so sorely lacks. Bake them a welcome cake.

A gaggle of Arabs pour out of a mosque waving their fists and shouting slogans. You’re thinking:
A) They are terrorists.
B) They probably aren’t wearing deodorant. You don’t want to find yourself downwind from them.
C) They’ve just heard a particularly inspiring sermon.

An actress is quoted as follows: “I know feminists are going to hate me for this, but I like to be possessed by a strong, confident man.” Your reaction:
A) I do too. My main purpose in life is to serve my man.
B) Damn right. Women should be kept barefoot and pregnant.
C) She must suffer from self-esteem issues. Maybe she’d benefit from electro-shock therapy.

You run across an Indian sobbing uncontrollably: You think:
A) What’s up with this? Aren’t those people supposed to be all stoic?
B) What with all the dough they’re making off casino gambling, he should be glad.
C) I should try to cheer him up.

You meet a guy and try to engage him in conversation about the local football team’s prospects. He doesn’t seem familiar with the roster and can’t name a single player. He does, however, display an impressive amount of knowledge about show tunes. You deduce:
A) That he’s gay.
B) That you don’t want to have unprotected sex with this character.
C) That he’s new in town and still roots for the team from his former home. And besides, sexual orientation doesn’t matter.

You’re dining with a woman. It’s a blind date. Between courses, she bares her breasts and begins coursing her nylon-clad toes up and down your thigh while licking her lips. You surmise:
A) That this chick must be a slut. You really must call all your friends so y’all can tag-team her. To paraphrase Frank Zappa, she’ll love it. It’s a way of life.
B) That this chick is a prostitute and possibly an IV drug user too. You don’t want to have unprotected sex with her.
C) That she’s a liberated woman who’s taken a sudden liking to you. You should treat her with utmost respect.

You see a handsome, middle-age woman draped on the arm of a twenty-something hunk. You’re thinking:
A) He’s a gigolo.
B) She must be rich. He’s humoring her just long enough to get his hands on her ATM card and PIN.
C) How cute! A May-December romance is abloom.

Scoring: If you answered “A” or “B” to all questions, then you are a despicable, racist, sexist, ageist, xenophobic pig. If you answered “C” to every question, then you are a right-thinking person if a tad naive. Or else you’re lying. If you answered a combination thereof, you’re like most people---progressive-minded but tainted by outdated attitudes.

comments (7)

Once again, a stellar post, Anna. I will comment more on it but it is 1230am est, I will also comment depending on my mood after tomorrows trading day(fed rate decision). I surely hope this post is received well and not something that you'll have to 'apologize' for to appease the simpletons or the chronically offended.

by LOCKHEED at June 24, 2003 11:32 PM

once again i must say well said LOCKHEED. Posts like these make me wonder why i ever got so lazy and busy I didnt' read anymore in the first place.

by LostSoul at June 25, 2003 12:37 AM

That spelling bee question totally offends me.

by A Natural Blonde at June 25, 2003 8:09 AM

Well, not quite that far, I'm at the office. However, as a 'clever asian', that spelling bee question is spot on.

Also, as a victim of Latino hibachi and sushi chefs, I must say, there is something to be said for the four or five years you're supposed to train for making rice. You taste it, and you feel it when it is done by someone who has the proper training.

And thank goodness we have 311 now to anonymously place complaint calls in the metro area. But of course the mariachi band will know it was me.

by quicksilver at June 25, 2003 9:44 AM

Only 3 families in the duplex, you must be kidding. They stack 'em in there like a cord of wood 'round these parts, 4 generations and 35 under 10 years old. Their density rivals a Beijing apartment building! But hey, you can't really compare Hispanics to the Chinese, the Chinese are usually significantly smaller and are more compressible (without complaining). However, in certain situations Hispanics can exceed the Chinese densities, but this usually involves some mysterious power stemming from the trunk shape of a Dodge Diplomat.

by Joseph at June 25, 2003 3:46 PM

What does *ROFLMAO* mean? I can gather from the context that it's good.

Also, the outcry Lock feared never materialized and I know why: the arrangement of the questions. The first two turned off those who'd squawk so much they just turned away. I should have put the breast-baring woman first and galvanized their attention.

As for the Hispanic density, I think there's three large families crammed in across the street. We have a running debate about whether one young lass from there once hit on me. She's never been seen outside since so I can't ask her. A cultural thing, my wife calls it.

by anna at June 25, 2003 5:36 PM

Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off! and completely off topic, it's hotter than hades out here today and i've been completely sapped of all will to work. luckily i'm off in an hour and can start imbibing cold ones on the train up to the giants/dodgers game...thank god for sweet, sweet beer.

by JC at June 25, 2003 5:44 PM

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