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The Season of Revenge: Son of Sam I Am

by effenheimer at 09:03 PM on June 20, 2003

“I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am vast and contain multitudes.” — Walt Whitman

Previously, I said the best way to live is to let things slide. Who knows, depending on my mood I might believe that again some day, but right now I want to reverse my position on sweet, sweet revenge.
Lately as I sit around my fashionably adorned flat contemplating how my life, void of satisfying personal relationships, is defined by my various, insurmountable personality defects which are attributable to figures who abused their position of trust vis-a-vis me, I have begun to think there is a fine line between letting things slide and being a wuss.
Anyone who has ever felt the satisfying crunch of their enemy’s teeth beneath their fist knows revenge might not be a cure all, but it sure feels good for that moment of triumph. What are laws but the triumph of order over chaos? Isn’t justice the socially acceptable form of societal punishment? What is karma after all but a universal balancing act of right and wrong? Who is to say that we are not in some small way responsible for getting our own payback? God helps those who help themselves.
Combine that bit of mental gymnastics with the fact there’s not much else to do here in the summer and you’ve got a recipe for FUN AND ADVENTURE! Can you smell it? Hell’s-a-poppin’! I am officially declaring summer 2003, The Season of Revenge.
Like most desperate loners, I keep a list of people who have wronged me since I was 5-years-old. Why not put my overactive imagination to work by finding creative ways to punish those who, in my admittedly twisted opinion, deserve it? If nothing else, it’s good material for future works of “fiction.”
Rationalization is important. I now realize what corporate executives, politicians and biker gangs have known for years, it’s not illegal unless you get caught. I mean, c’mon! Technically all forms of revenge are “harassment” and that CAN’T be right in the grand scheme of things. Plausible deniability is the next best thing to a rock solid alibi and a rock solid alibi is as good as innocence.
For example, if you had a college professor who asked you what grade you THOUGHT you deserved in that composition class then laughed as she gave you that grade because she KNEW Midwesterners ALWAYS undersell themselves then surely having her “subscribed” to every magazine, journal, newsletter, book club, record club, mailing list and pornographic Web site you could think of would be minor in comparison, wouldn’t it?
If some sack of equine waste product scratches your brand new car and drives off without so much as an apology and you find out his name and address, surely breaking into his house late at night, kidnapping him, locking him in a steamer trunk covered in quick-dry cement before tossing him into the Missouri River is only fair, right?
And if you find yourself at that 10-year high school reunion face to face with that big, old bully who once dangled you from the observation deck of the IDS building because you were “bugging him” then why not “zing” him with your superior verbal skills. Failing that, kick him in the teabag and run.
Revenge. It isn’t sweet. It’s SUH-WEEEEET!

comments (4)

There is something to be said for holding a grudge. Take the lifelong vendetta that Tim Daly's character in DINER gets to take out on an unexpecting childhood enemy. I hope that whatever you have planned doesnt involve death or dismemberment. Happy hunting.

by Iz at June 20, 2003 10:20 PM

you should meet my friend "emma-mae"...you two seem to believe in the same ideology. she's got hackers...and she uses them frequently... "divide & conquer" they say. Just count to ten before you do anything - if it's still there maybe you should consider sleeping...

by at June 21, 2003 3:49 AM

I'm a generally easy going person, and as such, I don't think I've had very many people try to conciously hurt me. If I were to keep a list of people who'd wronged me, it definitly be a list of people who'd wronged my by omission, not comission, and despite the fact that annoys me more (because I'm the type of person to wrong someone the same way, and you always hate in others what you hate in yourself), it just seems more wrong to get revenge in that case.

by mg at June 21, 2003 11:37 AM

i want real ideas on getting real revenge
hahaha i need to get revenge BIG time but dont wanna get caught you site is funny tho. its fun to think about stuff like that but now for me it is definatley time to act!!!

by at November 11, 2003 4:21 AM

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