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the persistence of hatred

by effenheimer at 01:37 PM on June 21, 2003

Hugh Sidey got his start at my paper in Council Bluffs. He was JFK and LBJ's biographer. I asked him which man he thought was the better president and he told me they were both good but Johnson always had a chip on his shoulder. There he was the president of the U.S. and he still had to make these rich fucks watch him take a shit just to let them know he was the man. Makes me think that no matter what I do, I will always have a chip on my shoulder too.

as far as revenge goes, the thing with me is i don't actually keep a list of peoplle like some freak, i just remember all the people who have screwed me over and each one was committing an act against me, not just accidentally being unkind.

my 8th grade football coach/gym teacher cornering me in the locker room and telling me I should go to the other junior high school with all the OTHER greasers. I cannot forget that and it isn't because I'm petty. The man is a villain and I KNOW he's done this to other kids for years. I saw him routinely pick on this retarded kid until he cried.

My high school newspaper teacher gave me Ds every quarter just because she didn't like my kind and resented that I had slipped into her class on the recommendation of a DECENT teacher who saw my potential. Believe me, compared to the other losers in my class, I was the single greatest writer/newspaper man to come out of the class of 86. plus, when i ran away from home, I had to skip school to find a place to stay, I went into the paper to talk to a friend of mine and see if I could stay at his house and she made me stay for three periods to finish a story knowing full well I had run away from home. She also wouldnt let me write a column, actually she wouldnt let me try out for a column. Columns were for plagioarist honor roll fucks with subscriptions to Rolling Stone. Don't ask, don't tell and maybe we can win a few awards. Let a kid with talent write and we might not win anything. People like that make me sick.

My 5th grade gym teacher physically abused me and a bunch of other kids. most of the teachers knew about it and none of them would stop him or say anything. Probably because he was nuts and black in an all white school. he would do it right in front of them, but never to the kids who would tell their parents or the kids who had parents that wouldnt take that shit. he got off on the fact that none of those chicken shit white liberal asshole teachers would tell on his black ass for fear of being called racists. how fucked up is that? The principal at the time now works at the school across from my house. I see him every day on the way to work and I want to kick the holy living shit out of him.

Now, the thing is and you might not believe this, but I used to have an air of innocence about me. People would remark on how sweet I was. I had that shit crushed out of me by these people and others. I didn't attract it because of hatefulness. I gained my hatefulness through intermittent years of abuse, inequity and poor behavior. When you grow up poor and less white than the German kids, people think they they can get away with taking advantage of you and you know what? They can. Works every time.

Now the pressure has built up inside my head over the years because nothing was every done. Now I fear if I do nothing, I will explode. I want to do something constructive to let these fucks know they have no power over me, to let them know they didn't get away with anything and that they didn't beat me, but in a sense they already have and I know it. Any time you carry something like this around for 30 years, it is safe to say the bad guys won. What I can REALLY accomplish is letting them know they created a monster that could come back to get them at any time.

Plus I can then write about each experience. You'd read that, right?

comments (7)

Yeah I would. But sometimes maybe it's best to just say what the fuck and let it all go. It's like the terrorist thing. For the longest time I walked around all angry at them and what good did it do?

by anna at June 21, 2003 4:36 PM

I think the best way to get revenge is to actually become a happy, successful, well-adjusted type and realize that ingrates like that are certain to have unfulfilling lives because they are full of misdirected hostility. If you are letting this bitterness fester you are letting them win.

by Linz at June 23, 2003 7:32 AM

mmmmmyeah, but that's what I'm saying, if somebody fucks with you and you don't do anything about it, you still feel like a loser especially if you could hace done something but didnt because you were a coward. I don't actually expect to be performing acts of revenge and shit, but I would at some point like to confront these assholes and let them know I know what they did was wrong and in my mind they didnt get away with it. and then if they give me any sass, I beat the shit out of them... that's all.

see what I mean about mixing the truth and fiction, linz?

by eff at June 23, 2003 9:27 AM

I guess my point is that people like that are their own punishment. Your victory shouldn't come from rubbing their sorry faces in anything, it should just come from knowing you conquered whatever obstacle they put in your way.

The drummer in my high school band told me he was sure I was going to drop out of college before I got through one year. I didn't go to his house after graduation day and beat him with my diploma. I don't need him to be involved to know that I won.

by Linz at June 23, 2003 9:53 AM

Though if the abusive gym teacher is still around, I would probably worry about that...

by Linz at June 23, 2003 9:54 AM

Less white? I'm confused now. Oh, you know what? That 'gym teacher' probably had his own 'grudges' because, well, he's a 'gym teacher'.

by LOCKHEED at June 23, 2003 3:29 PM

Compared to the uber white german types around here, I counted as "colored" because I'm part indian. Italians go the same way. This was back in teh very early 80s though too when we didnt even have mexicans moving in yet.

I have tried to let things slide, but part of the problem is I can't forget. it's like when a woman is raped an can't put what happened out of her mind. Granted my stuff isn't THAT bad, but there is an analogy. When someone assaults you physically, verbally or what have you, you can't just forget it. It is part of me. my revenge might just include writing about it to assure myself I have the final say so. I'm not gonna jack anybody, except for maybe that gym teacher, but he's kind of a cocksucker.

by eff at June 23, 2003 6:25 PM

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