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COPS and other shows popular with closet cases

by effenheimer at 01:07 PM on June 01, 2003

I was thinking recently about a study of male sexual behavior I read in college.

In this study, two groups of straight men were gathered. Half of the group claimed to have little to no problem with homosexuality, while the second half of the sample were self-proclaimed bigots. Both groups were hooked up to sophisticated, electronic, medical, monitoring devices or "cockrings" which would record any activity in the nether regions. Both groups were then given a saucy selection of salacious homoerotica to watch, like "Hard into Gary" or "Donnie Does Dennis" or "COPS" you know the kind of stuff I'm on about.

Wouldn't you know that the group that squawked the loudest about how much they hated homosexuals had the most noticeable responses. The ones who hated gays the most got the most excited about seeing two men go at it fast and furious.

We always knew it was true, didn't we?

When I was growing up listening to macho pubescants make fun of sissies (gay or not) by calling them "homos," "queers" and "fags," I just knew their real motivation was sexual frustration! Why? Because these guys always felt like they were one step away from playing biggest man on the cell block.

For example. Young Slab "Not at all Gay" Hardnoggin sees a slightly-built lad with a nice ass and, before he has a chance to repress his feelings, they get the best of him. He has to act out before he has the chance to feel ashamed. He gets some of his cavebuddies (because he needs to know he isn't the only one, but since he is technically gay, he needs a lot of muscle around him) to kick the crud out of the boy so he can get rid of that loving feeling and replace it with some good, old-fashioned hate.

Real life example. A kid I knew in high school used to get boners in the shower all the time let's call him Rod because that's a funny name for a pecker. I don't know why Rod got that one boner that one day. He might have been gay and it might have been a one time thing. Either way, I didn't make a big deal out of it because I got wood all the time and was afraid I might get a boner in the shower too after all the jokes people told about it.

Rod's position was kind of funny, but I wasn't sent into a homicidal rage over it like a couple of the super-dominant, thick-browridge types who had to make a big show of how pissed they were that this little "fairy" was naked in the same room with us. They cornered young Rod and one dude who came out in college, beat the hell out of him. They then stood around high-fiving each other like a bunch of troglodytes, joyful in the knowledge that they had managed to repress their natural instincts for one more day. I'm suprised they didn't gang rape him just to prove how NOT gay they were.

Have you ever noticed that it is always the fiercest homophobes who do the really killer imitations of gays? They love to prance it up and do the whole limp-wristed, super-lispy tinkerbell thing while they mince around the room shaking their asses like the little sluts they are, acting out in a way that would never be acceptable to them if it weren't drenched in hatred.

comments (11)

I read somewhere that most behind-bars lovin' isn't really homosexual, it's more about establishing pecking orders and such. So men who engage in sodomy for years in prison get out and lead hertero lives until they get incarcerated again.

by anna at June 1, 2003 2:11 PM

I have always thought that at least some of spousal abuse occurred because of suppressed homosexual feelings. Think of redneck men that beat their women. Growing up, if they had any type of homosexual feelings, they most likely did not have anyone to relate to, not to mention any way to express themselves in a healthy way.

by Shannon at June 1, 2003 6:05 PM

I couldnt have sex with another man just to prove i was tougher than him. I've always heard that theory though and I think it says more about the researchers than the men engaged in that behavior. i think Kurt Cobain said it best, "Everybody's gay." To some extent, homosexuality is just something out there that exists in everyone as a possible expression. for some, it is absolutely the preferred form of expression biologically but for anyone who would engage in it "if the circumstances were right" it's still homosexual behavior. of course they stop when they get out of jail because they can stop. if they were not at all inclined toward any kind of homosexual benavior, I don't think they'd do it in prison either. I think "it's a prison thing" is more of an excuse for those guys who do it.

by eff at June 2, 2003 10:31 AM

If they were just trying to establish a pecking order there are plenty of other ways to do so. I'm with Eff, it's in all of us as a possibility. Some just don't choose to explore or acknowledge or dig the possibility.

by Linz at June 2, 2003 11:04 AM

As the resident BS homo, I thank you Eff for this nice giggle that I read on Monday morning before work. I'll have to say this, though: while it's usually true that the most rabid anti-gays are supressing some feelings... most of them I would rather not claim for my team. (Though there are most definitely some cute fratboy types running around Ames that I wouldn't mind converting. I'm sure you know the type... sometimes we play a game called "Gay or Fratboy." The difficulty of this game astounds me sometimes.)

by snaggle at June 2, 2003 11:43 AM

Of course a lot of these behind bars encounters aren't consensual. And while people joke about not dropping the soap in the shower, it's got to a harrowing experience. There are many activist groups trying to get prisons to take this deal seriously. I doubt they ever will though.

by anna at June 2, 2003 6:23 PM

Remember the days when news was finding pubic hair on your coke? Question about Gays. Is John Ritter gay? Douchenation was over my place the other day and he said he always thought Ritter was gay because he always flails his arms and ends all his sentences with a 'hiss'. And the whole Three's Company thing, and I swear to god, was Tim Allen ever funny? Ritter was funny in his heyday, but was Tim Allen ever funny? I'm still pissed off about the rocky road dazzler(I would like BadSam to have a link towards all FOOD related posts). That's the price of war fellow leftists/right wings, quite simply, we need to take out N. Korea and Iran, so we could keep suckering the middle class assholes of America into paying out of their ass for shitfood, and that includes lockheed. And I just paid $20 fucking dollars for a pack of BRITA filters. You could get a brand new Brita and filter for less, but who the fuck needs two fucking Brita jugs? Talk about a killer MONOPOLY. You HAVE to buy NEW FILTERS and the only company is BRITA style basically, I love FLAILING my ARMS like a Faggot because it's FUNNY. I could stand to lose $100,000 us dollars, but to waste $20 u.s. on plastic water filters makes me sick, yet, if I don't change the filter, the water will be carbon poisoned and I'll get sick anyways. What's the point?

by LOCHNESSHEED at June 2, 2003 10:12 PM

well clearly the guy in prison getting raped is not necessarily gay, i dont think anyone is suggesting that, but the guy DOING the raping? I think one might argue that YES, YES HE IS.

I am not who proffered the idea that rape is about violence and power and not sex, i think it was meant to make victims feel better, but around here, i don't believe we should tolerate ideas that are meant to fool someone into feelin better no matter how well intentioned that is. rape is the sick and twisted side of sex, it is about sexual violence, it's the dark side of the moon.

Hell, I've been with women who wanted me to do shit to them I was not comfortable with. "Hit me as hard as you can..." What the fuck is up with that? "call me a fucking whore...." yeah sure you bet and mabye while I'm at it I can break in and tie you up with your own panty hose, threaten to kill your family and make you take a bath when I'm done just like on Law and Order.

sex is just fucking weird and when the socalled normal shit is as bizarre as it is, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that someone could cross that line from pretend to real. frankly, women who are into that freaky shit should watch out, they could turn a guy to the dark side.

by eff at June 3, 2003 6:12 PM

You look so precious... this will be over soon...

by Lockheed at June 3, 2003 10:14 PM

I am a Graphologist (handwriting analyst) and use this information sometimes in my reports. I think you will find this interesting and accurate...


A study by Henry Adams, Lester Wright and Bethany Lohn, published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology investigated the role of homosexual arousal in exclusively heterosexual men who admitted negative affect toward homosexual individuals. Participants consisted of a group of homophobic men (n=30) and a group of non-homophobic men (n=29); they were assigned to groups on the basis of their scores on the Index of Homophobia; they also completed an Aggression Questionnaire. The men were exposed to sexually explicit erotic stimuli consisting of heterosexual, male homosexual and lesbian videotapes, and changes in penile circumference were monitored. Both groups exhibited increases in penile circumference to the heterosexual and female homosexual videos. Only the homophobic men showed an increase in penile erection to male homosexual stimuli. The groups did not differ in aggression. The authors concluded homophobia is apparently associated with homosexual arousal and that the homophobic individual either denies it or is unaware of it.

by Rollerblademan at August 19, 2003 9:43 PM

yeah, i've heard about that one and written about it though i was not sure aboutwho conducted it, thanks for that. might be time to do another column on this out in the real world. I have always maintained that it's the guys who are closet cases who cared so much about this, which is why whenever you are in one of those situations where some rabid freak is calling you a fagthat you feel like you are about to get beaten and sodomized without even a hint of irony.

by eff at August 20, 2003 9:22 AM

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