by ezy at 10:31 AM on June 30, 2003
Whew! What a hell of a ride the last couple of months have been. I have seen the top of the mountain and almost jumped off. Where to begin? The beginning I guess.
My Dad is doing great for one. He had a quad bypass and is recovering remarkably. He told me last night that he feels twenty years younger. He definitely looks better. Seeing him in the hospital brought back all kinds of bad memories from when my Mom died. She had cancer and passed away four years ago. We were very close so, needless to say, I didn’t take it very well and went through a self destructive phase that I nearly didn’t survive.
Being a little older, not to mention smarter I hope, I can now look at that phase for what it was, stupidity. I’ll never put myself through that again. When I was young I made a promise to myself to protect my parents against anything that threatened them, no matter the cost. I guess the helplessness of watching my Mom die, while there was nothing I could do, was too much for me to handle, at the time. Seeing my Dad in the same position brought all of that back.
I definitely handled it in a different way this time. I had a good cry and leaned on my friends and my amazing girlfriend (I’ll get to this) for support instead of internalizing it. I’m blessed to be surrounded with people who are truly good and care very deeply for me. I don’t think I would be where I am or be as successful as I am without that support chain. It’s crazy when you can put aside the negatives, in your life, and see how much good you really have. Believe me; it took me years to figure this one out. Now to my girlfriend.
It’s been a bit dicey getting to this point but Amy and I are doing great. Great? That doesn’t quite describe it. I don’t think there is a word to describe what I feel, that I know of, because I’ve never been here before. I have never met anyone who makes me feel as alive and happy as she does. Relationships are strange no? I thought Stephanie, the girl I dated off and on for sixteen years, was my soul mate. Then I meet Amy and she eclipses everything I though a woman was supposed to be. I guess it’s like loving grilled cheese sandwiches and thinking they are nectar from the gods then one day someone slips you a filet mignon. Whoa! Fuck!! Your senses overload and you wonder how you ever ate grilled cheeses for that long when there’s filet out there. I found out something I never thought would happen. I had been settling for something less than I wanted in Stephanie. Amy makes me feel so good that I have to step back and take a deep breath sometimes. I realized another thing. You shouldn’t have to work you ass off every day to make a relationship work. Imagine that. Someone that fits, you want to be kind to, to do things for, to travel the world with, to take to meet your peeps, to grow old with, to have kids with, to live with. To put it simply, she makes sense to me and she understands me too. Bonus!
I can communicate with her also. No, I don’t mean talk. Anyone with a mouth and ears can talk. COMMUNICATE. We discuss everything that is on our minds with each other without fear of resentment, judgment or retribution. This is another thing I have never had. I have told her things about me that no one but my closest (and I mean hiding bodies with them in the middle of the night kind of close) friends know. You know what? I don’t feel any fear in telling her these things. I want her to know all of me, even the dark places. You know the list you keep, in your head, of all the things you want your significant other to be? You know. Great looking, caring, compassionate, intelligent, funny etc? She’s my list.
Don’t get me wrong. We both have issues, from past relationships, we still have to work through but the thing is; I believe we can work through anything together. I want her help with my problems and I want to be the one she comes to for help with hers. Amazing. I hope one day we’ll be sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of our house, old as dirt, looking at each other and laughing about having such a great life together. Then I can kiss her and tell her what a better man she has made me and that I love her more than life itself. What a great ending that would be huh? Later y’all.
Yay yay yay yay!
Happy to see all things swinging up for you Ezy!
by Linz at June 30, 2003 12:23 PM
That was seriously beautiful. I'm all tearing up now. To know that kind of love, ah man, there is nothing else that compares.
by sydney at June 30, 2003 2:48 PM
Yay! Go Me!! Thank you Linz. I'm just glad my instincts were right on this one. I had my doubts there for a minute but something told me to stick it out. I'm so glad I did. How are things in Hotlanta? You breakin' hearts down there? ;-)
Thank you also Sydney. There really is nothing else that compares huh? I didn't even know this was out there. I had been settling for so long that I think I had given up hope. I certainly wasn't expecting this. I guess I have finally paid my dues for past transgressions after all.
by Ezy at June 30, 2003 3:14 PM
People: Not that this motion requires any seconding, but I have seen these two lovebirds in action. They smooch, they cuddle and make goo-goo eyes at each other. They even read a post Ezy wrote about another Amy, sitting together at my computer. All smiles. It doesn't get any cuter than that.
On a more somber note, I had to read the eulogy at my dad's funeral. No son should ever have to do that.
by anna at June 30, 2003 5:20 PM
Ezy, I'm very happy for you. And I hope that you do find yourself laughing together about having such a wonderful life together... I really needed to read this type of post today, and I like it, because it's real, and that there are always good things in this life, no matter what.
by LOCKHEED at June 30, 2003 8:15 PM
Anna, I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't have words. When the time comes I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. I guess my friends are going to earn their keep that day.
Lock, thanks man. It's been a long disturbing road getting here but I think I've finally found my home. As much as you may doubt it at times; there are good things out there. They just take time to find sometimes. When you do find them though. Whew!
by Ezy at July 1, 2003 9:06 AM